Happy Mother's Day!!

I have a question that deserves an honest reply. Widowed mothers are deprived of active participation in their son/daughter's weddings as per Hindu customs. They say that their participation is inauspicious. Does their widowed status make them less or inferior mothers? Who else could be more of a well wisher for her children? Why not all of us including mothers resolve to do away with this misconception and do our bit to ensure their participation in family functions particularly if it involves their children. 

As for children they ought to take a lead if they wish to pay a tribute to mothers and motherhood. 

Happy Mother's Day to all mommy bloggers.

Celebrating Girls, Celebrating Women

Thank you Women's Web for honouring me with a first prize!!!

I feel like a school girl now!wow and WOW again.

Women's web is holding a contest on Celebrating Girls, Celebrating Women. Details can be got here. 

The following is my entry for the contest. The offer of Flipkart vouchers for the winners was too good to resist. Moreover I have become too lazy to write. This assignment is a welcome one. So what if I am competing with a generation half my age! 

Looking back I feel that I had it lucky. I was born when my parents were traveling from Bangalore to Madras and my mother had to disembark at Jolarpet and check into the railway hospital to deliver me. My dramatic entry into the world made my father grant me the status of a heroine and he would never tire of repeating the story of my birth to anyone who was within hearing distance. I was his little princess. When I was a month old I had convulsions and as the story goes, my father, though a doctor himself, could not decide on the medicine and its dosage that could be safely administered to an infant. My paternal grandmother prayed that she would name me Padmavathy after the deity in Tirupathi if I recovered and soon afterwards my dad miraculously found a cure to my illness while looking up a medical journal. My grandma performed a “Sumangali Prarthana” when I recovered and my naming ceremony soon followed. I grew up without realizing that girls were considered unwanted in several families. We faced no such discrimination in ours.

As a child I was encouraged to speak out and stand up for whatever I considered was right. On one occasion the Principal of our boarding school punished me for something I had not done. She refused to listen to any explanation threatening to write to my father about the incidence. I wanted my father to hear my version being pretty sure that he would understand. I wrote a detailed letter mentioning the Principal’s refusal to allow me a chance to defend myself and gave it to my teacher to post. Since our letters were censored the Principal got to read the letter. She called me to her office and asked for my side of the story. When convinced she asked me if I wanted the matter dropped or if I would want her to post the letter. I replied that I would want my father to know about the incidence and if he felt that I was wrong I would gladly accept his verdict. She posted it just to see what my father’s reaction would be. However, she did add a note from her side saying that the matter had been resolved and that she wanted me to stay away from bad company and do well in life. If she had expected my father to scold me or advice me on good behavior she must have been disappointed. My father expressed absolute faith in me and added that he was sorely disappointed at the judgmental attitude adopted by the school. The Principal was highly appreciative of my parents’ trust in  me and even more surprised at the level of confidence I showed by depicting the episode truthfully and posting the letter through her.

“This is the kind of rapport I would want every child to have with their mentors” she added after narrating the incidence in the assembly. The entire school clapped for me. I was just thirteen years old then.

Years have gone by and today I teach undergrad students in a local college. I am afraid that even today girls face discrimination in their families and are considered a burden by their own parents. Just two days ago a young girl doing her B. Com in our college approached me saying that her friend was being subjected to mental torture and was contemplating suicide. The girl had been abandoned by her husband within two months of her marriage. That her husband was unemployed or that she was sexually harassed by her father in law who accused her of being a woman of loose morals when she refused to yield to his advances did not bother her much. She was more upset that her mother wanted her to return to her in laws and ‘adjust’. Her  mother was  worried about the future of the other unmarried daughters who would not get good husbands if she continued to stay with them after marriage. More so since her in laws were spreading rumors about her character and chastity. I could understand her mother’s point of view even if I did not agree with her. I asked the girl to remain firm and continue to concentrate on her studies. Suicide was no solution. She could earn some pocket money by teaching school children and/or taking up part time assignments. I told her that there was no need to return to her husband unless he found a job to support her and promised to stand up for her against his father. She had heard from reliable sources that her husband was planning to remarry.

“Good riddance” I said. “It should be sufficient reason to put him behind the bars”.

I offered to talk to her mother if required. When she left I could make out that she had gained some amount of self assurance. I asked her friend to keep a watch over her and continue to instill confidence in her.

Although the status of women needs to improve I am glad that girls are reporting incidents of physical and mental torture. Instead of churning out spicy stories about their friends in distress, the youngsters are offering support them in whatever way they can. This in itself is cause for celebration. However, womanhood cannot be celebrated unless they realize their own worth and merit. A colleague of mine spoke of the lavish wedding she had planned for her daughter who was  a final year engineering student. She had set aside 25 lac for dowry and gifts for the groom. She would need another 10 lac for the wedding expenses and five more for jewelry and silverware. She claimed that this was the minimum that a well employed groom would expect adding that if she tried to bargain there were others ready to quote a higher price for the same boy.

