My comment on R’s Mom’s post on whether marriage is an over rated institution has evoked strong responses from several young readers as I had expected. Several young women seem to think that marriage is an over rated concept and that a woman/man need not marry unless the need for matrimony is strongly felt. They are not wrong in saying so. We have several young men and women postponing marriage for the simple reason that they don’t want to marry unless they find the right partner. Some do not wish to compromise on their careers and even those who do not have a good job and earn a small amount by taking tuitions or marketing home made snacks are seen to postpone marriage saying that if they marry a man with a modest income and a large family of parents, unwed sisters and unemployed brothers to support, they would have to continue earning their pocket money as before and cater to the whims of in laws who would treat them more as a domestic help than a daughter in law. To add to their misery they would be expected to produce a child (read son) within a year after marriage with no means to give him/her good attention let alone education. I cannot say much against this line of thought and I do agree that this happens in several families even today and girls are better off leading their lives as singles rather than marry a man who cannot take care of their needs.
I agree that my comment was based purely on personal experience. 40 years back I did have teething troubles and finally I did win hearts. Today I enjoy a good rapport with my acquired family and I don’t differentiate between them and my own. This was possible only because there was a willingness from all concerned including myself to accommodate the others in the set up. I won’t go into the reasons since they have no meaning now but it was possible only because of certain compulsions that were acutely felt both by me and my husband’s family.
These compulsions seem to have disappeared from people’s lives and society has changed a lot since the time I came to Jamshedpur as a new bride. I hope I am not wrong in saying that a marriage works only if there is mutual respect in the relationship. However, I do admit to feeling a little scared at the attitude that society seems to be acquiring towards marriage. The present scenario of a monogamous relationship with one’s spouse took years to evolve. I would suggest that one fights for mutual respect and dignity within marriage rather than claim that it is not indispensible. I had written about my friend Prema in an earlier post. There were times when I too had felt that she was better off without marriage. Today she is handicapped and with no children to support her and it is the husband who takes care of her. She had a promising career but she had to opt for medical separation after her stroke and while her colleagues earn 5 digit salaries she is stuck with 75% of her last drawn salary which is just around Rs.4000/- per month. Her husband’s siblings allow her to stay in the house built by their father only because she takes care of a mentally retarded sister in law and no one else wants to share the burden. Twenty years back Prema had dreams of raising children and having a successful career. Today she has only her marriage to fall back on and she is quite happy about it. She has no resentment towards anyone including her brothers and sisters in law.
People talk of shifting to old age homes post retirement. Prema cannot even afford the cheapest of such homes. Her own brother and sisters are all older than her and welcome her only on occasional visits. They have their health problems and are themselves dependent on their children. Prema has no one to turn to except her husband and their marriage works on mutual respect alone. Today I feel at least for people like her, marriage is an important part of their existence and what befell Prema can happen to anybody.
A final word. Desigirl of GGTS had responded to my comment by saying that we humans are social animals and rules that apply to wild animals need not be applicable to us. Several wild animals and plants have been domesticated and the wheat that we consume is one such example as are the cattle we rear. Their wild ancestors have been traced and several back crosses are done in order to bring desired qualities in them – disease resistance being one of them. Marriage is a tried and tested institution and one should strive towards improving it rather than giving up at the first challenge one faces.
19 comments:
I can see a clear demarcation of generations here.Being an old timer and having a married life for more than 25 years,and being happy and contented with it,I haven't lost faith in it.
There are many things which make us different from animals.If we want the freedom of animals,we could do all the things they do.Freedom is not the license to do any thing. If we want to live the way dogs live, do you call it freedom?Human beings are gifted with the intelligence which makes you responsible to use the freedom.And even among animals,there are species which stick on to a one to one relationship.
Marriage is not just meant for sex and procreation.It is a life long companionship.If you are not able to make it successful,the fault is in yourself,not the institution.
