Incompatible alliances

I have so many thoughts crowding my mind that I cannot decide which one to take up first. I think I'll talk of marriages that seem to break even before the couple care enough for each other to even give it a try. Why,why does it appear to happen more and more these days?

I think it was in early 2008 that I had tried to 'Defend Arranged Marriages' and ended up failing miserably since as usual I started seeing the other point of view and actually ended up endorsing (not quite, perhaps?) the right of younsters of Gen X to decide on who they want to spend their lives with. Before I am labeled a hypocrite let me clarify. I could not actually claim that marriages arranged by parents were always successful or that those arranged by the children concerned were disastrous. So I made a safe exit by mumbling something that was acceptable to all. That was just a light beginning to a rather serious issue. So let me get going.

I often think about why Indian parents want to have a say in their children's marriage. They seem liberal enough but when their children marry they prefer to stick to their own community/religion/social standing etc. etc. This is because they feel that their children would be able to adjust better. But is it really so? Take for instance the example of a couple I know or rather heard about.

S and P were neighbors and were happy when their children, both IT professionals decided to marry. 'Thank God they did not choose someone from a different state speaking a strange language' they thought. Their wives felt puffed up. 'Upbringing matters' they beamed at each other. 'It is the culture we've inculcated in them'.

Their joy was shortlived. The highly qualified professionals had not learnt the simple truth that marriage means much more than looking good on the wedding day. The first two years of marriage were okay. Trouble started when the husband wanted the wife to slow down and think of starting a family while the wife, who was on the verge of receiving a promotion and expected to be sent abroad to train a new batch of systems trainees, flatly refused. She felt children could wait. She accused her husband of being jealous of her success. Their relationship soured and even without consulting their parents, they filed for a divorce. Parents pitched in, they were asked to go for counseling. 'Upbringing' and 'culture' seemed to be words without any real meaning. All they could be happy about was that no children were involved in the mess that was called marriage.

B had been a good student and it was no surprise that he was accepted in an American University with full scholarship. His parents were elated and at the age of 18 he left India to study in America. He gradually took to the American way of living. His friends were Americans and he relished their company as well as their food. Weekends for him meant car racing and mountain hiking. Drinking beer after a hard days work was no sin. He got a job in a multinational company in California and his parents started hunting for a suitable girl for him. They were perhaps not too happy with his preference for beef and pork and felt that getting him married to a traditional Indian girl may help him to appreciate everything that was Indian and help him change his ways that were rather objectionable to them.

K was a girl from a traditional south Indian background. True she had done her Engineering and had a good GRE score and hoped to pursue her studies in USA. Her parents would not hear of sending her on her own to America. She could get married and do what she pleased. They found B a suitable choice and after a sound background check on B's family, the kulam - gothram stuff and horoscopes duly matched, the couple were married and K was happy to have a chance to study in America. She was 22 and B was 30, but Tambrahm parents do not bother too much about the age difference. So our Tambrhm bride with no exposure to life outside her immediate community let alone a foreign country was sent to America after the necessary formalities of passport/visa etc were completed. trouble started from day 1. She cooked a simple south Indian meal but B would not touch it. He took out some precooked stuff from the fridge and after heating it up in the microwave and settled down with a glass of beer and started watching some adventure sports on TV. K was shocked to say the least. He seemed to be eating some weird smelling non vegetarian stuff and she had never seen people consume alcohol except villains in movies. He spent his weekends with his friends and she refused to join him. Her idea of spending week ends was a visit to the Indian store, watching some Tamil movie at home enjoying some special south Indian delicacies. A visit to the temple was welcome and she longed for the company of Indians who she was told would also visit the Indian store and temples during weekends. He encouraged her to go out on her own but she was so much in awe of the malls and shopping centers in America that she dared not venture out on her own. He was not used to people dictating terms and here he was, stuck to a wife who was a not only a nag but also a highly opinionated woman who made no effort to understand him. In no time the couple realized that they could not continue to live together and a divorce was the best solution. They could have separated amicably but unfortunately it was not so. I'd rather not go into details because whatever I know is only through third and fourth persons and I may not be fair to them if I went into further details.

There are many more such cases where the blame cannot be accorded to one or the other partner. Parents think that they are doing the right thing by sticking to certain basic rules while choosing a partner for their wards. This may have made sense some 40 to 50 years ago when it was common for children to study and later take up a job in or around their home town. The children more or less followed family traditions and allowed parents to decide on a suitable partner and accepted their choice without a murmur. There are several children who willingly let their parents choose partners for them but there several others who make their own choice and are happily married. I cannot say which is the better arrangement but I do know that if your ambition permits you to let your son/daughter leave home at an impressionable age and have a high flying career, you should be prepared to deal with an adult son/daughter who has a mind of his own. Should you take it upon yourself to arrange their marriage it is imperative that you accomodate their interest in your choice. One cannot have it both ways. As in the case of B and K weren't parents at least partly responsible for the situation? Or in the earlier example were not parents hasty in declaring that it was their upbringing that made their children decide to marry each other? Marriage is a highly personal arrangement and for some reason compromises have become a thing of the past in many cases. Affiliation to the same community or religion is no more a priority and is certainly not a pre-requisite to compatbility.

S and T decided to marry though they belonged to different cutural and religious backgrounds.They were both atheists. P's parents understood and supported the marriage. S could not convince his parents who insisted on conversion. Three years have gone by but they do not understand that for a couple who don't believe in God conversion has no meaning at all. They keep insisting that with age their children would change their view on the existence of God they certainly could not have children who did not belong to any religion. Touch wood the couple are happily married and they have a daughter who adds joy to their lives. Let us hope that his parents see reason for as far as I can see if they miss watching their grand daughter grow the loss is theirs.

I hope I have dealt with the topic with the fairness that it deserves. I would really welcome my readers to come up with their opinion on why marriages fail and who exactly is responsible for the situation. I don't want to be harsh on parents since as one such parent myself I can understand their anxiety and firmly believe that they have their child's welfare in mind. I met a friend's daughter who had been brought up in USA. She was one who had an arranged marriage and her husband was working in the Middle East. The couple met once a year. My daughter was surprised and asked her how she felt about it. "What does one do if one's mother sheds tears and forces you to marry a person of her choice? I have no real feeling for my husband and this long distant arrangement suits me fine." Her honesty surprised me but it also set me thinking. I wondered if the couple would ever bond. I suppose they will. After all most in my generation had an arranged marriage and we did bond with the husband and his family but then ours was not a long distant marriage! Let me stop right here or else I may confuse you.

Hello...........oo

It feels good to be back. It feels great to arrive home at 10:30AM and a phone call from college greets one at 11:00 AM enquiring whether I plan to join college the very same day! It feels wonderful to be wanted. To know that people care for you. I would have liked to have taken a day or two off but I rushed to college and saw the relief on my colleague's face.

"You were running out of leave. I was wondering how to adjust it. Thank God you're back."

Now this particular girl was assistant to the Principal's PA and to be frank I was not on very great terms with her. Just cordial and polite but never more than that. I was touched. It was on her insistance that my HOD rang me up and asked me to join the same day. She could have let things be. A salary cut for me would have made no difference to her. But that is what our college is all about! Thank you S, I'll always remember your concern.

My stay in America was hectic. Grandchildren are a source of joy. I returned to India dreaming about them. While I am not too keen on relocating to the US of A I am glad that our tools of communication is improving by the day and we can remain in constant touch and who'd have thought that I'd be traveling to America as if it was a trip to Bombay or Delhi! Starting from 2002 I've met my children almost each year except perhaps in 2005 and I have no reason to complain.

I get to read some good books whenever I visit my children. So it was this time also. I'd recommend My Stroke of Insight by Dr. Jill Taylor to all of you. It is about the miraculous recovery of the author from a massive stroke and the manner she rediscovered the working of the human brain and the impact it had on her life. Those of us that believe in universal brotherhood and love for fellow human beings should definitely go through this book. According to her, the left hemisphere of our brain is rigid, recognizes limits and is responsible for the analytical side of our nature. This often results in a judgemental attitude and egoistic tendencies. The right side is responsible for a blending, harmonious approach where one can experience universal harmony and bliss and oneness with nature. A balanced mind is the result of according equal importance to both sides so that one can be tolerant without being submissive and analytical without being judgemental. I was greatly impressed and brought the book back to India for others to read and benefit by Dr. Taylor's personal account.

So when my husband blasts me for no fault of mine I plan to tell him that it's really not his fault. I understand that the left side of his brain is working overtime and need to rest a bit!...**wink, wink**. Actually the 6 weeks of alone time has proved useful and he is extra nice these days. I hope I really remember to say all this when our usual routine sets in. The next time I crib about him please remind me won't you?

I think that is enough for a come back post. Hillgmom is planning a trip to USa to see her new grandson. I can sense her excitement. Little Anush is all excited about having a little one at home and I congratulate artnavy for the good news she gave us. As for the rest of you, I am finally done with my jet lag and will catch up on your posts soon. A big hello from me to each of you. Hello.......oo

Tagged

Monika has tagged me to share with you an experience that was scary and horror filled. I cannot think of many such instances since my life has followed a pretty normal course with not many thrillers thrown in. But there is one that scared the life out of me and that is what I plan to report.

