Sunday, September 10, 2006

Do you ever wonder why-

Did you ever wonder why-

When a son listens to his wife he is hen pecked but a son in law doing the same is called considerate?

When your mother refuses to baby sit your child she’s getting on in age but if it is your mother in law she is just being mean?

When your daughter goes out leaving you to deal with your headache she needs to relax but when your daughter in law goes out after finishing all her work she’s labeled irresponsible?

Your hyperactive kid is a creative genius while your neighbor’s child is a spoilt brat?

When you over dress for a party, you’re doing it against your will but another friend who does it is showing off?

Your husband worked hard to get his promotion but everyone else got it by pleasing the boss?

Your son is innocent and does not know the ways of the world if he walks into your home empty handed but your daughter in law doing so is miserly/ stingy and what not?

The jar broken by your daughter is made of clay but that which your daughter in law breaks is too precious to replace?

While you offer to help out at your mother’s place before your brother got married you expect to be waited upon by your sister in law from the minute she steps into your maternal home?

Your sister always has better features than your sister in law?

A man may crack jokes and have fun with his wife’s siblings but he dare not show genuine concern over his own family’s welfare?

A son may never appreciate his mother in law’s cooking?

The food cooked by one’s mother in law/ daughter in law is always too spicy or too bland?

I end here. Others are welcome to continue from where I left.

Actually I am reading an amazing book and needed to relax. I thought of noting down parts of the book to post in my blog. I don’t really know what to mention or leave out. So I better recommend the book and leave it to you to decide. The book is titled ‘The Psychic and The Rabbi – A remarkable Correspondence’ between Uri Geller & Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. I haven’t finished it and will write about it later. In the mean time I felt like writing something light hearted and hence the above post. I do realize that no relationship is black or white. Shades of gray do come in. I don’t mean to be judgmental so just laugh it off!

37 comments:

starry nights said...

Loved this post.I think all mother-in-laws, mothers and daughter-in-laws,son-in-laws should read this.I think the father-in-laws for some reason stay out of these things for the most part.Absolutely true.I have wondered about these things.I have a friend whose daughter loves to shop and really over spends.the husband does not complain so all is well. but she is always complaining about how much her daughter-in-law spends and says she is worried that the wife will make her son bankrupt.now how about that.

Sush said...

This is sooooo soooo true... getting into this world of marraige and new relationships, I am getting to know what the blog exactly points at.. lighthearted it might sound to read but is quite difficult to handle. I think we just need to change our perceptions, but how far from only one side is my question :-((.

passerby55 said...

Preeta,

why have you to be so honest always!!
duh ....

ok all u wrote is true ...*smiles*

I guess, the love for ones daughter has to be shown. while the love for a DIL has to be hidden!... correct me if i guessed wrong.

Usha said...

yes the eye has a way of colouring the way we look at things depending on our feelings for the person. We have to consciously work to rise above these and be fair and i think it is happening a lot now a days . we do try to avoid stereotypes these days no?
Nice post. Could relate to all the observations and think up at least one instance from my own life! :)

indianangel said...

Yeah this happens everywhere! And here is one more I can add:-
DO you wonder why Females always complain of male chauvinism when there are great stories of mother-in-law vs daughter-in-law feuds, while there are no(or atleast very very less) father-in-law vs daugther-in-law feuds? :)

itchingtowrite said...

point of view i guess! reminds me of my 1st & 2nd post!!! once all in laws start thinking along these lines, the world will become a much better place to live!!

Hip Grandma said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Hip Grandma said...

lalitha:yes people do have different rules for their daughter and DIL.But this is changing for the better.

sush:No compromise which is 80:20 can succeed.A 50:50 would be ideal but a 60:40 would be realistic.This is not only for MIL/DIL relationship.It is as applicable for your neighbours and family.

Passerby55:I'm sorry to say that I don't quite agree with you.A DIL is the new comer in the family and needs to be accepted.She should be shown as much love as possibly can be shown.If the love is unconditional so much the better.

Usha:you are right.Things are improving thanks to small families and less financial dependancy on children.But the flip side is that one becomes emotionally attached to the extent of suffocating the relationship.Perhaps it is the idle mind that does the job.Thank God I blog.My DIL can take it easy!

