Teen troubles -3

We hear a lot about teenage suicides these days. We had a seminar on the subject and it pained me to learn that teenage suicides in our industrial township are around 4 times the national average. Around the time when exams are held and results announced the suicide rates tend to peak. These days we feel less confident about scolding students. The other day a girl was talking to someone on the cell phone for over 30 minutes during class hours and I objected. Had it been two years back I’d have taken the instrument away, sent her to class and asked her to bring a note from her parents that they had given her the phone. This time around I merely said “If you wish to chat with your friends, do it anywhere in the college except this corridor. I have the habit of snatching phones. Please don’t give me a chance.” You see the teaching learning process continues and I am learning a new lesson every day. Who knows what the girl would do. If she prefers to talk over the phone during her class hours it was her problem not mine. Before I retire from my present job I plan to learn to smile at the girl and say “talking to your friend?? Please pass on my good wishes.”

I may appear to be joking. I am not. Our youngsters are ending their lives for reasons that seem to be trivial to us. According to experts there is a huge communication gap between parents and their teenage children. What is the reason for such a huge communication gap? My husband often recalls his childhood trips to his maternal grandparent’s home. The children would indulge in collective mischief and would be spanked by any adult who spotted their pranks. This adult could be an uncle, a neighbor or even a servant. Sometimes the actual culprit would escape punishment and someone else would get punished. They never took much notice as long as they got to spend time together. For every adult who spanked them there would be two others who would pacify them. No one bore a grudge and soon all was forgotten. These days one is not able to say anything to one’s own children, let alone a neighbor’s child. One reason for this could be lack of social interaction. When one interacts with those around it becomes evident that it takes all sorts of people to make the world.

Another reason is parental interference and support for wrong reasons. It makes them uncompromising and ill prepared to take set backs. Parents indicate that they would go to any extent fair or unfair to see their children outshine other children of their age. An unhealthy competition sets in and the child strives not for excellence but for one oneupmanship.

A third reason is misplaced expectations by parents on the children. A little girl I knew was good at elocutions and debates but she was just not interested in sports. Her parents enrolled her to play chess thinking that she would take to the game since it required mind power. Her father was a sportsman and he just could not accept the fact that his daughter was different. She had to excel in some form of sporting activity. The smart 10 year old asked her parents why it was necessary for her to do what they wanted her to do. When would she ever get time to do what she wanted to do? Her parents were intelligent. They let her grow at her own pace in the direction she chose rather than the one they had in mind for her. This is exactly how parents ought to act. Learn to draw a line between one’s ambition and its enforcement.

On Parenting............

There are times when I feel glad that my role as a parent has taken a back seat and I no longer have to worry about my children’s education or career. I’ve done my bit and can afford to play computer games while listening to carnatic music. Parenting rules seem to have changed drastically and what applies to one set of parents need not work in the case of others. Was it so earlier, I wonder? The Hindustan Times devoted a full page on parenting techniques and has my head reeling. Are my daughters who are currently raising kids having it tough or is this the scenario in Asian countries I wonder. Somehow the pressure in India seems endemic and self-imposed.

When I was growing up our mothers were there to see to it that we sat with our books for an hour or two before dinner and once dinner was ready we packed up and no one bothered if our home - work was half done or undone. Teaching us was the teacher’s job and they really put their heart and soul into it and drilled and filled our minds with the basics of each subject so much so even the average and below average students had a fair grasp of the subject. The school did not interview parents or bothered if the parents were qualified enough to teach their children. Teachers praised or punished the children according to their performance and it was usually taken as part of school life.

These day teachers are scared to say anything to an errant student. For all you know the child may run away or jump into the nearest water body and the teacher would be blamed. Are parents in a better position? I am afraid not. They fall flat at the child’s feet and give in to every whim. The explanation is that their parents lacked the means and could not afford to indulge them. But by God’s grace they are better placed and of what use was money if the child’s demands could not be fulfilled? The child grows up believing that he/she has a right to make atrocious demands and cannot take ‘no’ for an answer. Psychologists say that suicide rates among teenagers are on the rise. Like teachers, parents too are scared to impose rules on their children. The slightest rebuke or an occasional corrective measure cannot be handled by children and they feel depressed over issues that those of my generation would have ignored or accepted as idiosyncrasies of the previous generation. We would have had mimicry sessions and laughed our lungs out in private but certainly did not contemplate drastic measures like running away from home or committing suicide. We faced stiff competition even at home and grew up to be a tough lot.

Having said this do I have any solutions to offer? I do.

Parents should be able to draw a line and not try to fulfill every demand of the child even if they have the means. This leads to unhealthy competition in society that is detrimental to its progress.

Every household should have certain rules that have to be obeyed however distasteful it may be to growing children. They may sulk and pout but will understand in the long run.

Parents and teachers should interact and communicate regularly since both have a role in shaping a child’s life. Their role should be complementary and positive.

Children should be allowed to grow at their own pace and to indulge in hobbies of their own interest and choice. Appreciation of the child’s sincere effort even if it does not translate into top ranking levels would go a long way in boosting a child’s confidence.

However much one loves his/her child it should be made clear to the child that there can be no compromise on responsible behavior and basic etiquette. Regular and open communication helps and the child should be allowed to give his/her side of the story in case of unacceptable behavior.