It was way back in 1975 and just on new year's day. I was returning to Jamshedpur with my first born-just three months old. My uncle was to accompany me. My mother came to the station to see me off. I was to board a train bound for Chennai coming from Mangalore and the train stopped at Erode where I was supposed to board, for just 10 minutes. I was naturally upset at having to leave home. My mother was full of advices as to how the child needed to be cared for during the long journey and other useful tips that only aa mother can give. The train arrived and my uncle got busy loading the luggage and left me along with the baby and my mother. He came back in 5 minutes and found that my mother was no longer standing by my side and I had no clue as to where she had gone. Now my mother's eyesight was weak and about 70% gone. There was no way we could find out whom she had followed and which compartment she might have gotten into. My mama was almost in tears and asked to porter to bring down all the luggage that had been loaded. A cousin Ambi, who had accompanied us and was to take my mother back jumped in and out of each compartment looking for her and all I could do was to stare at the train, child in hand and eyes filled with tears. Just when the guard was about to blow the whistle Ambi got down from a compartment followed by my mother. relieved to see her my mama ordered the porter to re-load the luggage and almost shoving me into the train waved a hurried good bye to my mother asking Ambi to take her home. We did not even know if all items of luggage had been loaded or not and it was only when the train began to move that the gravity of the situation began to register in our minds. It so happened that my mother mistook someone else for my uncle and followed the person into the wrong compartment. Once inside she could not see a thing and kept calling our names. I still shudder to think of what may have happened if the train had moved before she was located and disembarked. My only regret to this day is that I had the responsibility to take care of her in a busy platform and I had somehow failed her.

I invite all my readers to consider themselves tagged and share their horror experiences with us.

Tagged by The Pack

The Pack has tagged me to reveal 10 facts about me. Well I am not sure if there are 10 things to report about me that would interest others. But since the number is fixed one must strive to make ordinary facts interesting to esure readership. So here I go.

1. My readers ought to know by now that I talk a lot. Yes, i do. I take ten minutes to describe an event or information that others would say in perhaps two minutes? My son hushes me up at times and asks me to come to the point. I'll try, I promise, to mke my posts crisp and readable.

2. I am kind of laid back and were it not for my responsibilities as wife and mother and teacher to fulfill I may just not have a priority list to do things.Right now, at my son's place in New York I am enjoying myself by simply not following any order of doing things. It helps that I have no servant to worry about or else I'd have to finish my work to give her work. Jet lag is a pleasure, I sleep like a log in the afternoon, read a book at three in the morning have lunch at four in the evening......... Oh! what bliss.I can do what I want to and blame it on jet lag. It cannot continue for ever and back in India in about 40 days time I have to follow a routine, jet lag or not. But lemme enjoy myself while I can.

3. I am the kind of person who is perhaps quite approachable. In most of my train/plane journeys I find people talk to me easily. When I landed in New York and while waiting for prepaid transport, there was this woman talking English with a German or perhaps Italian accent (not that I know for sure, I only assumed) who told me that she watched a program 'way to India' or something like that and we spoke for 5 minutes and my son was kind of surprised as to what I could have possibly said to a complete stranger. Remember, she talked to me first. There are women, starting from one who fills water by the roadside to another who is utterly religious and has had a bath when I go for my morning walk, there are so many who have a kind word to say to me. I am indeed blessed.

4. I have a soft corner for women in distress. When I first started working and got a flat salary of Rs. 680/- during my probation period, I felt so empowered that I actually allowed a neighbor to take advantage of me with her sob stories. Another time a widow with 4 children and no job became an eligible candidate for my kindness. It is quite another thing that these ladies forgot me when their situations improved and my husband keeps warning me all the time but I am yet to learn my lesson in a big way. I am however more careful these days.

5. I am not the kind to fuss over my children. Oh yes, I am there to support and help them when they need me. But I've seen mothers cook separate items for dinner for each of her fussy children, or worry about the dress her daughter should wear for a particular occasion. I've seen others questioning teachers about each mark scored or not scored in a particular paper. I don't know if the credit goes to me or my children, but they have been uncomplaining and I've been non interfering, unless of course the matter was really serious. None of us have bothered too much about little eyesores. May be it was the situation we were in or my basic nature or the fact that there was really no cause for panic/alarm we've lead a pretty much comfortable life.

6. While I trust my children to manage well on their own, I cannot say that about my husband. I behave like a mother hen and my children call me an enabler. May be this is because I've seen my mother in law behaving like this towards him.

7. I've said this before and I say it again, I do not care too much for shopping. Window shopping?? I cannot shop for the sake of spending time. in Jamshedpur I know where exactly to look for things and it doesn't take me long to find what I want.

8. I cannot sing but I love listening to music. I am not too much of a TV person and I hate it when people keep changing channels.

9. I used to read a lot earlier but I've now become selective. I am currently reading a book on polygamy that existed in the Mormon community some 100 years back. It is surprising how religion could be used to justify the practice. Here again books dealing with the plight of women interests me. I see that cutting across cultures and religion women have always had to stand up for their rights.

10. I cannot defend myself. When I am accused of something I start seeing the other persons perspective and kind of offer to accept blame or at least part of it. In very much the same way I've always tried to find out what my children did before defending them. And even if they were right I prefer to advice them to stay away from trouble mongers.

So that was a long list. I promised to make my post short. Please wish me luck next time. As for now to quote a character in a Stephen King's novel 'Done, bun, cannot be undone'.

To tag others-

I think I'll tag those who've been quiet for sometime now.

I tag Dipali, Hillgrandmom, Lalitha of across the miles, Srijith Unni and Sumana.

Get going all of you.
As for me I have another tag to do before I get busy helping my daughter to relocate.

Unconditional Love and motherhood.

I felt like writing something about motherhood on Mother's day when I chanced upon Shoba's piece on unconditional love and decided to combine the two. Motherhood is defined as love personified and to a good extent it is unconditional. But it is certainly not so in the true sense of the term. I, for one feel it should not be so for the simple reason that unconditional love for one's children makes one overlook their faults and unfortunately to the extent of endorsing them. Let me give you an example.

I had mentioned about Mr. S in this post of mine. Unfortunately he and his wife were blind to their child's faults and today the couple have no peace of mind thanks to the son. It breaks my heart to see him fold hands in front of his scooter, praying perhaps for the safety of his son. Yes, the son met with a major accident due to drunken driving and the middle class family had to shell out their life time savings to save him. Blindly supporting one's ward will not help and unfortunately it is the mother who chooses to do so and often ends up holding vital information even from the father until things spin out of control. Motherhood is also a responsibility and there is no harm laying down conditions if only they would serve to disciplune your child.

P was widowed at the age of 36 and the onus of raising four sons fell on her. Her husband, when alive was a prudent spender but upon his untimely death had left her a tidy sum of money in addition to gold and several acres of land. She decided that her sons would have the very best and anyone who warned her about her overspending became her enemy. The family literally ate the money away and within 10 years there was nothing left. Not to be put off she encouraged the sons to gamble and speculate and finally the boys became paupers with huge sums as loans to their credit. Their wives lost all the jewelry they got as dowry from their parents and were open in their criticism of the mother whom they held responsible. While I agree that one's love for his/her children should want them to have the very best it should be conditional to their means. If everyone who gambled and speculated made lots of money all our bookies would have closed shop long back.

K's mother loved her a lot. She never let her do even a minor chore in the house. When the daughter got married her love for the daughter was such that she'd visit the daughter almost every month and be fiercely protective of her to the extent of interfering in the couple's day to day affairs and finally it was not the son in law but the daughter who showed her the door. She was devastated but had only herself to blame for the situation.

This mother's day I would appeal to all mothers to set terms and conditions if you want your child to mature into responsible adults. You may spare the rod by all means,for nothing has ever been achieved by terrorizing people. There are umpteen other ways to show that you care a lot for them but you also have certain expectations from them and being responsible human beings tops the list. Remember, if things go wrong you are the one who will be blamed.

I had the pleasure of going through a number of posts on the tag that connected mothers from all over the world. Each one was unique and special. Many wrote about how happy they were to hold their baby for the first time and how they watched him/her grow and so many other things. Motherhood is all about letting go.

Your child at the age of one wants to be let down to play with others of his age. You gladly oblige.

Your child runs off to school waving to his friends. You are glad that he has found a play group.

Your children stop talking the minute you enter the room. They have secrets that they do not wish to share with you. It hurts but you accept the situation all the same.

Your adult daughter/son has found a partner or may be you have found one for them. Either way they are ready to enter the next important phase of their lives. It becomes imperative to become invisible unless the situation demands that you interfere. And the reason for your interferance better be valid. The relationship cannot evolve with you breathing down their necks.

So at the end of it mother hood is about being conditional when your children are growing and unconditional when they settle down in life. One just has to decide where to draw the line.

Happy Mother's day to all of you moms and supermoms!

The Karma Philosophy.

Troubles come in battalions and one tends to feel all is lost. They are like thunder clouds that darken the sky and there is gloom in the air. But then there is a downpour and it is all bright and sunny again. Do we wish away thunderstorms and torrential rains? Of course we don’t. It is only on the rarest of occasions that torrential rains cause havoc in the form of floods and the human race is such that even after a tsunami people muster courage and start anew.

