On Remembering Faces..........

My husband and me are two very different people. He has the memory of en elephant when it comes to remembering faces and I take a longer time to register faces and may be once registered I try to remember them. There have been occasions when I've looked at a person and thought 'he/she looks a lot like 'so and so' only to find out that she/he is indeed the so and so I took him/her to be. If there are two similar looking people I have to see them together to make out who is who. So I was thrilled this morning when I met a person after nearly 15 years and in about 5 minutes after meeting her I actually remembered her as R's mother. Of course by then she had finished greeting me, enquiring after my children, wished me goodbye and gone ahead. Like a tube light her identity flashed in my mind only after she had gone some 50 metres ahead of me and I truly regretted at not having asked her about R. But then that's me.

That reminds me of another such situation. My husbands insists on a morning walk and will take no excuses from my side to give it a miss. during our walks we would often see a woman, in her late thirties perhaps, walk past us. My husband likes to boast on his ability to recognize faces even after a lapse of 50 years and relishes the fact that I cannot place a person whom I may have only slightly known. Take it from me that I am not that bad. Now coming back to this girl, I'd often see her looking at us and turning away.

"Do you recognize her?"-my husband.
"No, who is she" - me.
"SN's oldest daughter."

I then remembered. SN was a colleague of my husband who passed away leaving behind 4 children. His wife had preceded him. The oldest girl was married and the son in law was unemployed. The other three children were minors the youngest being just 6 years old. His only son was perhaps in the 9th or 10th standard. My husband's departmental colleagues took it upon themselves to support the family for the few months before his settlement dues could be cleared. Being children they did not realize that with the father no more and hardly any savings they could not make atrocious demands when others were paying for their upkeep. Finally when the question of the dead man's settlement came an uncle cropped up from nowhere and the unemployed son in law wanted to have a lion's share of the amount saying that he was their guardian. The director of my husband's department deputed him to take an appropriate decision after judging the merit of the situation. My husband can be very adamant when he feels upto it. He brushed aside the claims of the maternal uncle and the son in law and suggested that the provident fund and gratuity amount and other dues may be fixed with the company and the interest be given to the family till the youngest child turned 18. He was accused of foul play in connivance with vested interests in the department but he stuck to his decision. The maternal uncle and the son in law were terribly upset and threatened my husband of dire consequences. The children- all four of them came - home with their brother in law and expressed faith in him and requested my husband to sign the papers in his favor and when he refused the very girl who crossed us on the road had some very unpleasant things to say about my husband. I remembered getting upset and asking my husband to wash his hands off the whole thing. We then lost touch but the department stood by my husband's decision.

In a flash the whole story came to my mind and I wondered if the girl was still upset with us although 18 years had lapsed. We were soon to know the rest of the story.

On a Sunday morning the girl stopped us and asked if we remembered her. Having some time in hand my husband asked her how the family was doing.

"Not a day goes by when we do not think of you uncle" the girl said.

"My sisters finished college and are now married. The youngest one got married last year. My brother is now employed and plans to marry soon. My husband works as a pathologist and earns enough to support us. My son is in college and daughter in high school. Thanks to your intervention we were able to make do with the amount Tata Steel gave us as monthly interest and we had enough money left to get my sisters married. As for my uncles, they abandoned us when they learnt that no money was coming their way. Were it not for you, my uncles would have controlled our finances and left us paupers in no time. My husband was young and inexperienced as were the rest of us. We had said a lot of unpleasant things about you. My uncle had convinced us that you were out to swindle money and that at the end of it when my sister turned 18 we would get nothing. With time we realized what you had done was actually a favor. I was hesitant to talk to you after all that had happened. I could not restrain myself today. Our family is greatly obliged to you and we will remember you always."

We were speechless for sometime not knowing what to say. The girl then invited us to her house and we left after promising her that we would definitely do so in the near future.

A few days later my husband pointed to another man and said the he was the uncle who set the children against him. The uncle stayed in the neighborhood and had yet abandoned these children who had lost both parents within a span of three years. I just could not digest it.

"i think it was good he abandoned them"said my husband. "Had he been in touch he might have swindled the meagre amount these children got as interest."

And he was right. So what if he takes pride in being able to recognize faces!





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Happy Women's Day!!

My husband and me are two very different people. He has the memory of en elephant when it comes to remembering faces and I take a longer time to register faces and may be once registered I try to remember them. There have been occasions when I've looked at a person and thought 'he/she looks a lot like 'so and so' only to find out that she/he is indeed the so and so I took him/her to be. If there are two similar looking people I have to see them together to make out who is who. So I was thrilled this morning when I met a person after nearly 15 years and in about 5 minutes after meeting her I actually remembered her as R's mother. Of course by then she had finished greeting me, enquiring after my children, wished me goodbye and gone ahead. Like a tube light her identity flashed in my mind only after she had gone some 50 metres ahead of me and I truly regretted at not having asked her about R. But then that's me.

(To be continued later since I remember that I have something more interesting to share.)


We had a very good programme about 'Feminism in Oriya Short Stories' in our college and we were entertained to an inspirational as well as humorous lecture by Dr. Satya Priya Mahalik who has received several awards for his contribution to Oriya literature. I wish to share a story recounted by him.

A wise ruler of a small estate in Orissa lost a battle against a more powerful emperor and was taken captive. The emperor had given orders for beheading him the following day when he thought that man was going to die anyway so why not ask him a question that had been bothering him. If he answered the question the he would set him free and if he didn't then beheading him would be justified and no one would blame him. So he sent word for the captive king to be brought and asked him to explain how women could be made happy. The question naturally baffled the captive king who was himself unmarried and had not dealt with a wife. He then asked the emperor if there was a specific reason for asking him the question. The emperor replied that however hard he tried his queen was never satisfied or happy. So he was willing to set his captive free and return his kingdom if he came up with a satisfactory answer.

The captive king asked to be released on parole for a year during which time he would seek out people from different walks of life and try to get an answer to the question. He would return in a year's time and would gladly accept punishment if his solution was unacceptable to the queen.

The king saw no harm in granting the man a parole of one year because finding a means to please his queen was far more important.

The captive king travelled across the entire length and breadth of the country and met all kinds of people but none gave him a satisfactory answer. While some said gold and silver would please the queen others suggested that silks and chiffons of the best variety would do the job. While some felt that travelling to exotic destinations would brighten up her spirits others said a court jester could be hired to lighten her mood. But none of these solutions seemed good enough. Finally an old hag living all by hersl in a dense forest came up with a solution. But there was a condition attached.

"In case my solution appeals to the queen and you are set free, you will have to marry me."

Now our captive king was young and had his whole life before him. The thought of marrying this wrinkled old woman was not very attractive but the lease of life promised by the emperor was. He therefore agreed.

He went an conveyed the solution to the emperor. The emperor was impressed. But he had to confirm if the solution offered was acceptable to the queen.

" Oh my beloved queen" said the emperor. " would you be happy if I allowed you to use your wisdom discretion and decide things for yourself instead of trying to impose my will on you? In other words would independence to exercise your will make you happy?"

" Would you really let me do so?" the queen could not believe what she heard. " If you grant me the freedom to act independently and decide things for myself I'd be overjoyed and will give you no reason to complain."

The emperor was glad to have found a solution to his problem and set his captive free. But there was more trouble in store for the king since he had to marry the old hag as per his agreement with her. Being an upright and honest king he went back to the old hag and offered to marry her. His subjectes were upset by his choice but they had no option but to attend the wdding and pretend to be happy.

On the night of the wedding the king entered his nuptial chamber and found a beautiful young girl sitting on the bed. He was pleasantly surprised and asked her how this miracle had taken place. She replied that she had been granted a boon and could change forms twice a day. She could be an old hag or a young woman for 12 hours and get tranformed into the other form for the remaining 12 hours.

"Oh king!" she asked "tell me whether you want me to be a beautiful woman by night and an old hag during the day or if you would prefer to have it the other way around.'

The king was in a fix. Having a beautiful wife during the day would boost his public image but having to spend the night with an old hag would affect his married life. Then a solution flashed in his mind. Taking cue from the solution he offered the emperor the king said-

"My dear queen and my beloved wife, I leave it to you to use your intelligence wisdom and logic and decide for yourself what form you would wish to take and when. As for me, I am okay with both arrangements ."

The queen then decided to remain beautiful and charming right through the 24 hours of a day and our king was rewarded not only with a lease of life but a beautiful and intelligent wife to lead it with.

If only women of today are left to deal with life's situations in their own way we may not even have the need to celebrate a women's day to clamor for it. Mutual trust is all that is required.

Happy Women's Day to all of you.

A word about Dr. Satya Priya Mahalik. He is the 10th and youngest child in his family the other nine being his older sisters. He says that he has no hesitation in admitting that he helps his wife out in housework and takes pride in fact that he can do everything from cooking to cleaning. We need more husbands like you Dr. Mahalik!!

I began the post to say something else but ended up doing a woman's day post. The earlier part in italics has been deliberately left to be continued later.

On Spiritual Gurus and Swamijis.........

This post has been selected for BlogAdda's Spicy Saturday Picks. Thank you BlogAdda for the recognition.