I blame the girl and her parents more than the groom's family for the situation. I would certainly not want to marry a man who could decide on his life partner based on the price quoted by the highest bidder. The girl’s family wish to flaunt their purchasing power by making such offers and the groom’s family behave as if their son is up for sale (read auction). Bride burning and torturing daughters in law are consequences of the greed that is being fanned and nurtured by society in the name of dowry. Girls too have no qualms about letting their parents part with their life savings for their marriage and allowing them to depend on their sons for their upkeep.

I cannot help narrating a conversation I had with my co - sister 25 years back, She wanted to know if I had bought diamond ear rings for my daughters and advised me to buy the earrings fast since prices of gold and diamonds were touching the sky. I replied that I had no intention of investing in diamonds and their education was my priority. My co - sister insisted that no decent guy would marry them for free. I retaliated by saying that my husband's cousins (8 of them) had all married well placed men none of whom made atrocious demands. I too would be able to marry my daughters without the above mentioned piece of jewelry. If she quoted one example of a person who made dowry demands I could give five examples of those who did not. I can proudly claim that I was right and the question of dowry never came up at the time of their marriages.

Let the successful ones among us celebrate women and womanhood by all means. However, in our moments of celebration let us also remember that there are several women who need our emotional support to stand up for themselves.

This piece is my entry for -  http://www.womensweb.in/articles/celebrating-girls-celebrating-women/

Goodness of Coconut For The Skin

Being a south Indian and a Tambrahm at that, coconuts were always a part of my existence. My earliest memories of this wonder ‘nut’ is the time when an aunt or grandma would sit down with a bottle of coconut oil and all of us cousins would line up to have our hair combed and neatly plaited. The ritual of applying coconut oil and plaiting the hair of 8 to 10 girls would be followed by application of coconut oil and combing the closely cropped hair of our male cousins. As a child I thought it to be old fashioned to have so much oil applied to our scalp and tried to coax my mother to have my hair trimmed and permed or curled but she would have “none of such nonsense with hair falling over the forehead” and I have to thank her for her effort and the gift of the lovely long hair that I once possessed.  

Coconut oil served to help me bond with my hostel mates when I had to join a boarding school at the age of twelve. I was a stranger in a hostel where a good number of students were Anglo Indians. Having left home I was a total misfit in the hostel. Among the toilet items that my mother had packed for me was a bottle of scented coconut oil that had frozen in the cool weather of the Nilgiris. I was trying to scoop out a little with a spoon when a voice behind me said-

“Why don’t you let it melt in the sun for a while?”

It was my good friend Irene Trencher who had given the suggestion thereby offering to make me comfortable in an alien situation. Others followed and soon at least 10 of them borrowed my scented coconut oil to apply on their hands and legs and my mother was at a loss to understand how a bottle of coconut oil could get over in a month’s time. The warden had to intervene and take the oil bottle in her custody till I felt comfortable enough to say NO to friends who took advantage of my insecurity.

When my daughter was born my mother took the trouble of extracting coconut milk from home grown coconuts and clarifying it like butter and filtering pure coconut oil to give my daughter a body massage. The smell of home made coconut oil was heavenly and my daughter’s skin acquired a natural glow on account of it. She made sure that I brought back a bottle of coconut oil thus prepared and used it exclusively for massaging the child’s body to make sure that her skin did not crack in the winter months.

Apart from external application coconuts are generously used in Tambrahm/Kerala cuisine since it has the property of curing stomach ulcers and is a rich source of fiber, vitamins and minerals. And who can deny that coconut water is the safest soft drink from God’s own factory!!

It was fun participating in this contest by Women's web. Took me back in time. 

On Teenage suicides.........

It was depressing to receive the news of teen age suicide in our town. This time it was a 16 year old student who was answering her pre - board exams from a reasonably well to do family. Both parents had demanding jobs and the girl was perhaps left in the care of grandparents who probably could not offer the emotional support that teenagers require in the present times. I report the incident as an outsider purely from hearsay since I came to hear of the incidence through an acquaintance whose son studied in the same class as the dead girl. My account may not be very accurate but since many others, like this girl, face similar problems I cannot help analyzing the situation.