Take for instance Mr. T who faced a tsunami like situation some 10 years back. He lost his older brother to a major heart attack although he went for routine annual check ups and no heart trouble was ever detected. The brother was in fact a father figure since Mr. T lost his mother at an early age and it was his brother who took care of his emotional health ever since his father remarried and a step mother arrived on the scene. He hardly got over his brother’s death when the company he worked for decided to forcibly retire some of its employees and he was one among the unlucky few. With four children studying, two in high school and two in college, the family was devastated. Lay offs were not common but his organization was trying to reduce its work force, thanks to automation and computer technology. They dared not touch the workers with a solid union support. Officers were the affected ones and their services could be terminated on the slightest pretext. Everyone seemed to write Mr. T off. His wife stood by his side like a rock and the family managed to tide through troubled times. The children rose to the occasion and are doing very well in life thanks to their combined effort.

Mr. P likewise thought all was lost when following a mild heart attack he was asked to go for a bypass surgery. He was a teacher by profession and our government seems to think that teachers do not fall ill. He got a medical allowance Rs. 20/- quite enough to buy 2 strips of paracetamol or asprin but certainly not sufficient for financing costly medical treatment. His son had just joined his MBA and he had exhausted all his savings for his admission to the course. His wife again rose to the occasion. The extended family helped as much as they could. 16 years have gone by and today the family is up on its feet with the son and daughter happily married. Friendly loans have been repaid and the truma they faced is now a thing of the past.

My own sister in law suffered a stroke and was on ventilator for nearly a month. Finance was not a major issue but with a weak heart and an urgent need to have a valve replacement things did not look bright. It was sheer will power that saw her through and today she has recovered sufficiently and is well enough to direct the servants. She is once again the supporting wife she had always been.

I can give so many similar examples where a traumatic turn of events for whatever reason depresses the spirit of a family but the revolving wheels of time sees to it that a cold winter is soon followed by a cheerful spring and summer. After the initial shock one gathers strength and fights back.

When my father passed away one heard relatives saying that my mother would have been better off if the two younger children had not been born. She could have got the daughters married and lived with the older son. Now the younger two had not even begun school and were an added responsibility. Logical enough but I’d feel outraged and fiercely protective about my kid brothers. Now I realize that the responsibility of having two children to care for actually gave my mother a good reason to lead a purposeful life. She was visually challenged and was almost blind for the last 10-12 years of her life. She had stopped reading and writing long back. But her mental sharpness was immense. She’d remember details about when the interest from fixed deposits were due, what her bank balance should be at any given time, the amount that she last withdrew and god knows what else. She lived to see all of us settled and spent her final years surrounded by doting grandchildren and dutiful sons and daughters in law.

Why should people suffer at all, I wonder. There are explanations of the sins of past births and the balancing of karma. They say that the sins of our ancestors have to be accounted for and just as the son is expected to pay off the father’s debt we suffer due to the misdeeds of our forefathers. All this is fine and help one to find reason to fight back. As long as one is not directly accused and the blame lies on an unknown ancestor one seems motivated to get on with life. I have a different explanation to offer. I do not know of past or future births or the good/bad deeds of my ancestors. But I do know that just as spring cannot be appreciated unless winter precedes it, the good things we are bestowed with cannot be appreciated unless the possibility/ probability of bad times was either experienced or foreseen. I wonder if there is any other explanation.

The election experience.

I thought i'd write about the farce they call elections in India, the biggest democracy in the world. I am too sleepy now and slightly off mood for not being able to vote. As for the plight of my colleagues who went on polling duty to some interior, naxal controlled areas, well they called up to tell me that they had reached home safe and sound and promised to share their experiences when college re-opened on Monday. I was glad that they understood that I was concerned. Luckily ladies were spared this time.

Several colleges and schools were closed down since they were needed for election purposes, crores of rupees have been spent yet at least fifty percent of those whom I contacted after the election on the 23rd of April said that they kept running from booth to booth but could not find their name listed in any of them. Our area can be described as a rectangle 2 kms. in length and 1 km. broad. Yet to prepare a master chart indicating the allotment of booths to its residents was too difficult a task. Had they deputed a few sincere staff members of our college to make out such a list we would have happily obliged. Another thing that left me wondering is that our uneducated milkman and dhobi were able to cast their votes while educated people could not. I am in an uncompromising mood so I truly feel that we were deliberately confused and forced to retreat while the possibility of bogus voting in our place cannot be ruled out.

This is how I gave vent to my feelings-

I checked the internet and visited the concerned site. It opened a page with 255 booths listed and asked me to click on my booth. Had I known the number of my booth I'd have cast my vote and not surf the net.

'Fools' I muttered under my breath. There was a contact number.

I rang up.

It was the DC's office

A voice answered the phone pretty quickly. My hope started building up.

Me:Sir, I am calling from Kadma. I've been trying to locate my booth since morning. Could you help?

Voice:Sorry ma'am. why don't you try a few booths near your home. we've tried to allot the nearest booth to residents of a particular area.

Me:I've tried 5 booths and no luck yet.

Voice: you can check our site in the net.

Me: I'm sitting right in front of the computer but I can't click on 255 spots and check each and every voters' list. Could you tell me the booth numbers for Kadma?

Voice: I'll call another person and he may be able to help you.

I waited for 2 minutes and a second voice took over.

Second Voice: How may I help you?

Me: You may help me by helping me locate my booth. I want to cast my vote. Do you have any provision for me to feed my voter ID number to locate my booth. Or if I give you my name could you locate it for me?

Second voice: Sorry ma'am, the DIO (God knows what it stood for) is attending a meeting. We'll get back to you when he comes back. He may have a list.

Me: Do you have my phone number?? How do you plan to get back to me?

Second voice: No, ma'am. Why don't you ring us up in 10 minutes. We'll try to find out.

I was in a terrible mood by then-

Me: Do you have my name or my address to try and find out. What kind of system are you running? In the scorching heat we've been running from booth to booth to cast our vote and it is already two in the afternoon. Your dumb website has no purposeful information and your officer goes for a meeting taking the list with him and you guys have no backup copy. If educated people have so much trouble what would be the plight of illiterate people?

Voice: I understand ma'am but I am not in a position to help.

At this point I felt genuinely sorry for blasting the poor fellow. With our administrative officers unable to direct their sub ordinates, despite being treated like pampered sons in law, there was no point yelling at this man who was perhaps a peon or counter clerk. The cynic in me says that this was perhaps deliberately done. A professor in our colony went with his wife to cast his vote. His name was missing while his wife a home maker was allowed to vote since her name figured in the list. Another friend, a school teacher looked up my name wherever she went and I checked on hers. Neither of us could locate our names.

Tell me am I wrong in calling the election process a farce and waste of time?

Where are we heading?? what is our goal?

I was terribly upset by two incidents reported by news channels/papers and found it difficult to come to terms with the fact that such incidents do take place in the 21st century and we have no scope for speedy justice with the judiciary being what it is.

The first incident is about the death of an 11 year old girl who was mercilessly punished by her teacher for failing to recite her english alphabets. The girl was beaten and made to stand in the sun for nearly two hours. She fainted and it was her younger sister who informed her parents who took her to the hospital in a critical condition and the girl slipped into a coma and finally died.

I strongly feel that the government should have some kind of check on granting affiliation to schools. These days schools have become business centres and while government school teachers are paid well they have no accountability and private school pay so badly that those who are recruited in them feel exploited. Their frustration is transferred to an innocent child. Very often people who teach in prestigious schools are mainly interested in giving private tuitions to students from affluent families and those in government schools have reached there by greasing palms. Both groups cannot be expected to do justice to the profession. How else do we explain the brutal punishment meted out to this particular student? The girl was 11 years old and was studying in std II. For all we know she might have had some kind of learning disability or other health problems and needed special care and attention. Well I can go on and on.


The second incidence is about a gang rape in Mumbai. An American student studying in Mumbai's TISS was gangraped by 6 boys known to her batch mate and she herself reported the incidence to the police some three days after it took place once she was in a position to do so. Three of the culprits were from a reputed school in Jamshedpur who were pursuing their higher studies in Mumbai. Jamshedpur being a small town we seem to know everyone either directly or indirectly and my heart goes out to the mothers of these boys who placed absolute trust in their sons while sending them out of town to study. I don't want to go into the reasons. It is easy to blame the girl. The act cannot be justified in any way. But a for boy barely in his early twenties to be part of the crime perhaps also means an end of a bright career even before it took off. The girl is bound to remain traumatized for a long long time. Who takes the blame and how much of it? Parents? The culprits? The victim? Is society as a whole which fails to give the right kind of sex education to our youngsters? There is a need to analyze the problem from all possible angles. This could happen to any of the youngsters who would soon take their place in society.

Shiv Khera is known for his famous statement-

"If you are not part of the solution then you are a part of the problem".

Do we want to be part of the problem or of the solution? The time has come to make a choice. We cannot escape responsibility. The next victim could be one of your own family for all you know.

More Gup shap

I had earlier written a post on how inanimate objects behave as if they have a mind of their own. The power supply goes of just when a news of national importance is being flashed on TV and the gas cylinder has to be replaced when one is winding up cooking and just the seasoning bit is left and the list goes on. Suddenly I realize that animate objects become inanimate whenever it suits them and that is even more frustrating.

Take for example the head of the family who is sitting in the drawing room, newspaper in hand. No, I don't mean just my husband my father in law was no better. The door bell rings and the onus of opening the door and answering the call invariably falls on the lady slogging it out in the kitchen. She has to remember to switch off the gas or else the milk will spill over, she has to keep the knife out of reach or the brat will invariably cut himself with it and yet the newspaper reader is as good as the sofa he sits on. He just does not hear the bell.