Of late we have been tortured with non stop information about 3 godmen and their activities. TV channels never seem to have enough of sensational news and the hype they create. Sickening is the word and I truly long for the good old days when DD I was all we had and the remote was unheard of. As it is I watch very little TV with my husband monopolising TV time and deciding to switch channels every 2 minutes. Thank God for the computer and the fact that he doesn't come anywhere near it unless there is something particular that I want him to read/see like my grandchildren's photograph or a particularly good piece forwarded by my friends. But I digress. Let me come to the point.



We all seem to blame these Swamijis for whatever they are accused of doing. Like for instance we are outraged that Kalki Bhagavan charges 5 lakhs to bless a person or that Bhimananda was supplying girls to important people in and around Delhi. It was Premananda some years back and Nithyananda now. It is time we stopped blaming these godmen and tried to do some introspection. Like the corrupt bribe taking government officials these godmen flourish only due to public support. The person who offers to give Kalki Swamy 5 lakhs to be blessed by him certainly did not get that kind of money by fair means. He seeks the blessing of the swamy not for spiritual upliftment but for success in all his money grabbing endeavors. Correct me if I am wrong.


I wonder why most of these godmen get involved in sex scanadals? Take for instance Swami Nithyananda. Whether the video that was telecast happened to be authentic or morphed is not my question. However, this could not have been done without the support of insiders and it was probably done with the sole intention of extracting money from him. When the man did not yield, the video was put up for public viewing. If the intention was good there were umpteen other ways of bringing him to book other than whipping up public sentiments and increasing the viewership of the news channels. What was the government doing all this while when foreign money was being pumped into the Ashram? That money corrupts is common knowledge. But what are the measures taken to ensure proper channelizing of funds that are being thus collected? What is the purpose served by burning the Ashram and destroying property?



A few years back I was on my way to Chennai. The news of the head of the Kanchi mutt being arrested on murder charges was doing the rounds and I expressed my anguish at the turn of events to a co passenger. He spoke of another Ashram, no less popular, as being used for every conceivable illegal activity and being controlled by the so called devotees who pump in money and therefore have a say in how it should be run. According to him, the very purpose of running an ashram for spiritual upliftment of the masses had taken a beating.



It took several years of penance and meditation for our sages to come up with what we now sum up as Hindu philosophy. They led a restricted life and shunned wordly pleasures. There can be no short cuts to success. Yet we see ashrams coming up over night and each one seems more opulent than the other. Westerners are influenced enough to participate in programmes conducted by them. But not all of those insiders who witness the accumalation of easy money are saints. Some have devious minds and want their pound of flesh so to say. I do not emphasize or overrule the possibility of these godmen - I don't mean anyone in particular - being tempted to lead double lives. They are after all human. My only suggestion is for them to restrict the flow of money and to be as transparent as possible in their dealings. Excessive flow of money causes trouble in ways unforseeable. 'Hasty climbers are soon to fall' claims a popular adage. I feel inclined to believe it when I see the rise and fall of such self proclaimed gurus.



Finally, I do not understand why a person needs to look for god in their fellow human beings and seek enlightenment through them. We all have our own inner voice directing us towards appropriate behavior and should that not suffice? In our own way we too are responsible for propping up these swamijis. Suranga speaks of the joy of giving in her latest post. I agree with every word that she says. One can give food for the hungry and clothes for the needy in a quiet, unassuming way and feel uplifted. One can spend a quiet afternoon in an old age home or orphanage and feel enlightened. Were it not for public support it would never be possible for self styled gurus and swamijis to flourish. It is time we seriously thought of channelizing our time, money and energy for the upliftment of society. Upliftment of the soul will automatically follow.


One last word - this post is not aimed at anyone in particular. Just my anguish over the kind of message we give the world that looks upto India for spiritual guidance and leadership. I do not want my country to be made a laughing stock by sensationalizing such negativities instead of dealing with them in a firm and objective manner. That's all.

Awarded!!

Usha has been kind enough to bestow the kreativ blogger award to me. I am overwhelmed Usha. My rants and rambling monologues are considered kreativ?? Should they be? Well, I suppose so since it is Usha who is saying it. Thank you Usha for the award.

Now the difficult part of sharing seven little known facts about me……….

Difficult because my blog is more of an autobiography and I’ve already shared much of what I feel or do in my posts. So I have to come out with seven secrets that were till now safely stored in my mind.

As a child I loved reading books and it did not matter whether I begged, borrowed or stole them. I remember borrowing a book from a lending library close to a friend’s house and misplacing it. The man charged an anna per day for it and my bill was literally increasing by the day. The friend would pester me in school and I’d promise to get it the next day. I’d conveniently ‘forget’ to get the book the following day. This went on for a week and the friend’s mother landed at our place since the librarian had approached her. My mother had actually put it away while cleaning the house so she returned the book and paid the money. In our days this was a very serious offence and I was properly admonished for borrowing the book without her permission and not telling her about it right away. These days children easily ask for huge amounts as spending money and parents don’t even keep track of where the money is spent. It was not so when I was growing up. Every penny spent had to be accounted for.

I must be the only person who literally cried to leave the boarding school – no, not after my school finals but while returning home for my vacations. It is quite another thing that I would also cry to leave home once vacations were over. On the last day of my hostel life in Tiruchy, six of us close friends spent the night together and wept our hearts out knowing that we would perhaps never meet again. I met only one of them 2 years after I passed out but I really value their friendship till date. We had a great time together.

My results speak of an intelligent mind. But I know better. I always had someone very sincere to study with. This person would not be a very close friend of mine but as in the case of Angammal during my undergrad course, would take it upon themselves to wake me up in the morning or set targets to complete and practically force me to study. During my M.Sc. it was Poonam and the prodding of my husband helped me complete Ph.D apart from the encouragement he gave me during my Masters. So I should be actually giving a good percentage of my marks to them. In fact Angammal’s wake up call on her way to the bathroom at 4;45 IN THE MORNING had benefited our entire block in the hostel and during my combined study sessions at Poonam’s place I was treated to delicious Gujrathi food every afternoon for 7 to 8 months. Thank you Angammal and Poonam I’ll remember you always. I have so much to thank my husband for that he may get puffed up and burst. So I’d rather not tell him anything.

An interesting incident should be enough to explain how much I was pampered by my in laws. We were traveling to Chennai in 1981. The children were young and the journey was long. My father in law who was also traveling with us was helping me manage the children. A fellow passenger pointed out my FIL to my husband who was filling water at Vizag station and said –“Your father in law wants you to get some biscuits for the children. My husband had a tough time convincing him that he was the son and I was the daughter in law. I must be the only daughter in law whose mother in law would encourage her to stand up for her rights as the lady of the house. Thank you amma! I’ll always remember your support during the initial years of my life in Jamshedpur.

I really don’t know how I managed to cook for the family and reach my workplace at seven in the morning by public transport during the early days of my career because I am generally accused of being slow. Those days I did not have a mixer, grinder or a refrigerator. The children were young and the oldest among them had not yet turned 7. If as a slow coach I could achieve so much what would I have done had I been super fast! And my husband may make coffee now. During those days he could not help with cooking or dicing vegetables unlike his younger brother who would pitch in when there were visitors or it was getting late for my co – sister to leave home.

I haven’t yet learnt to say “No” and end up offering my time and energy, sometimes money too to totally undeserving people. My husband likes to blame me though he is no better. My argument is that ‘just on account of a few why punish the majority who are genuine’. I really cannot do much about this. I am like that only.

Finally, I’d give anything up to gain a few inches of height. I am in total admiration of tall people. Again I’d do anything to shed a few pounds. There has been a slow but steady increase in my weight. I was 39 kilos at the time of my marriage and am now 62/63. Why my body hoards food I cannot understand. And to top it I walk at least 5 kilometers on most mornings.

Well, these are seven things about me not very interesting or special but they are part of my nature and will probably remain so. Now to tag seven others and award them as kreativ bloggers………… and here I go!

Vishesh: you wouldn’t believe that a teenager could write such deep felt poetry. I haven’t read him for a while now. But they are a treat whenever I do.

Tys on ice: where has he vanished? He makes you think and laugh at the same time.

Preethi’s chronicle: first time I am tagging her. But her account of little V makes an interesting read.

Smitha: Her entry for the IWD contest is really worth reading. Her Jamshedpur connection makes me biased in her favor.

Smi: She has the courage to offer to adopt me for a mother in law. She may not have read this post of mine!

Gauri: of tiny tid bits. Her abhayisms make one remember the times when my own children were young. Writes very well.

Renu: whose anubhooti discusses every relevant aspect of life.

Abusive relationships (Contd.)

In my previous post I had asked “What makes a woman put up with an abusive relationship? Is it love alone or is there a fear factor involved? Is divorce a solution?”

I think not. Not unless a strong will to confront the abuser is involved as the following example illustrates.

If J married a man of her choice, G had an arranged marriage. Her husband was a bank manager and they were married after their horoscopes were duly matched and declared very compatible. G was a small town girl and in awe of life in a metro when she accompanied her husband to New Delhi. Three months after her marriage her mother came to Delhi to invite the couple to come over to Ajmer to celebrate the first Deepavali after marriage. She saw the girl cooking in aluminum vessels and was surprised to hear that her husband had rented a bank locker to put away all the steel ware and other costly items given to her at the time of her marriage. The mother being worldly wise and experienced realized that the girl was being taken for a ride and began investigating her son in law’s credentials. The truth was bitter. The son in law was victim to every bad habit one could think of and had sold off not only her jewelry and silver ware but also her costly saris and steel ware. He was heavily into debt and drew only a fourth of his salary. When negotiations with his family failed, the mother insisted on a divorce and the court granted it within a year. The family moved to interior Tamilnadu.

