Abusive relationships.

I've been tagged by Suranga to participate in the International women's day contest held by Indus Ladies.
Please click on the graphic on the left for details.

The following is my entry under the category:"Relationship Issues". Happy reading.


Abusive relationships


Any relationship is difficult to define but an abusive one between a man and woman has baffled those who view it from outside. What is it that allows a woman to remain in an abusive relationship is difficult to explain let alone justify.

J was the first born to affluent parents. Her father was a practicing lawyer and her mother was a home - maker. As a child she was a little charm and everyone would want to carry her around. She studied in a reputed school in town and though not a bright spark she was not a dull head either. She was an average student who managed to pass in all subjects. She was however inclined towards cultural activities and regularly participated in music contests and the like. Seeing her interest in learning formal music her parents engaged a tutor to teach her Hindustani classical music. It was then that trouble began.

To cut a long story short she eloped with her music teacher when she was barely 16 only to realize that he was not the prince charming that she took him to be. He was addicted to alcohol and barely earned enough to make ends meet. She was around 18 years of age when her daughter was born and things became worse. Being regularly beaten up for money from her parents she would have no option but to approach them just to save herself. Her parents urged her to leave him and come home with her daughter and to pursue her studies. She initially resisted the idea of leaving her husband but finally relented. She was enrolled in a local college which though not the best was close to her home. She had by now lost her self - confidence as well as self esteem and was a mere shadow of her former self. She however managed to pass the first and second year of her degree course when her husband came begging for forgiveness. He pleaded with her, claimed that he loved her dearly and would commit suicide if she did not agree to accompany him to their house. He promised to look after her and their daughter. Her parents said that she was free to go with him if she wanted to but not before finishing college and obtaining a degree. There was a tussle between her head and heart and the latter won. She went away with him a second time without wishing her parents goodbye.

The beatings and abuse that had earlier become part of her life resumed and the husband had now become a drug abuser as well. He actually needed money to buy drugs and what better way to obtain it than to beat up his wife and sending her crawling to her parents for it! This time around he had acquired a mistress who added fuel to the fire by regularly complaining about her to the husband who in his drunken stupor would beat her up with even more vehemence. She had no option but to approach her parents once again who were wise enough to insist on a divorce as conditional to her being allowed to return to them. The girl is back and after a break of three years plans to finish college and take up a job. However, the possibility of her ex husband influencing her and luring her back cannot be ruled out.

What makes a woman put up with an abusive relationship? Is it love alone or is there a fear factor involved? Is divorce a solution?

Education and financial independence can address the problem to some extent but the real solution comes from within. One cannot compromise on one’s dignity and self respect. Loving a person immensely is fine but allowing him/her to take advantage of the situation and abuse one is quite another matter. The line between compromise and adjustment is thin but it is there all the same. One just needs to identify it.

I tag Usha, Eve's lung and apu and invite them to participate in the IWD contest.