The child has decided to be difficult. He refuses food, won't listen to a story and insists on being carried around. The father becomes selectively deaf. He can watch a cricket match, follow election analysis in 3 different channels but the child's tantrums do not affect him. You have no option but to dump the child on his lap and the brat becomes quiet and manageable.

The telephone rings and it is only the mother who has to pick it up. The grown up son/daughter have their own mobiles to receive personal calls and the husband seems to have lost the ability to walk. "The phone is ringing" he announces, but will not pick it up. As if all land line calls are only meant for the wife/mother.

Visitors have arrived. The children mumble a hurried 'namaste' and retreat to their rooms or better still go out as if they have some important work to do. The husband has only a half hearted smile to offer and the job of entertaining them, enquiring after their ailing grandfather/their children's entrance exams/their thrice removed cousin's marriage preparation.......well you are supposed to remember so many things and your better half keeps changing channels and watching TV. You go to the kitchen to prepare tea and either invite the visitor into the kitchen or continue the conversation from there since all others have become selectively dumb. Glaring at the husband will not help. He can look into your eyes and not 'see' anything. Point it out to them later and pat comes the reply.

"You were doing all the talking. There was nothing for me to say."

The very same children can talk for hours on the phone with their friends and the conversation has to turn to politics or cricket/football and just see how animated your husband becomes.

Multi - tasking seems to come naturally to women. Or is it perhaps forced on them and is acquired over time? I, for one, feel that men have it easy. At least I know of one man who does. Or is it that their priorities differ?

I have a lot of freedom. I sometimes I wish that I had less of it because decision making also means taking responsibility when things go wrong. I have seen women who will remain in the background out of choice and they seem to be better off. Or are they? My friend Prema for instance is handicapped but is still a pillar of strength to her husband. It is perhaps this very quality that is sustaining her. I cannot imagine her being different. Her in laws say that they remain in touch with the brother only because of her. This may be a bit of an exaggeration. But it also emphasizes on her role in running the show.

I meant to write a light post but this is becoming serious. I really want some inputs from the male perspective. But perhaps these are not issues to men at all. Like my husband would say-

"Yes, I was watching TV when so and so came. So what?? What is your problem about it? The programme was interesting and they would have watched it with me were it not for you." How's that? All my raving and ranting goes waste. Too bad isn't it?

Celebrating Ram Navami.

Ram Navami was celebrated all over India and to my mind it appears that a kind of competitiveness has taken over and genuine devotion has taken a back seat. No, please don't misunderstand me. I don't question the spirit behind the celebration of festivals. But I do not understand why there have to be 5 pandals, each blaring a different devotional song, in a two kilometer stretch that I cover as part of my morning walk? Two such sites were on opposite sides of a busy intersection and honking motorcycles and cars raised the noise levels and pedestrians continued to cross the road oblivious to commuters on motorized vehicles. What is the purpose being served I wonder? Long ago as a school girl I read somewhere that festivals are actually social events and a poor man's method of enjoying the day. He forgets his woes and takes his children out, buys them an article or two as per his affordability and the family roams around enjoying the music that invariably accompanies such gatherings. This made sense if the participants were farm labourers who toiled hard all through the year and a whole village got together to relax and celebrate the day in a single temple. So much the better if the poorer sections of society were treated to good food in the form of a wholesome meal cooked in hygenic conditions. May be I am getting old and cynical but I find something missing in the way pujas are organized these days. It looks as if there is a pressing need to prove a point.

Lord Ram was a devoted son who spent 14 years in the forest to honour his father's commitment to his step mother. To my old fashioned mind it appears as if the best and only way to express one's devotion to Lord Ram whether as a deity or a noble King would be show concern for the elders in our family and others in our neighborhood. We have old people leading lonely lives with children having flown the nest. Why not spend an evening with them listening to soft music and relishing some wholesome, healthy food and generally making them feel useful and wanted? Why can't brothers live like Ram and Lakshman instead of fighting over who would look after their parents and for how long?

I often say that if a son or daughter is strong enough to say that these are my parents and I am going to provide them a peaceful life in their old age, their spouse and children would soon soon follow. They may not be happy doing it initially but will ultimately get used to it. Very often people disagree with me and say that several parents are dominating and demanding. The onus of explaining the situation to parents also falls on the son/daughter. Rare is the parent who does not understand the son/daughter's plight.

So while wishing all of you a 'Happy Ram Navami' though belated, let me pledge that I would celebrate the day serving/attending to those in need, preferably senior citizens so that their children working in distant places may lead their lives in peace.

My own mother was born on Janmashtami and passed away on Ram Navami day. She was on dialysis toward the end of her life. I was able to pay my respect to her memory on Ram Navami by spending sometime with a friend who is also on dialysis following kidney failure. I pray for her speedy recovery for her own sake and for the sake of the wonderful children that God has blessed her with.

Memories........... a whole lot of them!

I think I've taken a long enough break and can start writing again. The past 6 weeks have been as hectic as enjoyable. Grandson Kapil was seen running all over the house and we wondered whether he ever walked. Literally on his toes as one would say. I truly thought of ITW and wondered how she coped with twin boys. My grandkids born two years apart need to be watched all the time and though the daughter who is older has calmed down, she can be upto all sorts of pranks when in her younger brother's company! I relived the time when my children were small and returning to an empty house after saying goodbye to them at Madurai was painful.

I tend to be sentimental after my children visit me. But I could not help comparing their visits to our own to my grandfather's place in Gobichettipalayam. those were days when we ran wild. My grandfather was a patient man. No rules were imposed and we ate and played to our heart's content. Those were days without TV and a movie at a local theatre was a treat for us kids. We'd hire a bullock cart and to maintain balance we'd sit in two rows facing each other.The youngest among us would sit at the rear end, feet dangling outside. I remember sleeping off in the theatre once and being woken up after the movie got over. We had a room allotted for the ripening of mangoes. Hay was spread out on the floor and half ripe mangoes would be placed on it. We'd get a mango each after lunch and dinner. Our competition would be to see who finished last and I inevitably won being a slow eater.

We took turns to bathe in the bathroom and who bathed first was a major contraversy. We'd line up in front of the bathroom towel and change of clothes in hand. We'd let in a favorite cousin through a side door after bathing, n ever mind if at least four others waited in front of the main door!

Then there are memories of my grandfather plucking flowers while chanting Vishnu Sahastranamam and one of us running to a store nearby to fetch plantains of a particular variety to be offered during the evening prayers. Whatever work one did, we always assembled in the pooja room when camphor was lit and the bell starting ringing announcing the end of the prayer session.

There are memories of the board games we played and the quarrels that followed with each one accusing the others of foul play and finally the ghost stories/stories that were oft repeated but we never ever got bored of listening over and over again. Finally we slept huddled up in the hall that doubled up for a bedroom at night. we formed groups according to our age and had many a secret to share and we spoke in whispers till our mothers admonished us and we rolled over on the floor finally drifting off to sleep.

I often wonder whether my grandkids would ever have such memories of their vacations at my place. They are too small now but will they at a later stage look forward to visiting us the way we did? Times have changed and it is no longer safe to let children run wild. Health is a major concern and mineral water replaces water from the well and computer games have taken over from games like 'hide and seek' and hop scotch. I'd be disappointed if my grandkids did not find their vacations to India interesting something to look forward to. There is one thing that hasn't changed and that is chilhood. So perhaps there is no need to fret. They may find different reasons to want to come to us but they will look forward to it all the same.

Hi all,
taking a break from my blogworld since I expect to be busy for the next few weeks.Daughter no.2 and my son are expected to be in India in the next couple of weeks and so my time is to be devoted to every moment with my children and grandchildren.And I also have a confession to make. Without any expectation of inputs from you on my posts I am just going to read and enjoy each one of your writings.So i'll be in touch through my comments on your posts.Enjoy the good weather that spring brings with it.The scorching summer is bound to transform me into a sleepy crocodile and may be I'll post something then if my mind and body support me.So goodbye for now.See you soon.

Scientific application?

We recently had a debate in college on “the study of science leads to better career opportunities” and our students spoke for and against the motion. The usual arguments about the tried and tested professions of doctors and engineers needing a science background, and Mathematics and Statistics having entered every field of importance the view that the study of science was important for a fruitful career was endorsed by many. I have been a science student all along and it is but natural that I too support this view. Even otherwise plumbing, masonry, a technician in the pathological lab all need to know basic science even if they discontinue at a later stage. So even if one does not aspire to become an astronaut knowledge of basic science is of help in any career. The scientific temperament of logically analyzing a situation and managerial skills of making maximum use of available resources are useful not only for a career but also to run a family. But why then is the study of science taking a back seat and why do we not have good science teachers any more? The motivation to study science is diminishing by the day and it pains me to see science being studied and taught in the most unscientific manner in our schools and colleges.