As luck would have it G’s mother died in an accident soon after the divorce came through. Her father was a mild mannered person who had let his wife handle things. G’s husband took advantage of the situation and began to pester them again. He would visit them from time to time and ask for money. He had been dismissed from his bank job and found sadistic pleasure in torturing G and her father. He would buy stuff from the local store on credit and the shop owner would come to their doorstep to ask for money. He would pop up from nowhere when she went out and snatch her purse and take out whatever money she had managed to earn by coaching school children. The father could take it no more and died soon after. Her younger brother, who had faced the loss of both parents even before he finished college, took up a job and soon married a colleague and G had absolutely no one to turn to. Someone suggested that the local church needed someone to sweep and swab the place and would give the person food and shelter in the convent as well as a nominal remuneration. Would she be interested in working for them? She felt that it was the best option available and agreed to work there although the church insisted on conversion. Religion had no relevance to a woman in her position and anyone who could shelter her from the abusive husband was Almighty personified as far as she was concerned. Relatives and their so-called well wishers criticize G but do they have a right to do so? What kind of protection does a woman like her have under the circumstances? She is a distant relative of mine. I had suggested that she come over to Jamshedpur. Our town, being far from her native place in Tamilnadu, would perhaps be beyond the reach of her husband. She was good at sewing ladies and children’s garments and I could get orders for her from my college. She could stay at our place for the first few months and move out later once she established herself. Her sister and aunt vetoed the idea saying that it was too far away from their place and should she face any problem it would be difficult for them to attend to her. However, I am glad she found a safe haven in a convent. This was perhaps the best solution.

Take the case of Sa whose marriage to her colleague KS came as a surprise to anyone who knew the two of them. She was a convent educated, brilliant girl from an affluent background with a promising future and had taken up a job in a primary school just to keep herself occupied. She was preparing for competitive exams and hoped to make it to the administrative service or a nationalized bank. KS, on the other hand was an average student from a middle class background and would be happy to see his temporary job in the school regularized. That theirs was a mismatch was evident to all but the couple concerned. Sa’s parents were merely informed that they were getting married in court and they could act as witnesses to the marriage if they so wished. Unable to let down their daughter, they followed her to court and later to their house with a whole lot of household goods and stuff. With time they became fond of their son in law and he reciprocated in good measure. Sa got a job in a reputed bank and left her job in the school. Soon a crack in the seemingly good relationship between them began to show. The couple had a son who was growing very fond of his father. Sa then decided that she would divorce KS before further damage was done and their son began to miss his father. The world blamed Sa and declared her head strong and willful. Her parent’s plea fell on deaf ears. She had decided to divorce her husband of 5 years and that was the end to the story of their marriage. No questions were asked or answered. One later heard different versions of their failed marriage but nothing was confirmed or denied. But today we know that KS was into drugs and alcohol and also had a weakness for women and it was only fair that Sa withdrew herself from his life keeping her son’s future in mind. If she had gotten into a messy relationship she was smart enough to come out of it. She was certainly not going to let the world decide for her. I do not know for sure if their relationship was an abusive one. I, for one felt that Sa had perhaps pre-empted an unsavory situation before much damage was done.

I stand by my claim that an abusive relationship cannot be addressed by anyone except the concerned persons and that too not unless one wants to. It requires a lot if inner strength to stand up against an abusive partner. Divorce too cannot offer protection as G’s case indicates nor can relatives or friends - much as they may want to. It is for the person concerned to decide what the best option would be under the given circumstances.

Abusive relationships.

I've been tagged by Suranga to participate in the International women's day contest held by Indus Ladies.
Please click on the graphic on the left for details.

The following is my entry under the category:"Relationship Issues". Happy reading.


Abusive relationships


Any relationship is difficult to define but an abusive one between a man and woman has baffled those who view it from outside. What is it that allows a woman to remain in an abusive relationship is difficult to explain let alone justify.

J was the first born to affluent parents. Her father was a practicing lawyer and her mother was a home - maker. As a child she was a little charm and everyone would want to carry her around. She studied in a reputed school in town and though not a bright spark she was not a dull head either. She was an average student who managed to pass in all subjects. She was however inclined towards cultural activities and regularly participated in music contests and the like. Seeing her interest in learning formal music her parents engaged a tutor to teach her Hindustani classical music. It was then that trouble began.

To cut a long story short she eloped with her music teacher when she was barely 16 only to realize that he was not the prince charming that she took him to be. He was addicted to alcohol and barely earned enough to make ends meet. She was around 18 years of age when her daughter was born and things became worse. Being regularly beaten up for money from her parents she would have no option but to approach them just to save herself. Her parents urged her to leave him and come home with her daughter and to pursue her studies. She initially resisted the idea of leaving her husband but finally relented. She was enrolled in a local college which though not the best was close to her home. She had by now lost her self - confidence as well as self esteem and was a mere shadow of her former self. She however managed to pass the first and second year of her degree course when her husband came begging for forgiveness. He pleaded with her, claimed that he loved her dearly and would commit suicide if she did not agree to accompany him to their house. He promised to look after her and their daughter. Her parents said that she was free to go with him if she wanted to but not before finishing college and obtaining a degree. There was a tussle between her head and heart and the latter won. She went away with him a second time without wishing her parents goodbye.

The beatings and abuse that had earlier become part of her life resumed and the husband had now become a drug abuser as well. He actually needed money to buy drugs and what better way to obtain it than to beat up his wife and sending her crawling to her parents for it! This time around he had acquired a mistress who added fuel to the fire by regularly complaining about her to the husband who in his drunken stupor would beat her up with even more vehemence. She had no option but to approach her parents once again who were wise enough to insist on a divorce as conditional to her being allowed to return to them. The girl is back and after a break of three years plans to finish college and take up a job. However, the possibility of her ex husband influencing her and luring her back cannot be ruled out.

What makes a woman put up with an abusive relationship? Is it love alone or is there a fear factor involved? Is divorce a solution?

Education and financial independence can address the problem to some extent but the real solution comes from within. One cannot compromise on one’s dignity and self respect. Loving a person immensely is fine but allowing him/her to take advantage of the situation and abuse one is quite another matter. The line between compromise and adjustment is thin but it is there all the same. One just needs to identify it.

I tag Usha, Eve's lung and apu and invite them to participate in the IWD contest.

Intuitions and premonitions

Do you believe in premonitions? I think I do. I had mentioned about Dr. N.K. Singh, the founder of our college, in an earlier post. This year he wanted to celebrate Saraswati Pooja on Basant Panchami day in the premises of his school for the first time since he took charge. He invited practically everyone he knew as well as those who had contributed to the school in any way. He personally invited a good number of his former colleagues and associates. I was also an invitee. We were treated to a delicious ‘Khichri bhog’ and entertained to a music competition by his students. The teachers and other staff members were like a close knit family and I was reminded of the times when we’d have a similar get together in our college premises. That was long back when our founder principal was alive and the same family spirit prevailed in our college too. ‘Sir’ as we fondly call Dr. N.K. Singh was not in excellent health since he was recuperating after some health setbacks but he was in excellent spirits. We met him personally to enquire after his health and he in turn made fond enquiries about our well - being. He particularly remembered the dal prepared by my colleague’s mother who had treated him to excellent home food long back when her husband was alive and he was a frequent visitor to their place.

“No one prepares dal quite they way you do. It simply does not taste the same.” He said.

“No problem” said the lady. “You can come over anytime. I’ll have it ready for you”.

“I’ll definitely come over once the weather gets warmer” he said.

Those present wanted to know what was so special about the dal she prepared. He replied that he really did not know but it had neither spices nor flavoring agents but tasted very good. There was magic in her hands. Someone joked that in that case we all would like to taste her preparation!

Somehow all this kind of disturbed me. On my way back I remarked that it appeared as if Dr. N. K. Singh wanted to meet his old friends and other well wishers in person and used the Saraswati puja get together as an excuse. I wondered aloud if he had some pre monition about his not being well enough to celebrate another Saraswati puja.

Fifteen days later he passed away. His body was brought to our college and we gathered to give him a tearful farewell. We feel orphaned. But that is not my point. I wonder if he understood that his days were numbered or was it just chance that we got together on Saraswati puja day?

Mrs. Sinha was our neighbor for more than 13 years and was very fond of my children. She had a soft corner for my son and would take him to her house from the time he was a month old. He grew up calling her husband uncle papaji. She’d look after him when I went to work and he hadn’t started regular school. They shifted to another part of the town and Rahul soon forgot them but she hadn’t. She would enquire after him whenever we met and when he visited her after finishing college she hardly recognized him. To her, he was the small boy in his pre – teens whose toys she would store in her almirah when other children bullied him or the little boy who would cuddle by her side on hot summer afternoons to listen to a story. She would be fiercely possessive about his belongings and regularly complain to me about how innocent he was and how other boys took advantage of his generosity.