There is no simple recipe for a successful marriage. It is something of mutual acceptance and recognition, and bonded in love.
I am in full agreement to your last line.Marriages are crumbling today as nobody wants to have any compulsions, everybody wants to live like in a jungle where there are no rules or regulations. But this type of life will give way to weeds in jungle, fruits are gained only by weeding out.
Till the time comes when the girls realise evrything, it will be too late to do anything..this I really feel sorry about.
I read your comment on women's web and this post. I agree marriage can be a really good institution if the age old rules don't apply. I once wrote about it here-
http://mylipstickchronicles.blogspot.com/2010/06/marriage-what-does-it-actually-entail.html
The root cause for marriage failing is "Patriarchy" system where the DIL has to "move in" and "adapt" and evolve" in her new surroundings with her "in laws" Just learning to live with a new person ( husband) is not easy and usually the woman is thrown in a web of relationships right from day one with multitude of under currents!
Why should the DIL "leave" her family and "move in" with in-laws? Why does the husband never have to do that?
As long as parents look at their son as an investment because he will always "live" with them, the daughter will remain a second rate citizen, for anyway she will sooner or later "leave" the family and will have to "adapt and evolve" in her new surrounding!
I feel that a couple should set up their own house and consider themselves a family first together. The systems that evolve then will be a merger of two sets of traditions and values will be a mix of both where both will end up adjusting to form a whole. Each couple should treat both their parents equally in ever aspect.
On a lighter note if the husband wants to live his parents, then should invite the wives parents also! A truly joint family within 4 walls!
ps- I really enjoy reading your blogs and follow them regularly.
dr.antony:We old timers are not going to ever lose faith in matrimony since we were trained to overlook minor irritants and keep in mind the larger picture of family welfare. Of course there were extreme cases of an alcoholic husband and dowry hungry in laws. I speak of the average family of the 1970s.
Today girls find it hard to adjust with the man they choose to marry, sometimes against the wishes of their parents. Husband's family comes much later.This is mainly because they do not wish to cling on to a relationship where there are adjustment issues. They would prefer to part amicably. Tolerance is a mutual requirement. No girl is going to listen to her mother who asks her to adjust. Adjustment is no longer one sided and rightly so.
Having said this I still maintain that marriage has its own social value the only demand/expectation one should have from it is to be treated with dignity and respect and a commitment to honor the relationship if it is granted.
Renu:The freedom that one expects after marriage ought to be realistic and in the sense granted by society which keeps evolving and redefining the word from time to time.when we co exist in a society whether it is one's neighbor or spouse freedom becomes a relative term. The rules are there alright. one gladly abides by them when friends and neighbors are concerned. however with the DIL or one's husband's family the interpretation becomes different. sad but true. However this used to happen in earlier times too. rare is the condition when a balance is struck to suit all concerned.
lipstick:do you really think that girls are expected to actually move in with the husband's family in the present condition. I have seen girls unwilling to move in with the husband and enjoy a long distant relationship meeting up during vacations or paid leave. i see at least 4 such newly married women in my own college who are unwilling to give up their job (i don't blame them) and continue to live here and it is the husband who is willingly trying for a transfer. And believe me their parents in law have no say in the matter. i am glad to report that the couple in question are quite happy and are enjoying courtship after marriage! i see society changing fast.
HHG, when I wrote the post on womensweb, I didnt anticipate so much response..because honestly it just was a casual washroom conversation...As I said on womensweb, I am married for 5 years and I do love my husband and child, but in the Indian society I think marriage is over rated..of course the examples which you have given in this post definitely make me rethink about my thoughts. and you make a really correct point when you say that marriage works only if there is mutual respect in the relationship..may be thats why my marriage is still working :)
I have a thought-provoking question. Why do you say 'girl' for a woman, while you say 'man' for her husband? :) It's there in every language. Ladka-ladki. Huduga-hudugi. The mere fact that we're talking about the adults involved in this institution of marriage as 'children' is patronising and infantilising. At least I think so.