As a student of class six I was excited when I verified the upward thrust of air pressure through a simple experiment. I had the time to take a cigarette tin, punch a single hole on top and several hole in the bottom, fill it with water and demonstrate to my younger sister that blocking the hole on top prevents water from flowing out from the bottom holes. I remember learning the Botanical names of ladies finger and sweet potato and using them to baffle my mother when I came home on vacation. We had fun at the expense of our friend, a simpleton, by giving her an unidentified plant material and telling her that it was called Roadorum sidorum which literally meant road side in Tamil and she was naïve enough to believe us. During my preparation for my M. Sc. Exams I was so much into it that my husband knew the answers to the oft discussed topics and my son who was in standard two was able to draw the chemical structure of Gibberalin, a plant growth hormone, of course without understanding it. Today we have students who have to be literally coaxed or threatened to contribute to the science day celebrations that are going on in our college.

“We’re having a seminar on Global Warming” I’d announce “I’ll be taking attendance after that. I want each one of you to be there.”

Or, “How many of you have given your names for the science quiz? If I see you contributing towards the program in some way or other I’ll sign your record work. Those who don’t can submit your record work without my signature in the examination.”

I am not happy doing this but this is the only way to get students to participate. Twenty years have gone by since I completed my post graduation and students have changed their attitude and approach beyond recognition. Of course it is unfortunate that the best and the next best group have left Jharkhand for places like Delhi, Chennai, Bangalore and Maharashtra. Even middle class families are paying through their nose to see to it that their wards get good education. A career for their children is a must these days and there is nothing wrong in it. Entrance exams are a nightmare and a sixteen year old kid cannot afford to enjoy the process of learning by experimentation the way I did. She/he has to attend coaching classes, complete assignments that he doesn’t even have time to deliberate upon and unless I threaten them of dire consequences my final year students would prefer to attend computer classes or MBA coaching centers and prepare for competitive exams rather than sit through a science seminar on ‘Global warming’. And do I have the right to find fault with them? They may not have gone outside Jamshedpur to study but they do want a good career for themselves like anyone else. The day is not far off when students would tell me to my face that they have better things to do and may complain to the student union that I was trying to threaten them, never mind what my intentions were. I think I must learn to retreat while there is time. Or we may soon have the brothers shouting slogans against teachers like me.

Under the circumstances is it any wonder that a career that fetches a good pay packet is the only career that interests students? The good ones will not work as teachers in private school so those that come from school do not have a strong base. Entrance exams are a series of ticks and crosses and in depth studies are outmoded.

A group of three students would attend only practical classes and skip theory. They were brilliant in their own way. I asked them how they would tackle final year portions in applied biology, genetics etc. Pat came the reply-

“We’ve covered all that in plus two and we have the notes”

The three not only passed out with a first division but also did their MBA from one of the best institutes in the country. It was then that I realized that they had set their priorities and worked towards it. The complex theories of inheritance do not interest since they were not keen on research work! I was perhaps able to enjoy an in depth study of my subject because I already had a comfortable job and did not have to answer entrance exams.

So I come back to the topic of my debate. A successful career needs an analytical mind and the right attitude. If science lays claim to these qualities – so be it. But I am afraid that these cannot be claimed by science alone. Diligence is required in all fields and proper application of knowledge is the key to success whether one is an officer in the bank, a professionally qualified person or a house maid/keeper.

Awards and More Awards!

I had been given this award by Renu long back but something or the other kept cropping up and i could acknowledge it only now. thank you Renu and I see you've uploaded your photograph so I seem to know you better now.This award is awarded for "acknowledging the values that every blogger shows in his/her effort to transmit cultural, ethical, literary and personal values every day."

It is wonderful to be recognized in such a manner and what can I say in return?I am indeed overwhelmed and touched.

Now to more awards-










I have been awarded by oorjas not once or twice but thrice. That was wonderful and thank you so much for it oorjas. And congratulations to you too. to be awarded thrice within 2 months of starting your blog speaks volumes of your writing skills and you do write well. my best wishes for many more to come your way.

I pass on these award to all my wonderful readers who have pampered and patronized me. They've shown concern when I was ill and felt frustrated when I did not get my dues. My dear readers, these awards actually belong to each one of you. After all where would I be were it not for you?Please claim what is rightfully your's.

A story that impressed me

This is a rough translation of an interesting story I read in a Tamil magazine a few years back. It must have impressed me a lot for me to remember it even now.

An old man had let out a part of his house in the suburbs of Chennai to a middle aged couple with a teen aged son. He had a son who was well settled, leading a busy life, living in a posh upper class locality of Central Chennai. It was evident to the tenants that the relationship between the old man and his son was cordial but rather aloof and the old man never seemed very comfortable during the son’s monthly visits which were regular but formal affairs. The daughter in law and his only grand daughter also accompanied the son more out of a sense of duty than genuine affection. The old man put down his son’s behavior to the formative years the son spent in boarding schools and hostels since he himself had a transferable job and was very often posted to areas that lacked good schools.

“I catered to his physical requirements but never to his emotional ones. He is doing the same to me. He was close to his mother but unfortunately she died early and he never bonded with me the way he could have. But he is a good boy and I have no complaints.” He’d often say. He’d go on to add that the tenant and his family were as good as his own. Their 14 year old son called him ‘thatha’ meaning grandpa and often went to him for help with his home work assignments. He dined with them on festive occasions, remembered their birthdays and anniversary and asked after their extended family who in turn had a kind word for him whenever they visited.

One day the old man suffers a stroke and has to be hospitalized. The couple who had by now grown very attached to him tried to contact his son who was holidaying abroad and took care of him till his arrival. The son arrived quickly enough and was very grateful to the couple for their help. He took charge of the situation and shifted the old man to a hospital near his house and arranged for an attendant to look after him.

The tenants continue with their busy lives when their son wonders aloud as to how ‘thatha’ may be faring. It is then that they realize that a week had gone by and they had not visited him in hospital. The hospital was far off but the trio undertake a tedious trip by local train to the nearest station and hire a taxi from there to the hospital. They feel relieved that his condition was stable when their son goes close enough to hear the old man mumble something.

“I have a table made of Burma teak. It is a spacious one and you would use it as your study table as a child. I got it specially made for you when you started school. The tenant’s son uses it these days. They are a cunning lot and may claim it to be theirs. You don’t get such good furniture these days and a table of that size would cost a fortune even if one makes it with some ordinary wood let alone teak wood. You must take time to go and fetch it for your daughter..……..”

The tenants are shocked. The old man continued to mumble something but it did not matter any more. They return even without waking the old man despite their son’s protests.

This story set me thinking. Parenting is often described as sacrifice. It is supposed be a forgiving experience. One tends to overlook the flaws of children and in spite of irresponsible behavior from them one always tries to defend them. But don’t we owe some kind of appreciation to those who stand by us in our time of need? Can we afford to be blind to the fact that neighbors who pitch in and help are not bound to do so but they do it out of genuine concern? In this story for instance it was alright for the old man to want to give the table to his grandkid. But was it necessary to imply that the couple were cunning and had an ulterior motive in taking care of him? With more and more children leaving ageing parents to deal with their old age is it not important for us to change our attitude?

Gup shap -5

It is long since I wrote anything on my blog. Well I’ve been a little busy, a little unwell and a lot lazy. My daughter visited us briefly in the first week of January and it was fun having my grand daughters with me to celebrate Pongal. College problems persisted and we were once again busy fighting for our dues from the government. The 6th pay recommendations are due from 2006 but we continue to bicker for the implementation of the 5th pay commission’s recommendations. When it does get implemented we find that our fixation is all wrong and we actually stand to lose money instead of gaining by it. All we could do was to request that our old scale be continued till it is rectified. Whoever says that India is shining, is an optimist. Unfortunately I am not. India can never shine if those entrusted with higher education are given step motherly treatment by the government. Why would anyone want to take up teaching as a career option if teacher’s have to fight for their rights and the non teaching staff are reminded that their services hold no value to the powers that run the country?

Now that was not what I wanted to write about in a come back post. So let me write about my health. I am a really sweet person you know? That is perhaps why my blood sugar remains high even after a breakfast of 2 biscuits and a glass of sugar free coffee. My doctor promptly increased my medicine and has asked me to have a battery of tests done after 15 days of trial. In the meantime I have to deal with a frozen shoulder and spondilitis. Serves me right for ignoring my shoulders!

Why my shoulder chose to freeze is beyond my understanding. May be I ignored it for too long and took it for granted. Just as a wife’s role in a household. I valued my arms but ignored the shoulder that supported them. The condition is horrible. Being vertically challenged (Should I say handicapped) I stand short with about 2/3 of the blackboard above my head. I manage to reach about 3/4 of the board with my stretched hands when my shoulder co-operates. Now I only reach till the level of my nose or my eye if I put up with a little pain and my students give me strange looks. I seem to want to scratch my back more often these days and my hands just don’t take orders from me. I try doing something simple as taking out a bottle from my kitchen shelf and the pain that follows drives me to tears. To add to my woes my doctor asks me to wait for a whole year before approaching him again. He has suggested exercises and I’d look crazy doing them. Like I have to place my palm against the wall and crawl up the wall for as high as I can manage and bring it down in slow motion. Hold on to a railing or grill till the level of about a half a foot above my head and move away till my hand hurts. If you treat the shoulders with care and respect the pain is tolerable at times and almost non existent at other times. But try ignoring it, the pain returns with a vengeance so what if it is the middle of the night and one is enjoying a sweet dream.