In the early February of 2006 she died. We had returned to Jamshedpur on the very day after spending a week at Ooty and Coonoor. Rahul had come to India he had arranged for the trip to celebrate my birthday. I had studied in Coonoor and we visited my old school. It was as if she waited for Rahul to arrive before breathing her last. Mr. Sinha remarked that she loved him like a son and had perhaps beckoned him to stand alongside her son at the cremation. She had earlier expressed her desire to accompany us on our trip when she heard that Rahul was landing at Chennai and we planned to leave for Ooty from there. It was only due to her indifferent health condition that I was reluctant to take her along.

The logical side of my brain tells me that these were chance incidences. But could both be just co – incidences? They say that all of us emit vibes and one feels connected due to them. The sixth sense sometimes works overtime we have an intuition of things to come. My sister recalls how she felt the urge to enquire after my ailing mother and rang up at around 10 at night. My mother had gone to bed but on hearing that it was my sister who was calling, she got up and spoke to her. She died in her sleep that very night.

There is a lot about brain chemistry that we do not know. However, it is not unusual for one to feel connected to or repelled by a complete stranger. An organization called ‘vazhga valamudan’ advises people to send positive vibes to all known and unknown people. They finally ask us to wish our enemies, if we have any, well. The idea behind is that positive feelings and good will to all is beneficial not only to the person who receives it. It does wonders to the person who sends it. I always wish that a person who is hell bent on making life miserable for me should become the president of USA or prime minister of India. They should reach dizzy height and never look down so that I may lead a peaceful life.

“Vazhga Valamudan”! This can roughly be translated as “May you prosper”. I say this to one and all of you!

On Parenting............

There are times when I feel glad that my role as a parent has taken a back seat and I no longer have to worry about my children’s education or career. I’ve done my bit and can afford to play computer games while listening to carnatic music. Parenting rules seem to have changed drastically and what applies to one set of parents need not work in the case of others. Was it so earlier, I wonder? The Hindustan Times devoted a full page on parenting techniques and has my head reeling. Are my daughters who are currently raising kids having it tough or is this the scenario in Asian countries I wonder. Somehow the pressure in India seems endemic and self-imposed.

When I was growing up our mothers were there to see to it that we sat with our books for an hour or two before dinner and once dinner was ready we packed up and no one bothered if our home - work was half done or undone. Teaching us was the teacher’s job and they really put their heart and soul into it and drilled and filled our minds with the basics of each subject so much so even the average and below average students had a fair grasp of the subject. The school did not interview parents or bothered if the parents were qualified enough to teach their children. Teachers praised or punished the children according to their performance and it was usually taken as part of school life.

These day teachers are scared to say anything to an errant student. For all you know the child may run away or jump into the nearest water body and the teacher would be blamed. Are parents in a better position? I am afraid not. They fall flat at the child’s feet and give in to every whim. The explanation is that their parents lacked the means and could not afford to indulge them. But by God’s grace they are better placed and of what use was money if the child’s demands could not be fulfilled? The child grows up believing that he/she has a right to make atrocious demands and cannot take ‘no’ for an answer. Psychologists say that suicide rates among teenagers are on the rise. Like teachers, parents too are scared to impose rules on their children. The slightest rebuke or an occasional corrective measure cannot be handled by children and they feel depressed over issues that those of my generation would have ignored or accepted as idiosyncrasies of the previous generation. We would have had mimicry sessions and laughed our lungs out in private but certainly did not contemplate drastic measures like running away from home or committing suicide. We faced stiff competition even at home and grew up to be a tough lot.

Having said this do I have any solutions to offer? I do.

Parents should be able to draw a line and not try to fulfill every demand of the child even if they have the means. This leads to unhealthy competition in society that is detrimental to its progress.

Every household should have certain rules that have to be obeyed however distasteful it may be to growing children. They may sulk and pout but will understand in the long run.

Parents and teachers should interact and communicate regularly since both have a role in shaping a child’s life. Their role should be complementary and positive.

Children should be allowed to grow at their own pace and to indulge in hobbies of their own interest and choice. Appreciation of the child’s sincere effort even if it does not translate into top ranking levels would go a long way in boosting a child’s confidence.

However much one loves his/her child it should be made clear to the child that there can be no compromise on responsible behavior and basic etiquette. Regular and open communication helps and the child should be allowed to give his/her side of the story in case of unacceptable behavior.

Lastly, the child should be made to understand that there are several other children who are less privileged but they do not give up easily. Rather they work harder to reach the goal that those better off achieve easily. When I say less privileged I mean financial, physical as well as mental setbacks.

However, as I mentioned in my last post, each situation is unique and every parent/child equation different. Becoming a parent is easy but being one is not. You may ask if I practised what I now preach. I had it easy because I lacked the means. It is tough on the current generation of parents who have to make hard decisions. Good luck to each one of you and God bless your families.

A victim Of Repetitive disorder - that's me!!

Those of you who feel that I tend to be repetitive remember that I AM AGEING!!

I keep worrying about the kind of mother in law I’d make. Oh, yes I am already mother in law to two fine young men but mother in lawing a daughter in law would be different or so I am led to believe. Long back my mother’s friend told her in my presence that it was easy to deal with a son in law. The retired husband could be at his service, talk about politics and other such stuff while all one needed to do was to supply regular doses of coffee speak of a few sentences from behind the curtain and depute the daughter to take care of things. She of course talks of the 1960’s scenario. Things have changed now to the extent that we MILs do not address the sons in law from behind curtains and doors but we still cannot take things for granted the way one can with a daughter in law.

‘Really??’ I can almost hear my daughter number one ask. ‘High hopes mummy!’

I suppose the ‘Tu, tu, main, main’ of Sachin’s brilliant tele - serial is meant to be laughed off and forgotten. I loved the serial and adored the MIL – DIL duo. I truly wish to have a DIL like her to make life spicy. I promise to add more spice to it. Okay, okay I’ll try to do my best. So here are some of my specifications-

My daughter in law should be a third daughter to me. She has my permission to gang up with my daughters to pull my legs and tease me to death if she wants to. I wouldn’t be able to deal with too much politeness and formality. I am just not used to it.

She can feel free to cook any kind of exotic dishes as long as they are vegetarian. I am game to all forms of trial and error being tried out in my kitchen. My own mother in law was an excellent house - keeper and cook. I learnt a lot from her and now I plan to learn more from my daughter in law too. So dear unknown daughter in law - simply go ahead you have my support!

I’d love it if my DIL loved books. We could have lively discussions on the plot and characters. And hopefully she’d be sensitive to social issues. I have a group of friends who are just that.

I would feel very uncomfortable if I got a decked up doll for a daughter in law. The kind that keep worrying about make up and matching accessories. She’d be equally disappointed with my casual dress sense. We may end up complaining to our respective husbands who would not know how to deal with the situation and support the wrong person. I can bet on the fact that my husband would do just that and it is quite possible that my son would take after him. It was a mutual agreement with my own MIL that we’d pull out each other’s hair if need be, but never involve our husbands.

But wait; are not these liberties the priority of a daughter? So I suppose that I am actually looking out for a daughter in my daughter in law and hope that she tries to see her mother in me.

Okay that was meant to be funny. A look around me tells a different tale. I see quite a few daughters in law who has become part of the family they married into and the affection they shower on their parents in law is often extended to me. Not all of them are part of a joint family but I can see that a bond has been struck and the comfort level in the relationship is good. Money, or the lack of it, hardly seems to matter. In fact I have often seen that a certain amount of interdependence actually helps people bond.

There are other families where the daughter in law has been married for 30 years but is yet to consider her mother in law an important member of the family. A lady I know is financially sound and in reasonably good health. She is well read and at the age of 80 she passes her time reading the day’s newspaper and solving cross - word puzzles. She is mild mannered and cannot harm a fly let alone other fellow human beings. Her only fault is perhaps the fact that she is far too self respecting and insists on paying a fixed amount every month for her upkeep. She feels that since she is in a position to pay she would not want to burden her children. Is it any wonder that she is treated like a tenant in their homes? Not wanting to burden the children is fine but I do feel that one does not have to carry it too far. One can always camouflage the amount as a gift on a special occasion or a surprise holiday package for the son and his family or some such thing. My own parent in law had exhausted their financial resources even before I entered the scene. But it was clear from day one that they headed the family and we were expected to take over. Even before I realized it I became one among them and once I started working my father in law’s presence in the house was actually a boon. He took care of practically everything including the children’s homework and the launderer’s account. A certain amount of interdependence as well as the will to bond is perhaps required for any relationship to thrive.

There can however be no generalization in the matter. Each case is different and every equation is unique and it is only the persons concerned that have work on whatever is best for them. There is no magic formula that can be safely applied to all

Welcome Year 2010!

A very happy year 2010 to all of you.

I’ve taken a long time to post anything mainly because my daughter and children were here and I was having fun time with them. They however left on the 15th and my much neglected health started clamoring for attention. A bad cold needs to be pampered and not ignored. I did just that and it simply wouldn’t go. Not that it has gone now but having taken notice of it and treated it with respect it is now subdued and has agreed to lie low and leave in good time.