The girl was a fairly good student till recently but had begun to fare badly of late. Like others of her age she trusted her peers more than her family and would hang around with a few friends some of whom were boys. Her class teacher being conservative would openly reprimand her for her choice of friends particularly her interest in boys. On the day she committed suicide a friend, who belonged to her group and particularly close to her, had decided that he could take no more of the hints dropped by the teacher and decided to break off from the group and concentrate on his studies. He seemed to agree that the girl was distracting him from his studies and told her as much, advising her to leave him alone. The girl perhaps did not worry too much about the teacher’s words but could not accept the fact that her friend too seemed to hold a similar opinion. The two had an argument and the girl left school in a disturbed state of mind. She tried contact him on reaching home but he did not respond. That was it. The girl committed suicide by hanging leaving her family shattered.

I really cannot explain the reason for the emotional vulnerability that teenagers face these days. I studied in a co – education school some 45 years back and healthy competition as well as friendship between boys and girls was accepted in our school. We did not have teachers dropping hints about our character or putting thoughts into our heads. In fact, I don’t even remember thinking of the boys in our class as anyone but good friends who could be depended upon to stand up for me as and when required. Have times changed now? Or was this girl plain unlucky to have a narrow minded teacher? Or was I a plain Jane - simply not cut out for romantic feelings?

Why could the girl not handle the boy’s stand that they needed to concentrate on their studies? Even if the teacher’s insinuations be ignored was it not important for them to do well in their board exams? Why are teenagers unable to face setbacks and the like? People say that lack of a support system in the family - like the one provided by a joint family - was partly responsible for depression among teenagers. But even while growing up I do not remember having to turn to family members for support unless the issue was grave.  We too fought and patched up, had differences of opinion that led to times when we would not be on talking terms with friends for days on end, but none of these depressed us for long. We did not have access to modern communication tools and snail mail was the only way we could remain in touch. In a way I feel lack of effective communication tools enabled us to deal with situations better and equipped us to deal with the rough patches in our formative years. But  why are teenagers unable to handle minor irritants and move on?

In this case, people tend to blame the mother for being career minded and suggest that the girl perhaps felt lonely and left out. Even if the mother had been a home maker could she have understood the cause for her depression? Don’t we as adults fail to concede that a seemingly trivial issue can be a matter of prime importance to the child? How many of us in her shoes would have asked for a meeting with the teacher and boldly stated that as a teenager a girl tends to seek male company and as long as the children interacted as a group there was no cause for worry? Or, even if the teacher found her behavior unacceptable she ought to discuss the matter in private with the parents rather than demoralize the child in public.

No, we as parents would have screamed at the child and threatened to pull her out of school if another word regarding her ‘bad’ behavior was ever mentioned by the teacher. I remember telling my son that I would send him to work as a porter in the railway station if he did not do well in class.

“I have no problem” he replied “It is up to you to decide whether you wish to be known as a porter’s mother”. 

It was easy for him to say this because he was well above average and knew that my empty threats were best ignored. I shudder to think about the impact my words might have had if he had been unable to cope with academic pressure and had taken my words seriously.

As for teachers, I am afraid they too are ill equipped to handle today’s techno-savvy teenagers with every facility made available to them by doting parents. Being conservative is one thing but the present times also require some amount of flexibility. Parents and teachers need to interact regularly and decide how the best in a particular child may be brought out. The appointment of a counselor should be made mandatory in every school and value education ought to be imparted not as a sermon from a pedestal but by acquainting one’s self of the problem areas in a student's life and adopting a non- judgmental attitude for students to be able to approach teachers for emotional support. 

On Family/Societal Values..........

A lot has been written about rape and rapists and I fully endorse the view that as a society we Indians need to do a lot of introspection regarding the respect accorded to women treating them as thinking individuals rather than considering them as inanimate objects to be used and thrown. I may sound harsh but apart from a lucky few, majority of Indian women do not even have the privilege of expecting their families to stand up for them in the case of a crisis be it torture for dowry, physical or sexual harassment.

Ours is a patriarchal society and its norms have been tailored to suit our men folk. They will ‘allow’ us o work outside home but will have control over the money that we earn. A colleague of mine was upset that her husband bought gifts for his parents and siblings when they visited them but never asked her what she would like to gift her parents. Oh, yes she did buy stuff for them too but it was his lack of concern that upset her. She had waited for years to see him treat her family with genuine affection but it never happened. On the other hand she was expected to take to their ways like fish to water. He had no qualms about asking her to apply for loan to finance the lavish wedding that was planned for his sister but the gift of a silk sari to her mother on her 60^th birthday was waste of money. Would you expect a son who observes the dominating behavior of his father respect the women who may be his class mate or office colleague or for that matter the girl who may marry him? I would be happy if he did but would not be surprised if he didn’t.