What next I wonder? Will my hip clamor for attention too? After all they support my feet and need to be taken care of. Till I fell victim I had not heard of a frozen shoulder. Now several others share their experiences. Like the gentleman whose right and left shoulders froze at the same time. I promptly thanked my shoulders for taking turns to freeze. Yes this is the second time this is happening. Way back in 2001 it was the other shoulder that froze. In my confusion I forgot that it was my right shoulder that froze earlier and it is my left that is creating trouble now. The blackboard agony has now been replaced by my need to change gears while driving. When I change gears I try to be as careful and slow as possible and once the job is done I almost thank my shoulder for being kind and considerate.

This is no laughing matter I assure you. Every finger and every toe is important so are the heart that cannot afford to miss a beat or the lung, liver as well as each and every organ in the body. We take life too much for granted and it took a frozen shoulder to help me realize its worth and value. Wishing each one of you health and happiness.

Heartfelt........-2

Mr.S has been our neighbor since 1993. Their son S was in his early teens when they shifted to our complex. My son and S played together. Their daughter might've been around 10 years then. So when I was told that S was seen meddling with my scooty I felt that I was justified in asking him not to do it since I was rather out of touch and was driving a two wheeler after a gap of 6 years and did not want any problem on my way to and from the college. I went to their flat and said this the same way I'd have told Rahul.

"Tell me who has been filling your ears" the boy bellowed. "I'll teach them a lesson. Come on tell me."

I was shocked not expecting such a reaction. I flatly refused to name anyone. It was the father who pitched in on behalf of his son.

"You cannot do this Mrs.R" he said. "People keep accusing my son of things he doesn't do. You will have to give us the person's name."

"That's fine" I said, "If he hadn't meddled with my scooty he only has to say so. There is no reason for me to disbelieve him."

"That doesn't end the matter" said the mother. "You came here only after hearing from someone that my son meddled with your scooty. You can't go away without giving us the name."

Their daughter also joined the group and the whole family took turns to scream at me and my husband came out to see what was happening. He was shocked to see me involved in a controversy. He hadn't expected it and he could not make head or tail of what was being said.

"Get back home immediately." he said.

Turning to Mr. S he said "I am sorry and apologize on behalf of my wife. Had she told me this earlier I would not have let her approach you with her complaint."

Turning to the son he said "I know that you would not have done anything of the sort. You're a good boy."

When my husband gets angry he can be mercilessly sarcastic and his message to the family was very clear.

"I was only trying to tell them........" I persisted.

"Never mind what you were trying to tell them. Try telling me when you get home. May be I'd understand. Come on let's go."

I went home and for the next half an hour the boy screamed as if he had gone berserk and his parents could not control him. Neighbors intervened and finally all was quiet. I thought that the matter was over.

Actually it wasn't over but I'd rather not go into it since that was not the purpose of this post. I keep wondering how far is a parent responsible for the way his ward turns out to be. If my children have grown up to be normal human beings am I allowed to take credit? Or am I just lucky? The question of 'Nature' versus 'Nurture' keeps coming to my mind and what role do these play in shaping a person's character? And what about the company one keeps.

I truly have nothing against the boy mentioned in this post but I tend to keep away from him. Am I wrong in doing so? As a neighbor it is easy for me to do so. His parents cannot do it. I cannot bring myself to reach out to him after the incident. The parents are a troubled lot and tho' more than 8 years have lapsed, the boy's behavior, that I had put down to teen trouble and adoloscent age, has not changed. Since most of the neighbors ignore him he tends to vent his frustration on his parents. Luckily his sister has turned out to be a responsible girl and has taken up a job.

Long back I read a book that left an impact in my mind. I'm afraid I don't remember the name of the book or its author. the story was about a doctor who was leading a normal life till her teenaged son gets upset with his girl friend and in a fit of uncontollable rage smashes her head leading to her death. The boys reaction is one of withdrawal from his family and friends, refusal to open up even to his mother who wants to arrange for counselling and his being sent to a correction home. It was a touching story, very well written and I found myself thinking that this could happen to anyone. His stubborn silence is traumatic to his mother who wants to tell him that she wanted to see him through this tragic event in his life, that her love for him had not diminished even a bit and that she still had faith that he would be a wonderful human being. Finally the story ends with the son acknowledging his mother's love and the readers feel relieved that there is hope for the boy. One just does not feel judgemental but rather feels sorry that such a thing should have ever happened in the boy's life.

Parents of teenaged children please don't let your love for your child make you turn a blind eye to their faults. I've known mothers encouraging their sons to gamble and look for short cuts to earn money. I've seen parents using their connections to see to it that their child tops his/her batch. They are in fact ruining the child's future for a moment's glory. Help them build a career but more importanly help them build their character - you owe it to them as well as society.

Awarded!!

Thanks Usha for this award. I feel honoured and touched at the same time. What a way to begin the year. I acknowledge and accept it hoping that more would certainly follow. Am I being selfish? Bear with me. Afterall it is New Year's day!!

This award is for “acknowledging the values that every blogger shows in his/her effort to transmit cultural, ethical, literary and personal values every day”.
I'd like to pass this to prats, monika, alapana and vishesh.

Biological Inspiration

Being a teacher of Biology I thought of doing a post on my own subject. I felt I’ve neglected it for too long and it needs to be accorded a place in my blog. I must tell you what made me take up Biology in the first place. I was truly more comfortable with Math and I had a flair for languages. I was good at Hindi (I really WAS good) and I remember reading the first library book in Hindi, that was issued to me in school, in about an hour or so and had nothing to read for a whole week. Till my 11th standard board exams I’d never illustrate my biology answers with suitable diagrams. For the boards I practiced a few diagrams and luckily there was some question on adaptations of animals and I actually managed to draw the diagram and was grateful to God for it.

It was with such inartistic inclination that I took up Biology in PUC. Those were days when a choice had to be made between Math and Biology and I opted for Biology since I had dreams of following my father’s footsteps and becoming a doctor. And it was then that I realized that with a little practice diagrams in science could be mastered but dissections in Zoology made me shed tears of self pity. What had I got myself into? Mathematics was so much easier to deal with than frogs and roaches. I was in perpetual terror of Zoology practical classes and skipped lunch on those days as my only way of protesting against my Zoology teacher who’d dish out cockroach after cockroach till I got my dissection right.

For my graduation I took up Botany as my Major subject surprising everyone by refusing to even apply for a seat in medicine. I felt Zoology could be dealt with at a subsidiary level and plants were certainly easier tohandle. So if I had to be stuck up with the wrong subject I may as well choose the easier one. I really do not know when I started loving my subject but in the three years that followed and later when I did my Masters and Ph.D. I did enjoy studying the subject. I have my practical record books in the department and my students refer to it even now. I also managed to get over my dislike for Zoology and today I tell my students that the two subjects are complimentary and should be viewed as life sciences.

I am in awe of nature because-

When left alone there is such a balance in nature that it would put us to shame. The adaptations made to accommodate other life forms could well be emulated by us. In an earlier post I had written –

“After all take a look at the soaring branches of a tree and how the same source of light is successfully utilized by each and every leaf of a tree and every tree in an environment. And the root system penetrating the soil uses the same water source without disturbing the roots of neighboring vegetation. Compare roots to cultural values and spreading branches to children looking for new avenues to spread their wings. Do they not play different roles important in their own way but each occupying its own special niche thus complimenting each other?”

I had written this with reference to adjustments in a marriage. Why only marriage? Why cannot this apply to adjustment and accommodation of different cultures and religions? What is stopping us from respecting and taking useful lessons from other cultures?

When I go for my morning walks I always look at the trees for inspiration. Their branching is clearly visible in autumn. Each tree has a pattern unique to its family. Their flowering season also varies. Insects and bees that feed on their nectar get a steady supply all through the year. Some plants are heliotropes and need bright sunlight and others are shade loving and happily grow in the diffused light available beneath tall trees. Live and let live is the message that nature gives us. We humans keep fighting all the time due to clash of interests. Every parent wants his ward to become an IT professional or a doctor. Engineering/medical coaching is highly priced and a child has to sit for several entrance exams before being accepted by a good college. He dare not tell his parents that he wishes to pursue a career in Arts or would prefer to learn music. It is easy for me to criticize young parents with my own children well settled and comfortably placed in life. I am equally guilty never having asked my children what they would actually prefer. I kind of took it for granted that their interests were the same as mine. But with IT jobs being affected due to global melt down I can see what our misplaced ambition is doing to a whole generation of software engineers. Apart from having deprived society of good teachers and educationists we may be soon dealing with unemployed youth venting their frustration on us in one form or another. Why don’t we choose different niches and put all available resources to good use?

Weeds interest me too. The gaps between boulders placed as dividers often have weeds growing in them. The town planners keep removing them. You have them in parks and gardens. Research says that weeds hamper the growth of crop plants and need to be eliminated from time to time. I consider anti social elements in society to be like weeds. They will interfere with the healthy development of a society and need to be eliminated from time to time. They cannot be permitted to strike roots. A constant check and balance system ought to be in place. Life forms are amazing. A virus is a chemical entity unless it is hosted by a living cell. Once within the cell it takes over the metabolic activity of the cell and often becomes cancerous. How much more havoc a polluted mind can cause is anybody’s guess. But then we have lichens too. They can break down rocks by secreting chemicals. So also a thinking mind can work on hard core fundamentalists and mellow them to our favor. One has only to try. There is no time like the present one. The Kashmir election and public reaction after the Bombay blasts are indicative of a certain amount of maturity in thinking and the time is ripe to fight terrorism.