Winter has been severe after a long time. We had almost forgotten that Jamshedpur could be this cold but right when global warming was being discussed at international levels the northern part of India was being treated to an intense cold spell. We thought that it would get warm after Pongal but it didn’t. May be a few weeks more and we’ll be complaining of excess heat!

Cold weather is fine if one had someone to make hot tea and bring it to your bedroom and you could cuddle up in your bed with a novel in hand, soft music playing, and munching fry – ums/peanuts. Here, the husband has to be attended to as if he were a schoolboy, so what if he makes coffee in the morning!

I sometimes wish he wouldn’t make my coffee. Honestly. He makes it at 5:15 in the morning and starts waking me up saying that it would turn cold and wouldn’t taste as good if re – heated. Now I have to decide whether to wake up in the cold weather just to drink coffee or re – heat it later and be happy to drink sub standard coffee. To add to my misery my coffee maker can talk and keeps commenting on the quality of his preparation and most of the time I get up, but heat up my coffee that by now has become lukewarm.

My daughter asks me why I cannot insist on making my own coffee later. I too wonder why I don’t. I have no reason but perhaps deep down in my heart I prefer to have coffee prepared by him. Division of labor, I suppose. Like folding bed linen was my job till I stated working. Since I had to leave early for work he took over and now it has become his job. When he is out of town and I have to fold the single bed sheet used by me and put away my pillow, I find myself wishing that he’d return fast!

Yesterday was Basant Panchami and in our parts of India we celebrate Saraswati Puja on this day. I am always in admiration of the Goddess Saraswati who represents knowledge and learning. In contrast to the image of Durga who promises divine justice Saraswati seems to tell us that an intelligent mind can tackle adverse situation and justice would automatically follow. And justice may not always mean retribution. Somehow the principle of ‘an eye for eye and tooth for tooth’ seems wrong. The actual and long lasting justice would be to create a change in the minds of people. Correct me if I am wrong.

Let us therefore make a wish at the onset of a New Year.

Let us wish that we have the courage to say NO to practices like greasing palms and giving dowry just to find the easy way out. It is not easy to go against the tide. But 5 years back we, in our college, did just that. We were to benefit by a higher scale and the notice had reached our office. Those belonging to our group from other college paid the concerned dealing assistant in the university Rs. 500/- each to get it implemented. We resisted. The clerk would send extra money but ‘forget’ to mention how it may be utilized in the covering letter. In the following month the college would be directed to pay us the difference but money would be short. This went on for a year when a particularly strict IAS officer took over acting VC of the university. Unable to explain why a particular group from a specific college was being denied the scale the clerk quietly released the money out of fear of action against him. So a tough helmsman can make a difference is what we learnt. We again hear that the 6th pay recommendations would be implemented only if a certain amount is coughed up. Many in my college want to pay up. But I insist that we wait till the budget is presented to see how the university is going to explain why we are being denied the benefit. Patience is required and by god’s grace I have plenty of it. And the fact my colleagues pay heed to my words is comforting. I do hope I continue to be loved and regarded in the same manner till retirement.

A very happy year 2010 to all of you and do continue to pamper me because I am soon entering my 60th year and may soon go through the second childhood phase!

Happy New Year!!

How time flies! It was as if we just celebrated the arrival of 2009 and we are getting ready to bid farewell to the year already. I am inching closer to retirement with just 2010 in between. I think I am going to miss work but then I also thought I could not handle life after my children left home. Did life change? no, it didn't. Missing them is one thing but getting on with life is quite another thing. As the saying goes-

"If you love someone let them go......."

Would children feel comfortable thinking of a teary eyed mother missing them all the time? No, I think they want us to lead a cheerful and fruitful life so that they can pursue their interests. Similarly, much as I love my work, the next generation will have to take over while I make a graceful exit.

Then that brings me to another question that bothers me. Am I leaving the place the way I got it? I am afraid not. Our college now boasts of a huge building and a library that has grown threefold. The size of my lab is thrice the size of the lab I joined. But to be frank the input from us is much less when compared to the time I joined.

What went wrong?

The priorities of students has changed. In my drawing room I have an expensive card wishing me a "happy teacher's Day" given by the Student's union. This was not the practice 25 - 30 years back. In fact Teacher's Day celebrations were limited to schools. These days students touch our feet before exams and after results. They never did so earlier. May be I look old enough to be revered in this manner but I do not rule out the influence of TV programmes as one of the reasons for this new aspect in the student teacher equation. I don't remember ever touching my teacher's feet as a student. But I am sure I loved and respected them in the same manner as the current bunch. Then there is the culture of saying 'bye teacher' after class. Luckily or unluckily we don't have girls saying 'Hi!' when we walk into a class.

My daughter says that the student/teacher relationship is very informal in USA and perhaps the trend is catching up in India too. Whatever be the nature of the relationship, whether cordial, formal or friendly, results should speak of a job well done. I am afraid that in our part of India the syllabus as well as teaching techniques are out dated and do not appeal to aspiring students. It is an open secret that deals are struck and money is exchanged at the time of a college teacher's appointment. The meritorious who expect to be selected on the basis of merit alone can laminate their certificates and place them in a showcase for all to see. If you expect to be paid as per the 6th pay recommendations you better learn the ways of the world! When the whole world knows these things how do we expect the kids we teach to be ignorant? So will the powers that be ensure quality teaching while we turn a blind eye to the appointment process? Is it asking for too much?

If quality is compromised then our students will say 'Bye teacher' and attend a coaching institute that helps them in their career and we can sit in empty libraries and labs welcoming the odd student who makes an entry by mistake.

No, I do not want to put you off with my ramblings. Those of you with young children, please see to it that your children acquire an education that encourages them to reason and think for themselves. Expensive school claiming to provide education at par with internatinal standards are mushrooming all over the place. These schools take their students to USA and Europe for excursions. But whether it is worth the trouble is something that needs to be checked.

So in the final year of my teaching career I plan to make a few resolutions-

1. I am not going to get angry with the student who wants to adjust her classes in college to attend a computer class or MBA coaching. The outdated syllabus that is followed in our college will get them nowhere and if she has a bright future in mind I have to adjust according to her timings or accept being ignored.

2. I will mentally prepare myself to respond cheerfully to the student who says 'Hi teacher' instead of the old fashioned 'good morning or good afternoon'.

3. When the students pulls a stool and sits down in front of me I'll try my best to forget the fact that as a student I'd stand in front of the staff room and ask for permission to submit my record work and it was usually the peon that came to collect my practical record. Even if I remembered it I'd keep it to myself.

4. I'll get used to the new dance numbers like 'pappu can't dance saala' and stop lecturing on how classical dance forms were more appealing when compared to the modern version which to my ageing eyes seem like an ill practised physical exercise. May be I'll sport a cooling glass to hide the disappointment in my optical/occular expression.

5. Twenty five years back I expected students to draw from the specimen provided. Ten years back I gave them my B. Sc and M. Sc records for reference. Five years back I stopped complaining when they copied diagrams from the text book unless they were highly objectionable. Nowadays I sign anything they submit as record work. Progressive evolution I suppose. Young aspirants to a lecturer's post be prepared to get photocopies of book diagrams as record work. Already we have students downloading matter for project work from the internet without putting in even the minimum amount of preparation but examiners are glad that the copied material pertains to our subject. In future you may have Biology students submitting project work in Psychology. After all all disciplines merge at a higher level don't they??

In short I'll try my best to accept the changes taking place in society as long as it is beneficial. I may crib a little and sound critical on an occasion or two. But I do understand that a society can never be static. It has to be dynamic and progressive and though it is okay to remember 'the good old days' it is never proper to expect what worked in our times to be appropriate now.

A Happy New year to one and all of you.

Changing parenthood??

I sometimes wonder whether the equation between children and parents is undergoing a very subtle change to the extent that one hardly notices it? I cannot help thinking of a past in which parents dictated terms and children willingly or unwillingly abided by their terms and conditions. It was not easy and one did revolt occasionally. But one generally muttered under one's breath and made faces when the offender was not looking but stuck to rules all the same. it was the practice at my mother's to gradually initiate daughters and daughters in law to house work giving them time enough to pick up the customs and ways of the family. Daughters were however warned that once married they'd have to listen to their mothers in law and unlearn whatever they had picked up in their own homes. At my husband's place things were different. Once the DIL arrived on the scene the mother in law took voluntary retirement from house work. Oh yes, she gave directions as to how things may be done, she'd do the marketting and stuff but it was the daughter in law who took whole and sole responsibility. I remember feeling that the arrangement at my mother's was better while my brother's wife might have felt that she ought to be given more responsibility instead of having to play second fiddle to my mother. The grass is always greener on the other side isn't it? anyway that is beside the point. In a recent trip to the south I met two unknown ladies who travelled with me by local transport on two different occasions. We had about 40 minutes together in the first instance and with Chennai traffic at its worst it took us nearly 75 minutes to reach our destinations in the second case. I've always noticed that complete strangers feel inclined to open up with me. But what surprised me that the problems faced by both ladies were astonishingly similar. Both ladies had married children and both felt that their daughters and daughters in law were using them and it was becoming increasingly difficult for them to cope with house keeping, looking after kids etc.etc. The second lady had an employed daughter in law but the first one's daughter in law was a home maker. With my own children in far off USA I often wish they were staying anywhere in India and I'd often say that I could have helped them out if it were so. It is again the question of grass being greener on the other side. Hearing the version of these ladies has set me thinking. Despite the facility of modern gadgets that are available is house work and the associated responsibility exhausting and would it be better to lead a quiet retired life cooking for just two people than to offer to help children and allowing them to take one for granted? I am unable to decide.