'The freedom that one expects after marriage ought to be realistic and in the sense granted by society '
I think this idea is oxymoronic because 'Freedom' is defined as 'the power to act or speak or think without externally imposed restraints'
What is realistic boundary of FREEDOM?? This is why marriage is seen as overrated in our society, you draw a boundary for the partners, specially women,and then say you are free to move within the set limits. Isn't this exactly how we treat domesticated animals? I have nothing against marriage, I married and blissfully happy.What I mean to say is we as a society see it wrongly, as a 'be all end all'.Why make it a must for all? If someone is happy being single, so be it. Why the pressure? it should be a choice
much as i would like to disagree with you, you have raised some amazing points..though its all rather self serving....by that i dont mean it personally, i meant as when people get married and then stay in it, it is becoz it serves them...once that choice is made, all the compromises, sacrifices, adjustments are all the necessary requirements to hold onto that choice...
as to the question ; is marraige overrated? I think it is...this is the institution we know...this has been like u said handed over to us ...tried and tested...if another method was passed on, we wud accept that to...case in point : polygamy..still practiced in some cultures and accepted...there are cultures in certain african tribes where the women decide if they want to stay with a man or not...they are free to chose a partner at any time....its all conditioned...this is what we know so we think that theres no other way...
all iam saying is that the moment someone talks against marraige, the old stupid arguement of animals and humans comes up...what is it? Is marraige what makes us humans?...rubbish..
i think marraige is here to stay...mainly becoz all the laws and the society based prejudices are supporting it...but i think it will evolve...i think marraige will lose its rigidity in the future....remember , we as hindus did have gandarwa vivaham...which is were a couple stays together and the only seal of that is sex...all iam saying is that government and religion shud stay out of peoples bedroom...
R's mom:your post and my comments to it is drawing a lot of attention. I am indeed worried about the trend seen in society. But I suppose change is inevitable.There was a time Draupadi's status as being married to 5 men was okay in society but is unacceptable now. Kings could marry several women for political reasons. Our politicians would not have social sanction for that.If a great majority feel that marriage is not a social requirement I suppose the opinion of the majority will prevail. We old timers will be phased out in good time.
starry eyed:I think it relates to the kind of marriages that happened when my mother was growing up. Her older sister was 12 years old hence a 'girl' but her husband was 26 years old and therefore a 'man'. These days marriage takes place between two adults but the term 'girl' prevails.
pratibha:The term freedom is applicable to both men and women in society. Don't we curtail our freedom to listen to loud music for the sake of a neighbor's child who is preparing for an exam? I know of a girl whose own mother advised her not to wear a nightie when her father in law was around. A father in law is not a father and curtailing her freedom to wear a dress that was comfortable cannot be considered an imposition of a dress code on her. Coming from her mother she might have muttered under her breath and left it at that.One may argue that as adults they are capable of deciding what to wear and when. True, when restraints are self imposed they don't appear to be restraints. But a little check and balance imposed by elders need not be vetoed outright before weighing the pros and cons.
I am not sure if the institution is overrated. I agree with you on the point that these days women are not willing to let go of their jobs to relocate to the place where the prospective groom may reside. I am noticing that the girls these days are making more "demands" as far as marriage is considered. my views-
http://mymaidenattempt.blogspot.com/2011/03/marriage-overrated-concept.html
Uma:I don't have a problem with girls making more demands from marriage. after all they have compromised and adjusted for generations and it is their right to demand respect and dignity within marriage. It is also better to consider all aspects before agreeing to marry rather than be forced into it by society. But I am worried that the arrangement may not be thought worthy of serious consideration a few years from now. I am not sure if that would be a good trend or a bad one.
The face of marriage as we have known it is changing enormously, but I still don't think there is an alternative to it as an institution!