I think that is enough Biology in one sitting. I was going to harp on the root system of vegetation and link it with societal values but will leave it for a later post. Just one last word –

If a tree thought its that leaves were important because they trap sunlight energy to convert it to food for the entire world and consumers of different levels were unimportant or if consumers of different levels felt that they could fell down trees since they could not voice their protest I would say that both were wrong. Natural resources have to be recycled and renewed. Entire forests have vanished not due to felling of trees but due to overgrowth leading to unhealthy competition among them. And floods caused by the absence of vegetation to check water flow have washed away civilizations. Adaptation to the environment is the key to success whether we talk of plants animals or human beings.

Happy New Year once again!

Childhood and what it stands for.

Long long ago my daughter resorted to bed wetting even at the age of three and in order that she may not feel upset my husband said ‘It wasn’t you my child, I did it. It was me.’ So it was customary for her to wet the bed and call out to me and say ‘Appa has done it again!’. I’d pretend to get angry and she’d say ‘Never mind appa, don’t do it again.’ I’ve forgotten how she got over the habit but I remember she got over it before going to a regular school.

Years rolled by and grandchildren came along. We’d take our grand daughter Megha for evening walks. We’d invariably ask her to use the rest room at home before we left home and once again before she finished playing and it was time for us to return. She has the habit of waiting till the last moment and announcing at the most inappropriate moments that she wants to do ‘pee-pee’. The few minutes she needed to go to the rest room would not be sufficient and she would wet her pants. Or we’d be returning home and just when we’d be reaching for the door, damage would be done. Her dad being rather strict would scold her for not being careful.

Brat that she happens to be, she resorted to another trick. She’d suddenly want to be carried on my back. ‘piggy ride amma please!’, and I’d give in. It was not that I did not understand. I felt that a piggy ride would perhaps ease things out. But no, I’d suddenly fell something warm trickling down my kameez and the girl had done it yet again! To top it she’d tell me ‘please amma, tell papa that you did it!’. She’d further tease me saying that people on the road would think that I had wet my pants! Just like her aunt I’d think but would try to save her from her dad’s wrath. We’d both pray that her dad would not be in the basement and use the toilet there to wash up and rush upstairs for a change of clothes! And did I notice a suppressed smile on my husband’s face or was it my imagination? Those were time when I truly missed India where a child could be made to squat behind a bush to relieve herself.

I think one thing that has not changed is childhood. Children continue to remain children whether in America or India. At the park where we took Megha I regularly met other parents and grand parents. We were all from different countries and cultures but the children were the same. They played to their hearts content and had to be invariably dragged home.

‘Okay, I’m goin’ home’ I heard a Mexican lady say. “Remember to say hi to foxie when she comes out to play with you’.

I was reminded of the time when my mother/aunt would threaten to call poochandi. Another thing that hasn’t changed is the bond that children share. I have mentioned in an earlier post how my kids preferred punishment to being separated from their friends. They can fight verbally as well as physically. But try separating them and you are their common enemy. I hear that when my grand daughters (from two sets of parents) got to spend time together they were constantly quarreling for the same toy/book whatever. Priya gave her daughter Megha ‘time out’ and made her stand in a corner. Two year old Aarya went and stood by her side pulling a long face as if she was saying ‘So what if we quarrel. We are still friends’.
My only request to parents of little kids, particularly those in India is not to snatch childhood from their children. Let them run wild once in a way for ultimately they’re going to love you for it.

Proximity award

Thanks artnavy for awarding me. I was touched by its content/intent. You've been very kind to think of bestowing it to me.

This award is given to a blog that invests and believes in PROXIMITY - nearness in space, time and relationships! These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

I now pass on this award to

1.Tys on ice who is an all time favorite.

2.Venki who seems to have forgotten his 'nani'.

3.Joy who takes time out to read my sermons tho' she belongs to my daughter's generation!!

4.Hillg'mom for being a good friend.

5.ITW for being the charming mother of not one but two 'little delights'.

6.Rajani for her Jamshedpur connection which automatically makes me biased towards her.

7.Preethi who doesn't know how much I enjoy her posts that take me back to the time I was a young mother.

8.Prats for the same reason as Preethi.

A 'doctor' in the family....

I have some good news to share.Daughter no.2 has completed her Ph.D work and is ready to file for her degree. I had already confessed that I am a really stupid mother and I forgot to wish her before the D day,ie the day she defended her work. It was very comforting to know that her parents in law called her up to wish her. Sorry my child, I remembered you the day before and forgot about it right when it mattered.I am sure it wasn't easy. During her stint in Graduate school, she had two children and how she managed home and college is beyond my understanding. Hat's off to her and her husband who made it possible.

I go back in time to the days when my children were school going kids. I had always noticed that my 1st daughter Priya and son Rahul were easily distracted and were not putting in their best but my second daughter Prasanna was very focussed and worked hard. So even if her hard work did not translate into marks I'd let her off but would scold the other two for being careless and threaten to send them to a 'dabba' school in our neighborhood if they did not improve. This somehow bothered Prasanna who felt hurt at not being scolded.

'Does it mean that mummy does not expect me to do well?' she's supposed to have thought and that motivated her to work harder. The hard work she put in and perseverance that she showed had perhaps become a habit and helped her achieve her goal. Having done my Ph. D. I can understand how frustrating and difficult it can get when week after week goes by and one has no results to show. I often wondered why research in any subject results in a doctorate in Philosophy. I now understand. The experience is such that one learns to take the good, bad and ugly experiences with a smile and a philosophical attitude automatically sets in. In my case the Ranchi University added to my problems in its own way and made me a true follower of the Bhagawad geeta. 'Do your duty without worrying about results'..smile.....beam.....Never crib and complain!

Be it as it may, my daughter is planning a trip to India before starting some post doctoral work and we are looking forward to some quality time with her. She truly deserves to get away from her lab and research work and freak out as her own generation would say.

Heartfelt.......

With everyone having condemned the terrorist attack in Mumbai and a whole nation united in grief there is nothing much I can add. The days when we did not have TV was perhaps better. Riots in 1979 brought life in our Steel city to a stand still. There were reports of a bus load of Muslim women being burnt alive and we did feel helpless. There were rumors of the minority community retaliating. But the visual media had not made its way into our drawing rooms and the papparazi style hounding for by news channels following the Mumbai blasts was thankfully missing. Reading newspaper reports or listening to news on radio is certainly not the same as watching it over and over again in every news channel.

I agree that sensible reporting helps us get news updates. But I am not sure if this is done anymore. I recount a conversation we had in college-

A: ‘The muslim community has refused to let the dead terrorists be interred in India. They will have nothing to do with them. Islam does not endorse bloodshed.’

B: ‘Do you believe them? I don’t.’

C: ‘Why not? Everyone from a particular community cannot be labeled a terrorist. It was a muslim tea supplier who led the NSG commandos to the different areas of Nariman House.’

B: ‘Whatever you say. My mind refuses to trust them.’

A: ‘What about the Hindu fanatics who burnt an evangelist and his two sons in Orissa? Would you want to trust them?

C: ‘Fanatics and fundamentalists have perverted minds and belong to a class of their own irrespective of their religious affiliation. Their acts can never be justified.’

I was glad that very few supported B. But then it is a handful of fanatics and fundamentalists that take on the world threatening to destroy it.

I have given an account of what a frenzied mob can do to an innocent boy in an earlier post. I was witness to the incident and I still feel guilty for not being able to do anything to help.

Are we being fair? Is the over enthusiastic news reporting doing more harm than good?

Again consider the question of Pakistan’s involvement in training terrorists. It is evident that the government there is not able to handle the issue with an iron hand. But could an attack of this level be planned and executed without help from our own people? Traitors from our own country who can do anything for money? Should not our own government have a system in place to identify and punish them? For all we know a good number of them may be holding key posts in government offices or may be spoilt brats of the rich and mighty. Why do we blame the executors of terrorist acts? The masterminds direct them from the safety of their offices thousands of miles away. Why don’t they send their own children as suicide bombers for a change? And would these politicians who claim that such incidents keep happening all the time in big cities or that they were ‘mantris’ not ‘santris’ (sentries) say the same thing if their kith and kin were victims? Who doesn’t remember the Khandhar incident when a dreaded terrorist was released in exchange for a minister’s daughter?

My mind is confused. I try to think of solutions. None come to my mind. No one is born a terrorist. What makes him one? How far is religious fanaticism responsible for the situation? Would it help if Imams, Shankaracharyas and other religious leaders come forward with messages of religious tolerance and universal brotherhood? We cannot let this continue. Let us all ponder over all possible solutions to save the world and ourselves.

Gup shap - 4

I once overheard a mother telling a friend that her son had agreed to marry a girl of his parent’s choice but would settle for nothing but the best.

“And why not?” she beamed. “He is qualified, good looking and has no commitments. He’d be an ideal partner for any girl.

I intervened and asked what she meant by ‘best’. Was it possible for anyone to be the best in everything.

The lady gave me a look that said it all.

‘You have neither looks nor status. How would you know?’

The other lady was less opinionated.

“One cannot have the best of everything. Marriage involves a lot of give and take.”

“I don’t need to take anything from anyone.” Said the first lady. “I have enough to give and more to spare.