The second lady traveled with me from Velacheri to Chennai central. She was visiting her daughter whose mother in law was hospitalized and needed her mother's help at home. With a smile that kind of forced she told me that she had her own house elsewhere in Chennai and planned to leave for the railway station from there but her daughter had soaked dal and rice for idly and she came all the way to her place to grind it and store part it in the fridge for future use and leave the rest for immediate consumption.

"My daughter rang me up in the morning to ask if it was okay with me. I could not say 'no'. After all she can take liberties only with me".

Why was she rushing back to Erode to her son's place I asked.

"My daughter works as an Asst. Engineer with BSNL and she had taken a week's leave while I was in Chennai She has to resume work from day after tomorrow," she said. My grand daughter will return from school well before her mother returns from work. I cannot allow the child to remain unattended as long as I am alive."

It is okay to expect parents to help and I am sure the lady did her bit willingly. But I did sense a kind of frustration in her tone. I felt that the least her daughter could have done was to have arranged for someone to drop her off at the station. It was well past nine in the night when we reached the station and with a bag in each of her hands she did have difficulty in getting down at the station in the pouring rain. I was travelling alone and had my own luggage to take care of and could not offer much help. She spoke of her son who'd come straight from home to see her off.

For what purpose, I wondered. Could he not have picked her up from his sister's house and dropped her off at the station?

The other lady I mentioned got into a local train at Mambalam and was on her way to Ennore. She had to change trains to reach her destination. She had picked up stuff for her nine month old grandson from T nagar and was returning home.

"My daughter in law finds it difficult to shop with a small child so she asked me to get some readymades for him".

She then told me that she was rushing back home because her school going son would be back from school and would soon leave for his tuitions.

"Won't your DIL attend to him?" I asked.

"We don't stay together" she said. "She stays separately in the upper floor of our house and can barely manage to look after the kid. In fact I have another daughter in law who stays in Tambaram. I 've realized one thing. You can love your children and their better halves as much as you want. You do it for yourself. It is always better to be a little formal and cordial with them once they grow up and get married. Never take any liberty with them. My husband gets angry with me but I feel that as parents we cannot let them suffer even though their priorities differ."

There have been times when I miss my children particularly during festivals but is it possible that the parent children equation has changed even without my noticing it? Roles of mothers are no longer limited to cooking and cleaning. I've seen grandparents standing at bus stops to drop or pick up grandchilren. They gladly take on more and more responsibilities. I have no problem with that. But is it not the duty of children to make life comfortable for them? Like in the case of the lady who was rushing back to attend to her school going son was it not the daughter in law's duty to offer to attend to him? I can almost hear my daughter asking why the mother could not have asked her to do so. I really have no answer except that what is right by me could be wrong by you!

Old age or second childhood??

I wonder why a perfectly balanced, normal person gets transformed into a cribber and complainer when old age and illness sets in. My experience with people in the last lap of their lives tells me that they become worse than children in their pre-teens and dealing with them can be quite exasperating. My own mother in law was quite a handful. I had two little daughters when she became bed ridden. I had never dealt with anyone so sick and there were times when I’d be at wit’s end. Pickle and rice with plenty of gingili oil was her favorite food item. Being diabetic she was always hungry and demanded food at odd hours. But I am glad that I was young and energetic and it was easier for me to handle her. Anyone who knew my mother in law would swear that she was never like that and it was only illness that made her act the way she did.

I now hear of another dear old lady in her 80s who is bent on making life hell for everyone around her. And I cannot believe what I hear. This particular lady was a very pleasant person till about two years back. She had a pleasant smile and was always good humored. I remember a conversation I had with her daughter in law some 20 years back.

“I really wish my husband was a little more helpful” I said. “He has to be told every little thing. When he sees me buzzing around can’t he just pitch in to help? If I ask him to dice vegetables he sits in one place and I have to give him everything starting from knife and cutting board to a clean piece of cloth to wipe the washed vegetables and a container to put them in.

“Mine is just the opposite” said her daughter in law. “I really wish he’d stay out of the kitchen. He messes up everything and I have to do it all over again.”

Deep in conversation we hadn’t noticed the lady sitting just behind us.

“On the whole, neither of you are happy with your husbands” she said in an indulgent voice. “For that matter, I must admit that I too found my husband ‘not so up to the mark’ on many an occasion. It is these little differences that make life interesting.”

I did not know where to look. After all, it was her son who was being criticized. But the woman bore no grudge and simply laughed it off. She was particularly fond of me and looked forward to my visits. Her grandchildren adored her and daughters in law loved her dearly. I hear that she screams at people these days. Her voice is loaded with sarcasm and no one, including her grandsons who are now married, wants to sit and talk to her. They accuse her of being deliberately difficult. Her daughter in law is now nearing 60 years of age and is herself diabetic. She is unable to stay awake at night but the old lady will not allow her to hire a nurse or attendant even for the night. Even when one was hired for a short while she shooed her off and the daughter in law had to wake up and come for her assistance.

I don’t for a moment believe that old people act funny just to grab some attention. They are perhaps highly insecure and feel left out. Or perhaps their internal system is failing little by little and they simply feel restless and are unable to express themselves. An infant acts difficult for the same reason but one does take a child’s behavior to be part of growing up. But when it is an ageing parent or a loved one in one’s care that throws a tantrum, we lose patience. There is one moving experience I can never forget and I wish to share it with you.

My father in law was hospitalized and his days were numbered. My husband was attending to him in hospital coming home just to have a bath and breakfast. I’d visit the hospital thrice a day, taking my husband’s meals from time to time and also to relieve him even if it was for a short time. The nurse had inserted a tube into his nose for nasal feeding but my father in law perhaps in his restlessness managed to pull it off. Reinserting it would be painful and it was very difficult for my husband to see his father in so much pain. The nurses, for their part, would get angry with him for not taking proper care pf the patient. All this upset my husband and he told a friend of his that he could take it no more and wanted to go home.

"The nurses and doctors are here to look after him. After all I cannot do much and may as well go home." He said.

His friend sensed that my husband was very tired and terribly upset. He pacified him and took him out for coffee. My father in law could not speak but in the 15 minutes that followed, he kept questioning me and all others present with his eyes if his son was upset with him and had actually gone away. I kept telling my father in law that he would not go home and would be back soon. And the relief I saw in his eyes when the son returned cannot be adequately described in words. He looked up to my husband for support and security just as a child would look up to its parent.

I don’t really know why some are patient and others throw tantrums when their health fails. But I do know that all of us going to reach that stage sooner or later and difficult though it may be, one ought to deal with an old person with patience and kindness. We cannot take away their pain or insecurity. All we can do is to treat them with the love and affection that they’ve always showered on us and if due to our busy schedule we are unable to give them the required attention at least let us not be critical of their behavior. Let us accept it as the second childhood in their lives and understand that if growing up was difficult phasing off is not easy either.

Accidental Deaths??

I don’t really understand why I think of death and dying these days. Dying is the only sure thing in this world and yet the very thought puts one off. But somehow the process of ageing and dying of natural causes seems acceptable. But when young lives are lost sometimes for no reason or fault on their part one does feel depressed. I recently heard of two young men, newly married and sole bread winners of their family, who lost their lives in road accidents. Both were driving motorcycles given to them as part of the dowry demanded by their parents. Both belonged to the lower middle class. One worked as a daily wager under a contractor and the other sold dosa, idli in a push cart. After the release of Dhoom and Dhoom-2 rash driving has become a fashion among young men. But in the cases mentioned the former was driving at full speed in a highway and failed to notice a sharp bump and was simply thrown off. He was at least responsible for what happened. The second man was crushed to death by a speeding lorry trying to turn at an intersection with a golchakkar (roundabout).

We in India always look for the easy way out. I don’t know about other states but definitely in Jharkhand and probably in Bihar passing a driving test is not mandatory and license is often issued without the candidate ever setting his eyes on the issuing officer. Till some 10 years back the motor training institutes charged an additional fee for the license and once the 2 week’s training was over it was assumed that he/she automatically qualified for the license. Thankfully the practice has been stopped and a kind of mock test is conducted and I haven’t heard of anyone’s application being rejected or of a person who failed the test. I sometimes wonder whether accidents would be reduced if issue of license were not so easy.

Then there are train accidents. I do not doubt the efficiency of our engine drivers. They are responsible for the safety of passengers and are properly trained. But as in the case of a father ferrying his son to school in a jeep who did not exercise caution while crossing an unmanned railway crossing, we Indians are always in a hurry. Signals annoy us. We do get a kick out of overtaking from the wrong side and ignoring traffic rules. Smooth flow of traffic is an alien concept and I saw it for the first time in USA. No honking, no overtaking and all commuters kept to their lanes. Pedestrians are treated with care and motorized vehicles stop at intersections whether there is someone crossing the road on foot or not. I went to a Labor Day sale and my daughter found a parking space with great difficulty. Such was the crowd. But people were relaxed. No jumping queues or any such thing. It took us 45 minutes to pay the bill at the check out counter but we did not hear any one grumble or mumble.