That said, the pressure on youngsters to marry and have children is unwarranted, and we need to teach our sons and our daughters to be worthwhile partners, whenever they do feel the need to marry and settle down.
Padma bhabhi, I enjoyed reading your blog and the comments from fellow bloggers...and found myself thinking seriously about marriage. For one thing, I grew up in a home where women outnumbered the men. Also, I am blessed with two daughters and I continue to live within the same parameters. In a way, I have accepted and revolted against the social norms. But I do sometimes strongly feel that society and its norms must be respected - otherwise what would stop people from leading debauched lives? On the other hand, if people are duty conscious, responsible and happy, does their 'morality' matter?
HHG, I had commented on the women's web post. I see marriage as an institution for guarding a child's and strangely, a wife's rights. As the law stands at present, a woman just living with a man has no rights at all. But marriage as the be all and end all for a woman is certainly not something I endorse. But finally, it is not marriage as an institution, or for that matter any cultural institution, which is at fault. It is the societal attitudes towards such institutions that make it faulty or not.
dipali:I think it is only those who belong to our generation believe that marriage as an institution does not have an alternative. Try convincing the ready to marry group and they come up with umpteen alternatives. The senior citizen homes for instance to spend one's old age in.To put up with a relationship that does not bring joy to those involved is concerned an outdated idea with no bearing in the present scenario. The definition of joy is also changing. We, for instance would be happy to be allowed an occasional freedom to cook a new dish in an orthodox set up. These things would not even be worth considering let alone being happy about. Times are changing and one has to accept the change. True we need to teach our children to honor a commitment but again this has to be a mutual effort. Gone are the days when moms advised daughters to be patient saying 'this too shall change'.
Geeta:Good to be commented by you. The set up in a household with just daughters to deal with is different to a male dominated set up. I was lucky to have grown up in a family where women were respected and daughters in law included in all matters of importance. It was easy for me to regard marriage as an important mile stone in one's life.However the points raised regarding the utility value of the arrangement if it is the woman who compromises at every step cannot be ignored.As I've stressed over and over again unless society accords equality to both men and women in matrimony it is going to be phased out. There can be no two opinions on that.
hillg'mom:It worries me to see that youngsters have adjustment problems with each other. The MIL/DIL clash is nothing new. It was always there. But if the couple in question have a low tolerance rate for whatever reason, the effort to understand each other and to evolve as a couple may go missing. To try and fail is one thing. Oh yes these are my own old fashioned views. This trial and error method may not be significant in the present digital age.
HHG, I am from the present generation and yet feel that this institution should not fade away into oblivion. Most commentators who feel that marriage is overrated are ironically happily married. I cannot understand then why they cannot be optimistic and hopeful for the other lot who are suffering to say in their marriage? Not all men are wolves. And times are changing-there are men who do not bat an eye-lid when changing diapers or do the household work. And we cannot have a 50-50 equation in any relationship. As long as there is a balance, this institution should and must survive. Again I cannot talk for women who are victims of abuse but considering an average urban middle class household, I feel, the scene is not all that bad.
Uma:I think I have conveyed an overdose of pessimism through my responses. i am not being pessimistic but I do have to prepare myself for the changes taking place in society. A 50:50 equation is difficult to achieve in any relationship let alone marriage. But I feel that even to get to the 45:55 or 40:60 level one needs time. It may start as 30:70 and with a little give and take the desired level of compatibility may be reached. unfortunately i see that people in a relationship do not have the time or patience to allow it to grow. i am glad to see you take an optimistic view. I would like to see more of your generation willing to adapt and adjust. when I say this I mean both men and women.If this happens then marriage as an institution will not phase out.
For me, as a married woman for almost 10 years I can say that I am happy with my marriage life. I am so thankful to God that He has given me a man who is responsible and not all that he has given me a man who seems to be perfect. I love him and we love our family. All I can say is that no matter what happens just stay strong and put God in the middle and everything will be alright.
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