Take another scenario. A mother is unable to cope with the influx of unexpected guests and needs help. She invariably expects her daughter to pitch in and help and vocally expresses her displeasure if she doesn’t. The son on the other hand may not be disturbed and the husband continues to chat with the guests discussing anything from politics to share market. The mental tuning is such that it does not even occur to the mother that the men in the family also need to do their bit.

The day a girl child is born one starts cribbing about the expense that would be incurred at the time of her wedding. ‘Who will marry her for free?’ is the common refrain. Did the new born girl ask you for a lavish wedding? She grows up listening to family members calling her ‘paraya dhan’ and even while educating her, parents – particularly the mother – never fail to remind her that spending money on her education was a waste since it would be her husband and his family that reaped the benefits. If one’s daughter was self assured and confidant and established herself in her new home would it not make parents proud? The girl grows up feeling inadequate and is it not true that we need to learn to respect ourselves before expecting the world to do so.

I can quote several instances that indicate that the mind set of subjugating women has been accepted as their fate by women and right by men for generations. Rapists and the like derive sadist pleasure in overpowering their female counterparts and their act is an extension of the will to control and subjugate them. Teaching our sons and daughters to treat each other with mutual respect will help control incidents of sexual harassment, molestation and rape to a very great extent. Distributing sweets when a son is born is not sufficient. It is the not only the responsibility but duty of parents to inculcate values in them and this can be done by leading by example. Like charity societal values also begin from one’s home.

Happy new year!!

Hi all of you. A very happy year 2013 to all of you. My computer has gone crazy and I am trying to use my I pad to write this post. Nothing like the old fashioned desktop with Microsoft word installed where one could write at leisure and save documents. I think sooner rather than later I am ging to either buy a laptop or get my computer fixed. I pad and the like are not for me. Or who knows? I may just get used to this version of technological advancement. Wish me luck.

The good ones in my life - 2

I returned after a trip down south on Deepavali day. My mind was filled with precious memories of my trip and I did not feel the urge to celebrate Deepavali. My Deepavali had already been celebrated in the very place where I grew up when a good number of us gathered to celebrate my maternal uncle’s 80^th birthday. And the cousins who hosted the function made it memorable. For the three days I spent in my maternal grandfather’s house I forgot that I was married and lead a life of my own in far off Jamshedpur. My career and the promotion that still eludes me did not matter.

My mama and mami certainly deserved better. When my mother was widowed at the age of forty and moved into her maternal home my maternal grandfather was alive. He had to support us because we had no one else to turn to. We later realized that he was a little apprehensive about my mami’s reaction to the circumstances and had plans to set up a separate establishment for my mother if he sensed that his only son and daughter in law showed signs of displeasure. It never even happened. My mother had to adjust considering the future of her children.  My mami was under no compulsion to adjust. But she did. My mother continued to live there even after my grandfather passed away within 5 years of my father’s death and finally moved out only after my youngest brother took up a job. For the next 16 years that followed she would visit us and spend a few months in Jamshedpur with me or in Hyderabad/Mumbai or Tirupathi with my sister or older brother but would always return to Gobi which was her head quarter. Twenty one years is a long time for anyone to play host and my maternal uncle and aunt not only offered emotional support to my mother – they did it without a frown on their face. They too went through a lot during the period. Crops failed and management farming was not profitable. No one would have blamed them if they had showed us the door. But they were great people. My own children have pleasant memories of a summer spent at Gobi in 1986.  

For all the kindness they showered upon us they should have spent a happy retired life. My uncle had planned to do just that when he sold his farmland and renovated his house after all his children settled down. But God willed otherwise. My aunt suffered a massive stroke and never recovered. Due to an inoperable clot in her brain she was unable to recognize her own children. Initially she would speak incoherently calling out names at random. On one occasion she could recall who I was and enquired after my younger sister but little else. That was 15 years back. She now lives but has no life and her children attend to her as if she were a three month old. My uncle looks after her with affection and claims that he wants do as much as possible for her now because he could never do so when his children were growing up and he was busy attending to his farm.

Whenever I think of the two of them I wonder why they are being tried in this manner. There are times when I feel that scamsters and the like have it easy and selfless souls are at the receiving end of life’s blows. I know of no past or future lives or of God’s way of balancing things. I do know that my uncle and aunt did not deserve this. However, I did seem to find an explanation in Brian Weiss’s book Message from the masters in which the author says that those who have always been serving and caring for others sometimes need to receive the love and affection of others. One cannot always be the donor. I would not know if there is truth in this explanation but would it not discourage people from being good to others if their kindness is repaid in this manner? I am truly confused.       

Be it as it may, I am glad I decided to visit my uncle and aunt. I may have become a grandmother but memories of the days spent at my grandfather’s place in familiar surroundings will always be cherished by me.

Happy Deepavali!!