Is over population the cause for our insensitivity towards rules? Why are we always so hyper? Even at the doctor’s clinic we wish to push ourselves and are allowed to go first. Are not the others patients too? Young lives are lost due to this tearing hurry, rules are broken, palms are greased but lessons are seldom learnt.

Then there is the other kind of accident. One in which the stove bursts and a young bride is burnt to death. Or a young girl with a promising career is found hanging from the ceiling and the law finds her husband innocent. And another girl equally beautiful and with an even better career marries him. Parents in their haste to get rid of their burden – read daughters – don’t even bother to verify the details of the first wife’s death. Social boycott of the boy and his family is unheard of. It is whispered that the girl was somehow at fault and we all tend to believe the boy’s version. Some 20 years back a girl known to me died of a mysterious cause. She worked in a reputed company and her colleagues insisted on a post mortem. The girl’s father backed out saying that he had 2 more daughters to get married and he could not afford to antagonize his son in law who had connections in high places. Another girl from the same town married him and walked out of the marriage saying that he was schizophrenic and it was impossible to live with him. The man later committed suicide and the family admitted that he was indeed mildly schizophrenic. Proper treatment could have saved him as well as the girl married to him. I don’t blame the boy as much as I’d blame his family and the parents of the girls who married him. It is generally agreed that an alcoholic, gambler or anyone with personality disorders would be okay if they got themselves a wife. The truth is that with a wife to bear the brunt of his behavioral problems others in the family can breathe easy.


Sorry to sound pessimistic. I cannot help it. Young lives are not only important to their families but to the nation as a whole. We lose them to accidents, illness and insensitive social practices like dowry. When they manage to survive we let them become terrorists and anti socials who in turn take away more lives. And we accept all this as fate or destiny.

I end with the story of my colleague Dr. SP. She was unmarried and lived alone in the top floor of a house in the heart of the city. Her family lived in Ranchi. During Holi we get a break of a week and very often around the same time Good Friday, Easter and Ram Navami are celebrated. So if a few days of casual leave can be managed one can take around 10 to 12 days off. SP had told her land lady that she would be leaving for Ranchi early next morning and would return after about 10 days. So when one did not see her during the days that followed no one really missed her. A week later I came to know through a neighbor that the local papers carried the news of her death under mysterious circumstances and it was only on account of foul smell emanating from her room that people became suspicious. No one had any clue about the motive for murder. The saddest part was that while all of us in college mourned her death, her parents could only think of the amount she would get as provident fund and were glad that just a few months back she had given her father’s name as nominee. When asked to file a case her father politely refused saying that it was not possible for him to attend court in Jamshedpur since he lived in Ranchi, We never heard from him after that. SP was a smart girl with a brilliant career and a bright future. We often think of her although it is more than 15 years since she died. We try to figure out the motive behind her death and miss her in our own way. We heard that she had booked a flat in Ranchi and had drawn some heavy amount to pay the builder and the killer had perhaps been tipped off by the bank staff. But these are just speculations and nothing was proved.

Had the judiciary been faster in deciding on cases such as these people like SP’s parents would perhaps have the motivation to file a case and the unsuspecting public would know the cause and be more cautious.


If only girls are allowed to offer their opinion during marriage negotiations and the dowry menace done away with…………

If only parents thought twice before sending their wards to school in overloaded vans and three wheelers………..

If only traffic rules were drilled into our youngsters and breakers of these rules punished and penalized…………….

If only the state and central governments could ensure education for all children of the school going age…………

If our movies stopped depicting law breakers as heroes……….

If only the value of every life lost in this manner were realized by every one of us………..

Finally if every mother could be like Neelam Katara and fight for justice……….

I wonder if I am asking for too much to happen in too little time.

Gup Shap again.

My husband recently complained that I seemed to be folding clothes all the time.

Folding clothes? With three school going kids I could have been seen folding clothes but with just the two of us occupying two corners of the flat why was I folding so much clothes? Then I found reason to be happy. Take any of these serials and soaps telecast ‘from Monday to Thursday’. The lady of the house, every hair in place and dressed up (read decked up) as if she planned to host a party, seems to fold clothes as if it were her hobby. That the folded items are a treat to my middle class eyes is another matter. Silks and chiffons, with and without zari and zardari in all colors do appeal to a person like me who would feel baffled inside a cloth store. Watching them from a safe distance and betting to myself about their possible price and quality kind of keeps me occupied since the plot or story offers little or no interest. So if husband really felt that I was folding clothes was it possible that my class was being elevated? Did I really belong to the group of ladies who neither cooked nor cleaned but folded clothes all the time?

God is sometimes unkind and he doesn’t let me be so even in my imagination. The truth has to dawn upon me within seconds. Earlier I had two daughters taking care of these things. All I had to do was to collect the dried ones and dump them on the cot and thank God for giving me two very understanding daughters who’d fold and stack them. I have to do all this myself. Or else the clothes would be hanging in the balcony for days together.

That brings me to another question that bothers me. Apart from Kerala we Indians have an arrangement where the son and daughter in law take care of ageing parents. So I looked after my mother in law and my sisters in law looked after my mother and it went on and on. In the early days of my marriage I’d feel that if the Kerala arrangement was followed there may be less of those MIL versus DIL conflicts and life would be a lot more peaceful. Those were days when I looked for my mother in my mother in law and felt disappointed. I would have liked to live on at my mother's place if possible. In Jamshedpur I often see that married girls usually in their teens would stay on with their mother and the unemployed son in law would join her. The couple would have children and the poor father would have to feed not only the daughter but also her family.

“Why did you get her married at such a tender age?” I’d ask.

“Unemployed boys demand less dowry and we have 2/3 more girls to marry off.”

But did they live in peace? Not at all. The mother daughter equation changes once she is married and mother daughter clashes are even worse than the ‘TU,TU main, main of the MIL/DIL group in which women exercise some caution and have some consideration for the son/husband caught in between. There is a woman who sells masalas and other items like soap, detergent etc. I normally don’t buy anything from her but she stops by on Sundays to ask. She actually feels comfortable sharing her problems with me. She has two married daughters staying with her and says that the very girls who shared the same roof till about 2 years back do not want to stay in the same room for more than a few minutes. They fight over the chores in the house, the preference given to one or the other son in law and what not. The woman goes to a school to help prepare mid day meals for the children. The time she is away is the only time that she can think straight she says.

She approached the older girl’s in laws and asked them to be strict and order their son to return home.

“Chase them out” was the reply. “They left of their own accord and will have to return on their own.”

I wonder if they would say this if their son was earning.


All this makes me infer that lack of money causes problems and clashes occur when one is dependent on another for finances. Wouldn’t it be better to educate the girl and encourage her to have a job or a small business that fetches her money before getting her married? The logic behind getting one’s daughter married to an unemployed man to save dowry has always baffled me. Can this be called logical?

If lack of money was causing problems does excess of it solve them? The ex CM of Jharkhand has apparently siphoned off 4,000 crores during his tenure as mine minister and later as chief minister. The former CM of Bihar is famous for his role in the fodder scam. What do people do with so much money? Poor man Sukhram stuffed currency notes in pillow covers and almirahs not knowing what to do with it. He did not have a friend to advice him about investment options. Compared to the current bunch of politicians, helped by computer savvy associates, the man was a novice and consequently naïve. And to think Bangaru Lakshman of BJP resigned as party president (?)for accepting a bribe of just one crore. They say that the chair corrupts people. I am beginning to believe it too. But that is not my question. Do these guys sleep on currency notes? Do those who own flats in every known metropolis ever spend an occasional day in them? A boy whom I met during a program on AIDS awareness used to work as the actor Rajesh Khanna’s cook in Mumbai. According to him Rajeshji would visit the house once in 4 or 6 months (On a rotational basis perhaps?) but the cook, watchman, 2 dogs and the servant maid had delicious meals all through the month and enjoyed other luxuries too. At least our actors toil in the sets to earn that kind of money. Politicians can’t even see to it that roads laid with the tax payer’s money do not get damaged in the next monsoon season. And they have crores of rupees invested in deals that are of no benefit to the country.

Amassing wealth much beyond one’s requirement is also a mental illness. It hardly matters whether it was obtained through fair or fowl means. If you have money to spare use it prudently the way Warren Buffet did. I have a power point presentation on him but I don’t know how to upload it. But it is very interesting and lifts up one’s spirit. I’ll try putting it up or alternatively I’ll mail it to Suranga or Usha who can put it up in their sites. Let the money generate jobs or help eradicate illness. In short let money be used in an intelligent way by intelligent people and not by a bunch of self centred people who cannot think beyond themselves.

That was a long post and I just remembered that I have clothes to fold. Let me imagine that I am the mother/mother in law in an Ekta Kapoor serial who folds clothes with manicured hands looking as if she has a hundred others to do every odd job in the house.Thanks to Usha and Praveen I've managed to link Warren Buffet's power point. go ahead and enjoy!