Indianangel:Father in laws are clever people.They become invisible at will.Why don't they tell their wives 'I'm there for you and why do you worry about others?'

ITW:Yeah I read those posts too and found them good.Your MIL is lucky to have you.

Srijith Unni said...

I just couldn`t laugh it off, hip grandma..!
Managing the rifts between one own family and the in-laws and bringing them together is one herculean task.
Kudos to the people who do it well.
After all love conquers all.

Looking forward to your post about the book.!

With Best Regards,
Srijith.

Dr@ma Div@ said...

That's why people say Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.

The Visitor said...

All the scenarios happen regularly. Its is a question of perception/ point-of-view or wearing colored glasses as sush, ITW and usha mentioned. Getting rid of it has to be through conscious effort only.

Has to be me said...

Good post! And its so true with it comes 2 in-laws relation.

I guess this rift is there simply cos they are "inlaws"....not ur own. With ur mom u can afford to put up ur feet & order her around to do things for u....& she doesnt mind! But u cant do the same with ur mil cos she is not ur own mom....I feel thats the starting point where in u dont feel shes ur own & its a mutual feeling. Even as a mom u can tolerate all of YOUR OWN daughters crap but its just human that u can tolerate teh same from others & ofcourse DILs r no expection!! Lack of freedom!

But surely wish these can change for the better.

mizfit said...

oh dear! it's strange to see the facts of life listed in naked light. i guess all of us deserve this...

good work on the list, BTW.

*smiles*

Balaji said...

enjoyed it

artnavy said...

"I'm not a slave to objectivity. I'm never quite sure what it means. And it means different things to different people. " Peter Jennings

Some work related illustartions-
The boss is well thought out but you are slow.
The boss is firm while you are stubborn.

Kalpana said...

Njoyed this post. Most of it is true. Though we know, it's still thinkable.

Hip Grandma said...

srijith:I'm done with the book but am in a state of awesome wonder.will soon post my views on some of my favorite portions.

drama diva:i didn't mean to write abt in laws alone.but you are right Adam and Eve had only themselves to adjust with.I wonder if they had adjustment problems.

the visitor:you're right.Perpectives play a big role in determining the direction of a relationship.

has to be me:Both sides have to work in building up any relationship.There is no short cut available.

mizfit:truth is naked according to the book mentioned in the post.Perhaps it was the book that made me come up with these.

balaji:men are bound to enjoy after all most of these are directed at women.Just joking.glad you liked them.

artnavy:I'll add one more work related quote-
The boss is always right and you're always wrong.
You may replace 'boss' by 'hubby'.


kalpana:WE ought to remind ourselves about these things from time to time.

passerby55 said...

yes, unconditional love works in all relationships...

But when MIL......DIL i wonder what really clicks?

out of ten nine at least say,

DIL : Your MIL is this, mine is such , I dont think anyone on this earth has like mine....blah blah

MIl: i was not such a DIL to my MIL. i was so .... blah blah

Preeta,Mahabharata or the Ramayan doesn't seem to talk anything about this relationship...am i right?

visithra said...

Hhehe ure so right - its a matter of perspective

some lady was telling my mom she would make sure her daughter in law does nnot give money to her parents - she wil put her under her control

so i asked her - so u think i shouldnt give money to my mom after i get married?

Ohh but ure different was her answer - yeah right!

Hip Grandma said...

passerby55:I feel a husband has a role to play here.He has to convince both ladies that his attachment to one does not exclude the other.If parents in law are financially dependant on the son the DIL can bide her time and build up trust before establishing that the house is hers and she is doling out the money.Ramayana and Mahabharata speak of the lives of princesses.There are portions that speak of the duties of a DIL like Lakshman leaves his wife behind to look after his mothers.

visithra:All this attitudinal problem is due to a terribly insecure mind.I've seen the wives of GMs and Vice Presidents feeling bad if a clerk's wife comes well dressed to a party.As if she is supposed to remain shabbily dressed always.

RandomThoughts said...

Life is all about attitude! What happens when you don't have a daughter to compare your d-i-l with? Is that a better scenario?

Rashmi.

Mahadevan said...

Agree with the observations. I wonder, having undergone the agony, when the dil becomes the mil, why she perpetrates the ordeal on her dil?

I also feel, (pardon me if I am wrong), as mothers exhaust all their love on their daughters and and sons, they have nothing left for the other members, particularly new comers, in the family.