I burst out laughing. The term ‘give and take’ was certainly not literal. A well qualified daughter in law with a good job may also say –

“I have enough to give and more to spare. I don’t need to take anything from anyone.”

At the time of my own marriage a family friend had something different to say when he left for Madras after the function.

“Life is going to be different from now.” He said. “You will be taking on new responsibilities. Your mother in law may be the best person. But she can never be your mother. Never compare the two.( I have mentioned something to this effect in this post of mine). Learn to accept and love her for the person she happens to be. Follow your instincts and adapt according to the situation. You have inherited great qualities from your parents. It is up to you to make them proud.”

In the initial years of my marriage I lost count of the number of times I remembered his words of wisdom. I do remember that they gave me a lot of strength to my troubled mind. It was as if my dead father was advising me.

I don’t mean to say that it is the whole and sole responsibility of the DIL to adjust. Her acquired family should also be willing to compromise. The mother in law may want to listen to bhajans while attending to her morning chores. The DIL may want pin drop silence to practice yoga and meditation. The husband may be an early bird and the wife a night person. Compromises have to be made and they cannot be one sided.

I was surprised that an acquaintance of mine rejected proposal after proposal because they did not measure up to her expectation. Her mother once approached me for details about a colleague of mine. This man had started as a Lab Attendant, improved his qualifications and had become a Lab in charge. He was an asset to the college and was in great demand whenever there was a mechanical/electrical problem. I foresaw a fairly good future for the couple and suggested that his parents be approached. The girl was visibly upset.

“Would you consider him for your own daughter?” she asked.

Her question baffled me. It really did. My daughter was in Standard III at the time and I hadn’t given it a thought. While I agree that I would have looked for a better placed match for my daughter, I certainly would not have insisted that she should have no commitments towards her husband’s family or that her in laws should not spend more than a fortnight with her when they visited her. These were reasons for her rejection of other proposals. Ultimately, the girl did not marry but my colleague married a nice girl from his native place and his son is now doing his engineering.

What then is meant by ‘give and take’ in a marriage?

Give your time and attention.

Give your love and affection.

Give your care and compassion.

Give your support be it physical, moral or financial.

In short give your best to make your relationship work

Take correction and remember that it will help you improve.

Take criticism in your stride and remember that no one is perfect.

Take on responsibilities. You will be an indispensable asset to everyone.

Accept life as it comes and deal the most adverse situations with a smile saying that ‘this too shall pass’.

Take some moments from your busy schedule and count your blessings.

All this applies not only to the relationship acquired by marriage. The rules are the same in any relationship. What then are we waiting for? Why not get started right now?

Gup shap-3

We had a marriage in the family and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. People from different corners of India got together and celebrated the occasion. I had almost forgotten that a cousin of mine could sing very well and he entertained us with melodies from the movies of the 60’s and 70’s. We spoke of the childhood that we spent together, the fights we had, the good times we shared and it appeared as if the 3 days we had together were just not enough. Two of my cousins spent two days with me and we left for Calcutta together. Coming back to an empty house brought tears to my eyes and I found myself wanting to return to my childhood days. I brooded over the days gone by and realized once again how lucky I was to have spent the formative years of my life in the company of such people.

Marriage is an occasion that brings the family together. A social gathering. People talk of doing away with elaborate rituals to save time. But each of these has a meaning. The simple act of two ladies welcoming the couple with an aarti for instance. It is usually done by including one each from the bride’s and groom’s side. This is a way of introducing one’s relatives to the other side. The maternal uncle and paternal aunt (Mama and Bua) feel puffed up and important.They are in great demand all the time! Each one plays a role and everyone feels included.

The marriage is over and people have already started looking forward to the next occasion. But more than the celebration, marriage means the coming together of two families. Very often it is the coming together of two cultures. It is an occasion for mutual respect. The girl enters her new home not really knowing what to expect. If she is received with love and affection there is every chance that she’d reciprocate in the same manner. The girl’s parents are equally anxious that their precious one is comfortable in the new set up. If initial hiccups are attended to, it may not be long before the two families bond well and become friends for life.

We have started living like isolated pockets of society. Let occasions such as these bring us together – so what if it happens only once in two years!

A welcome tag!

Tags are always welcome when one runs out of ideas and this one came right in time. Thank you Usha. I hope I’ve done justice to this one. Who ever thought that a talkative person like me would actually run out of ideas? (:-((

My oldest memory:
My maternal uncle’s wedding when I was about 5 years old. I played a lot in the sand and called my maami by her name and someone admonished me for it. Around that time my older brother was learning to ride a bicycle and met with an accident and my dad bandaged his forehead. I remember that my cousins from Bombay were visiting us then and we were staying in Coimbatore.

Ten years ago:
I was on a confrontation mode with the Principal of our college. At that time I’d be discussing our Principal or my son’s teen troubles with any one interested or disinterested.

My first thought this morning:
‘Four more days to go before my cousins arrive’.
I am really looking forward to their visit on their way to Kolkata. I am just counting days. These two are cousins who are like sisters to me this is their first visit to my place. Funny how sentimental one gets even after becoming a grandmother.

If you built a time capsule, what would it contain:
Some interesting books, a laptop to play computer games and CDs with carnatic music by M.S. Subbalakshmi, K.J.Yesudas and Balamuralikrishna.Also some old Tamil classics by Kalki and novels by Anutthama and Shivashankari.

This year:
Has been good except for my sister in law’s illness and my dear friend and colleague losing her husband. But then that is what life is all about. The optimist in me is glad that my sister in law is recovering and we welcomed two grandchildren to our lives. Career too has been satisfactory. I have actually reached the stage where one has to think of tax saving options after 26 years of service. I really thought that I’d never get to pay taxes and the 5th pay (due since 1996) would never get implemented. It hasn’t been implemented even now. But the government has been kind enough to grant some interim relief.

14 years from now:
I hope I am as loved and wanted by one and all as I am today. In other words I hope that I continue to make myself useful to society and remain as flexible as I am today. But who knows. In the process of ageing I may just turn out to be the ‘crazy old woman’ whom everyone avoids. I think I’ll read and re-read my posts and draw some inspiration from them.

I almost forgot. I'm supposed to tag people. Well I tag hillg'mom, Renu and Ugich to carry this tag forward.

Dowry demands.

We hear so much about dowry demands and how the girl's parents are humiliated at the time of weddings etc,etc. Well I for one feel that there have been good people and bad at all times. there have been grooms who choose to remain silent spectators while their parents make atrocious demands even today and others who have stood up for what they felt was right even some 100 years back.

I wish to share with you some such stories and leave it to you to judge.

My maternal grandfather got married at the age of 13. It was actually his upanayanam (sacred thread) ceremony and my grandmother had come as an invitee. she was around 12 years old and well past the marriageable age of girls at the time. Her mother being a widow approached my great grandfather to help her find a suitable match for her daughter.

"what about my son?" my grandpa's father asked.

The lady was overjoyed and they got married then and there.

But then came trouble. My greatgrandfather expected a decent amount of dowry and unless the demand was fulfilled the actual nuptial ceremony known as 'gauna' in Hindi would not be performed. My grand father stood up for his wife and argued with his father that when his mother in law did not have the means it was not fair to pressurize her. The father had to give in and my grandmother was brought home without the gifts and jewelry that were usually given at the time. My grandfather was perhaps in his late teens when this happened.

I compare this to another marriage ceremony I recently witnessed. At the tilak ceremony held 4 days prior to the wedding the groom's sister demanded that her brother be given 2 lacs in cash and a Santro car.The boy had no father and the girl's parents had been given to understand that since the girl was herself earning Rs.70K per month there would be no dowry demand. The boy's mother and brother kept mum and the boy sat there beaming as if it was some kind of joke that was being played. It took the girl's father sometime to realize the demand was being seriously made not in jest. negotiations began and finally the girl's brother agreed to pay 2 lacs immediately and buy the couple a car within a year. The car has now been 'gifted' to them.

In such cases I blame the boy more than his parents. A well placed groom should have the confidence to say NO to dowry. I hear of a girl who witnessed such a negotiation where her mother in law haggled over the dowry and was upset when her son was given a Maruti 800 (which is like giving a bicycle these days) and pressurized the girl's parents for an Esteem and finally settled for a Zen. The girl was naturally upset and refused to allow her husband to do anything for his family.

'My father has purchased you." she'd say. "your mother has been paid with cash and kind. Your salary now belongs to me". she has since relented but the scar remains.

The other aspect in these dealings is that women are easily blamed for these negotiations. In an otherwise male dominated society how come men hide behind their women when dowry demands are made? No boy agrees to marry a girl as per his mother's wish. He sets his own conditions. The girl must be educated, career minded, sociable and what not. There are many mothers who are insecure when the daughter in law walks in speaking convent english dressed in shorts and Tee shirt and can do nothing about it. The same boy will become an obedient son when she creates a ruckus at his wedding. Most of the problems created by the mother is due to insecurity. She feels that once the daughter in law comes her own importance in the household will take a beating. If only the husband says 'I am there for you, why do you worry about them' or if the son is able to impress upon his mother that he would still remain her son and his wife would be a daughter to her, she would feel more confident.

What about me? I can hear you asking the question. I have just one dowry demand. My DIL read my posts and appreciate them! I was joking. I want her to enjoy a warm relationship with me just the way i did with my own mother in law.

some lighter episode of marriages in my father and father in law's time later