The God Factor

I sometimes wonder about to the role a God’s presence in our life. I grew up believing that there is someone up there who is watching us and we need to account for our actions when we finally get to meet Him. It was this accountability that perhaps made me what I am today. Little things like “annalakshmi will cry” or “Saami (God) will poke one’s eyes if one cheated etc. went a long way in training me to be fair minded and to appreciate that we had enough to eat while there were many others who went to bed hungry. It also helped me feel compassionate towards those in need.

Unlike my Christian friends we, in our family, were under no compulsion to pray on a regular basis or go to the temple on a particular day. But we were expected to leave all work and assemble in the room marked out for prayers when the puja was over and camphor was lit. Whenever it rained and thundered we’d close our eyes and pray saying “Arjuna abhayam” meaning that like Arjun of the Mahabharat we were also seeking the blessings of Lord Krishna who was saying ‘why fear when I am here?’ So albeit in a very subtle way, we were being inculcated into believing that our life was being monitored by God.

On growing up and having developed a logical mind I have often wondered whether those who do not believe in God have missed something and also whether the belief actually sustains those who do. I remember a conversation I had with a friend and colleague who had just lost a sister.

“God balances everything.” I had said. “When HE tries your faith by giving you cause to grieve, HE also rewards you by granting you something to rejoice over.”

“How do you say this didi?” she asked. “My mother lost her mother at the age of five and was raised by a step mother. She had a bad marriage and she divorced my father. She went through the trouble of educating us and getting us married. Just when she began to relax, my sister, an air hostess with a great future, was brutally murdered for dowry. The court lets her husband roam free due to lack of evidence and a girl, related to us, marries the man despite knowing the whole story. Where is the divine justice that you talk about?”

Her mother died two years later and I am still looking for answers.

A friend of mine lost her husband two years back and is yet to come to terms with it and accept the fact that death is the only sure thing about life and it can happen in any manner. She and her younger son who claim to be agnostics take medication for depression but the older son, who is a practicing Christian, firmly believes that his father is in heaven and is watching over him. His attitude is positive.

I do not reject the existence of God outright. I believe that there is god in each of us. The God within us is the voice of our conscience that keeps warning us when we go wrong. The Hindu philosophy, that our actions alone count and that one is accountable for bad karma, has been propounded after a lot of deep thinking. The welfare of society is maintained by this belief and people learn to deal with life’s blows thinking that the perpetrators of misery will have to answer for their misdeeds. They get on with their lives believing that God will take care of things. The same goes with Christian teachings that advices man to ‘do unto others what you would have others do unto you’. It helps one control negative vibes and refrain from deliberately harming others.I am sure that the Koran, Gurugranth and other religious books also say something similar.

But then all this applies to those of us who lead ordinary lives. The politician who siphons off millions and millions of public money seems to think that taxpayers are actually paying for him to invest in appropriate shady deals to an extent that he wouldn’t even remember the number of investments actually made by him. His PA would be entitled to own a dozen houses in posh localities and perhaps his gatekeeper would be a millionaire. The God within them is conveniently drugged and goes off to sleep like Rip Van Winkle.

I have not actually seen God. But I do meet his representatives from time to time. My maternal grandfather and uncle are personifications of God in my life. Thanks to them we grew up like other children without missing the presence of a father in our lives. My husband is being helped by a seventy year old man completely unknown to him till a few years back. This man is not a practicing advocate or a qualified lawyer yet he spends his time giving free legal advice to those who come to him. That he does not charge any fees for his services is one thing, he also arranges for lawyers, who like him are selfless and fight cases in the lower as well as high courts for a nominal fee. My husband’s was case filed in Jharkhand High court and the verdict was given in his favor. All this happened in 2006. We left for America soon after the case was filed and the lawyer took care of everything. My husband returned from America in about 5 months and came to know that the case had been disposed of in his favor. Can you believe that the entire process cost him only Rs. 3000/- ? We have not even met the lawyer in person. We are asked to see God in everything. I am not such a great soul to put this advice to practice. But I do see God in such people who can mint money if they choose to but refrain from doing so.

The God factor is important in that it helps one get past trying times. It enables us to accept unhappy and shattering experiences with equanimity and accept them as God’s will. Very often a shattering experience results in something better at a later stage and the bitterness felt earlier is forgotten. It does not matter which God or mentor one chooses to trust. What matters is that faith strengthens the mind and energizes the spirit. Agnostics and atheists place their faith in themselves which again is like trusting God because the scriptures say there is god in all things and before anything else, one is accountable to one’s own conscience. Life is but a chain of trust and the first link in the chain is the trust one places on him/herself.

STORY TIME

This is a piece that I wrote some 4 years back and it is special because it was my first published work. It was published in Woman's Era in 2005. It was saved in my computer and I was looking for something else and this one popped up. The kids in the story are my brother's daughters who have now grown up into responsible young girls with the older one doing her Dentistry in Coimbatore and the younger one planning to follow her soon. They are both trained in Bharatanatyam and re reading this piece makes me wish to go back in time and enjoy the days when they were kids in their pre - teens. i dedicate this post to their bright future.

As a fresh graduate I often entertained my younger siblings and their friends to a story session whenever there was a power cut in the locality. We would light a candle and form a circle around it and I would narrate to them stories selected from a wide and variable range. I was an avid reader so there was never a dearth of good fiction. These stories would be narrated with such fervor that my young wide-eyed audience would laugh or weep as the situation demanded. The hero, the villain, the step- mother, and all other characters in the story were real people and were critically analyzed during dinner -time. They would go on to suggest a different conclusion or a better treatment of the plot and feel thrilled when their idea was accepted. Those were days before the television made its entry into rural homes and this was a means of healthy entertainment.

My own children never came to me for stories. My father in law was a well-read man and he took charge of supervising their study time and home work each evening and would reward them with a story while I prepared dinner. The children looked forward to their story time and since it was conditional and subject to their finishing the given assignments, their studies were also simultaneously taken care of. For this purpose he would religiously read children’s fiction and fairy tales while I took it easy and thanked god for small mercies.

My earlier success as a story -teller encouraged me to try the same with the next generation and not realizing their potential I offered to tell them a story. The next generation comprised of my brother’s daughters Shruti and Shweta who were smart young girls studying in the primary section of a reputed school in Mumbai. They belonged to the digital age and had grown up watching TV! The story was from a movie I had watched as a schoolgirl and was the vernacular version of an English movie The parent trap. It was also one that I had earlier narrated to my younger brothers including the father of the two girls.
“A long time ago there were two sisters who were twins” I began.
“But how can sisters be TWINS?” Shweta asked.
“Be quiet! She means twin sisters.” Shruti the older one explained. I could not understand the difference however much I tried. Anyway I was grateful for her timely help and continued the story. “The older one was called….”
“But aunty you said they were twins” this was Shruti.
“She was older by a few minutes” I explained.
“By how many minutes?” interrupted Shweta.
“May be ten or twelve” I replied. “The sisters were called Lalli and Pappi.”
“I don’t like their names. They’re too old fashioned. I’ll suggest new names for them,” said Shruti.
“Me too” said Shweta.
After this I lost track of who was saying what. I just sat through the discussion that followed.
“I’ll call them Riya and Rini”
“Never ever! They’ll be called Anu and Vinu”
“Those are not real names. They’re only nicknames. Any way they sound stupid”
“They sound stupid to you because you’re stupid”
“Aunty! She’s calling me names”
“You started it silly!”
“Why don’t you get lost?”
“Why not YOU? You’re not wanted here any way.”
“Who are you to say it? This is my house and I’ll stay here as much as I want and as long as I wish to.”
“This is daddy’s house not yours”.
The debate continued for what seemed to me an eternity.
I felt lost and inept to arbitrate. My head started reeling and I had to call for their mother’s intervention. My own children had grown up and I had lost touch with children in their pre – teens. The mother knew exactly how to tackle them. She made them suggest a name each and solved their dispute in a minute. I felt like a fool.

The naming ceremony was over but I had no energy to continue. I seemed to have forgotten half the story and needed a cup of coffee to revive my spirits. I did not have the heart to let the children down so I continued with the story. I tried to impress upon them the efforts taken by the children in the story to bring their estranged parents together. The story did not seem to provoke emotions and perhaps the plot, to their minds, sounded outdated. This was a generation of SUPERMEN and SPIDERMEN and the world could be accessed at the press of a button. They may not have found the escapades of characters in the story interesting. I felt a little dejected over my failure as a storyteller. I left home to visit a friend planning to give up story telling for life. After a pleasant evening, spent at my friend’s place recalling our childhood days, I returned home at ten in the evening. To my greatest surprise the two little girls were waiting for me in the front room waiting to hear the next story! They had invited their cousin to sleep over and their beaming father told me that the girls were superb narrators and had since afternoon kept their friends entertained with a modified modern version of my story without destroying its essence. They had animated discussions about the plot and characters, found alternative methods to deal with the villain of the story. Their heroine for instance abandoned the old-fashioned post office route and communicated via e-mail and the villain did not bother to threaten the postman or snatch letters from the servant. He simply hacked passwords and deleted mails. My brothers who had a pleasant reminder of yester years joined their children to listen to yet another of my stories!

The experience however was an eye opener. Children would remain children and they had enjoyed the experience. I had worried in vain. I am now a grandmother and soon my grand daughter will be asking me for bedtime stories. Keeping pace with changing times I’ve asked Shruti and Shweta to update me with stories that the new additions to the family would prefer!