Lastly, the child should be made to understand that there are several other children who are less privileged but they do not give up easily. Rather they work harder to reach the goal that those better off achieve easily. When I say less privileged I mean financial, physical as well as mental setbacks.

However, as I mentioned in my last post, each situation is unique and every parent/child equation different. Becoming a parent is easy but being one is not. You may ask if I practised what I now preach. I had it easy because I lacked the means. It is tough on the current generation of parents who have to make hard decisions. Good luck to each one of you and God bless your families.

Changing parenthood??

I sometimes wonder whether the equation between children and parents is undergoing a very subtle change to the extent that one hardly notices it? I cannot help thinking of a past in which parents dictated terms and children willingly or unwillingly abided by their terms and conditions. It was not easy and one did revolt occasionally. But one generally muttered under one's breath and made faces when the offender was not looking but stuck to rules all the same. it was the practice at my mother's to gradually initiate daughters and daughters in law to house work giving them time enough to pick up the customs and ways of the family. Daughters were however warned that once married they'd have to listen to their mothers in law and unlearn whatever they had picked up in their own homes. At my husband's place things were different. Once the DIL arrived on the scene the mother in law took voluntary retirement from house work. Oh yes, she gave directions as to how things may be done, she'd do the marketting and stuff but it was the daughter in law who took whole and sole responsibility. I remember feeling that the arrangement at my mother's was better while my brother's wife might have felt that she ought to be given more responsibility instead of having to play second fiddle to my mother. The grass is always greener on the other side isn't it? anyway that is beside the point. In a recent trip to the south I met two unknown ladies who travelled with me by local transport on two different occasions. We had about 40 minutes together in the first instance and with Chennai traffic at its worst it took us nearly 75 minutes to reach our destinations in the second case. I've always noticed that complete strangers feel inclined to open up with me. But what surprised me that the problems faced by both ladies were astonishingly similar. Both ladies had married children and both felt that their daughters and daughters in law were using them and it was becoming increasingly difficult for them to cope with house keeping, looking after kids etc.etc. The second lady had an employed daughter in law but the first one's daughter in law was a home maker. With my own children in far off USA I often wish they were staying anywhere in India and I'd often say that I could have helped them out if it were so. It is again the question of grass being greener on the other side. Hearing the version of these ladies has set me thinking. Despite the facility of modern gadgets that are available is house work and the associated responsibility exhausting and would it be better to lead a quiet retired life cooking for just two people than to offer to help children and allowing them to take one for granted? I am unable to decide.

The second lady traveled with me from Velacheri to Chennai central. She was visiting her daughter whose mother in law was hospitalized and needed her mother's help at home. With a smile that kind of forced she told me that she had her own house elsewhere in Chennai and planned to leave for the railway station from there but her daughter had soaked dal and rice for idly and she came all the way to her place to grind it and store part it in the fridge for future use and leave the rest for immediate consumption.

"My daughter rang me up in the morning to ask if it was okay with me. I could not say 'no'. After all she can take liberties only with me".

Why was she rushing back to Erode to her son's place I asked.

"My daughter works as an Asst. Engineer with BSNL and she had taken a week's leave while I was in Chennai She has to resume work from day after tomorrow," she said. My grand daughter will return from school well before her mother returns from work. I cannot allow the child to remain unattended as long as I am alive."

It is okay to expect parents to help and I am sure the lady did her bit willingly. But I did sense a kind of frustration in her tone. I felt that the least her daughter could have done was to have arranged for someone to drop her off at the station. It was well past nine in the night when we reached the station and with a bag in each of her hands she did have difficulty in getting down at the station in the pouring rain. I was travelling alone and had my own luggage to take care of and could not offer much help. She spoke of her son who'd come straight from home to see her off.

For what purpose, I wondered. Could he not have picked her up from his sister's house and dropped her off at the station?

The other lady I mentioned got into a local train at Mambalam and was on her way to Ennore. She had to change trains to reach her destination. She had picked up stuff for her nine month old grandson from T nagar and was returning home.

"My daughter in law finds it difficult to shop with a small child so she asked me to get some readymades for him".

She then told me that she was rushing back home because her school going son would be back from school and would soon leave for his tuitions.

"Won't your DIL attend to him?" I asked.

"We don't stay together" she said. "She stays separately in the upper floor of our house and can barely manage to look after the kid. In fact I have another daughter in law who stays in Tambaram. I 've realized one thing. You can love your children and their better halves as much as you want. You do it for yourself. It is always better to be a little formal and cordial with them once they grow up and get married. Never take any liberty with them. My husband gets angry with me but I feel that as parents we cannot let them suffer even though their priorities differ."

There have been times when I miss my children particularly during festivals but is it possible that the parent children equation has changed even without my noticing it? Roles of mothers are no longer limited to cooking and cleaning. I've seen grandparents standing at bus stops to drop or pick up grandchilren. They gladly take on more and more responsibilities. I have no problem with that. But is it not the duty of children to make life comfortable for them? Like in the case of the lady who was rushing back to attend to her school going son was it not the daughter in law's duty to offer to attend to him? I can almost hear my daughter asking why the mother could not have asked her to do so. I really have no answer except that what is right by me could be wrong by you!