The Inquisitive Akka said...

SO TRUE!!!!!!

Ardra said...

had been a bit busy with Onam, my parents had come visiting..and many other random things- just caught up with your posts today...and as usual found some of your previous posts extremely inspiring...

and abt this one-so true- one has to consciously break away from such thinking- veer away from instictive preferences and work at oiling relationships...

vibhor said...

relationships and emotions are those things that cant be judged relatively....
ya truly says..every things is in grey shades sometimes more of white... or sometimes black has a strong position..

Hip Grandma said...

Random thoughts:those in the habit of comparing will end up comparing a neighbor's DIL with their own even if they have an only son and no daughter.It's all in the mind.The wise thing to do will be to train one's mind.

mahadevan:In these trying times one dare not exhaust one's resources for their own children in the hope that their needs will be taken care of the children.Isn't it better to save some love for the new comers too?

IQA:yeah!!!

ardra:true one has to work hard and as I said earlier there are no short cuts to it.A belated Onam greetings to you!

vibhor:don't you think we are liberal when we judge our own and rigid when we judge others.That is when a gray relationship becomes more black or white.

Jay said...

An unbiased and pragmatic approach.
You made my day, hip grandma.

Jay said...

opps, the comment was meant specifically for 'Can't we bond?'.

Hip Grandma said...

jay:welcome here and glad you liked my post 'Can't we bond?'It's okay if you write here.After all 'Can't we bond' is an extension of 'Do you ever wonder why-'

Jay said...

Sorry, HHG. I did mean to comment for 'Do you ever...' in the first place.

Out of sheer excitement (or due to 'blurness')in seeing my very thoughts in your wonderful post, I shamefully let loose my need for precision and wrongly quoted the title.
*embarassed*

hillgrandmom said...

Just wanted to day I truly have no different rules for daughter and DILs. The only thing is that I would tell secrets to my daughter that I may not--emphasizing the 'may'--tell my DILs. My mum-in-law too never made any obvious difference in the way she treated us daughters-in-law and her daughters. Guess I was lucky.

Hip Grandma said...

hillg'mom:Many who've commented here and the next one 'can't we bond' talk of having witnessed or experienced a good relationship with their MIL/DIL.Mine was good too once a bond was struck.The effort however should come from both sides.I've heard of DILs who have changed colors 15 and 20 years of marriage but then this is more an exception than a rule.Usually after the first 3 to 5 yrs.one learns quite a bit abt the other.You must be a wonderful person.Your post abt.your son was so touching.We have a lot to learn from you.

Vidhya Rajesh said...

This is sooo true... You know my husband remarked one day - why is there never a problem between the son and father-in-law or son-in-law and the father! Why is that only two women have all the problems?

I really did not have an answer. But this is my feeling, from my past experience. What the Mr. said is true - two women cannot get along really that well all the times - unless they are sisters or mother & daughter. I mean I have felt this from what I have seen and gone through also...

I might be wrong! but then that is that!

Hip Grandma said...

vidya rajesh:welcome here.Men are clever.They remain silent when they ought to speak.It is just that men intercat less.Their war is like a cold war

Monika said...

how true a post... i wish there was a magic formula to deal with all this... but unfortunately there is not and u have to work on it really hard to see the results and it becomes even difficult if the effort if from one side...

we humans are very strange people i guess between mom and mil and the son/sil and d/dil there is a obs generation gap which we very comfortably alter as different feelings with different people rather than just accepting it and letting it go...

PS: but there really are times and people where the mils are really too difficult to handle :) :)

Hip Grandma said...

monika:you are right about that.One should learn to let go,learn to appreciate.there is so much to learn and so little time!!!

Amodini said...

Regarding the earlier comment about there being no trouble between a son-in-law and the father etc, here's my theory : We expect nothing from a son-in-law; when he comes he's treated like royalty (don't call them dulhe raja for nothing !), and if he does something for the in-laws it's such an honor . Low expectations = happy relationship. From a daughter-in-law we have lot's of expectations, she is expected to cook, clean, serve, bend to our will, be the lowest of the low - thus high chances of strife with people she interacts with in the household. If all we required from our daughters-in-law was for them to relax and be merry, I'll bet you wouldn't hear of the MIL-DIL fights.