Gup Shup Again

I've been away from the blogworld for a long time now and it took me quite an effort to start writing again. It was similar to the feeling one gets when college reopens after a vacation. One just feels like lazing around doing nothing but then realizes that one needs to do something worthwhile and meaningful. Oh yes I like to think that I write meaningful pieces and they are certainly worth a read.

Was my break good? Time with my grandchildren was good but healthwise it was unfortunately a big 'NO' :-(((

Can you imagine what it is to be in constant pain? Well,well my arthritic knee made me realize what intense pain was. There was nothing anyone could do about it. I went limping all over the place and climbing up and down the stairs one at a time. Yes, i live in the 3rd plus half level of an apartment complex without a lift and had to climb up and down 52 steps even if it was only to go to the doctor or for an X ray of the knee. I would have done anything to be relieved of the pain including a visit to the local 'dayan'(witch) and tried out witchcraft. I tried an assortment of pain killer oils and ointment with no positive effect. The bone specialist advised knee replacement but the thought of post operative care as well as the expense involved was not encouraging. I tried homeopathy which had worked well in the case of my spondylitis but it did not help this time. Finally a visit to an Ayurvedic Center and the treatment offered by them helped and I am at least 50 to 60% better with their medicines, light exercises as suggested by the doctor and oil massage. I have to report to them this Friday and I now plan to go for oil massage by a professional in the center. Climbing up and down the stairs is not that much of a strain now so I think I can manage to go there twice or thrice a week.

The house feels empty without my little Annu and Megha. I have the computer to myself but I do not feel like using it. Megha would always want to wrest it from me and I do miss her saying 'what amma, you've been using the computer for sooo......... long'. Or Annu asking for candy and raisins not just in one hand but both. Give her a little in each hand, she'd transfer all of into one hand and stretch out the other hand for more! I can almost hear her saying 'Thatha put medicine, amma paining, amma very paining'.

I feel bad that I had to fall sick when the kids were around. But my health problem made me realize one thing. I have people around me who really care. Be it my colleagues in college or cousins in distant places or my own family including my sister,brothers, their wives as well as my children. All of them were concerned and offered help and advise - each one in their own way. I am told that like diabetes arthritis can be managed but will now remain with me for life. Not a comforting thought but then what cannot be cured may as well be endured!

I returned to college after the summer vacation and was told that the services of 29 people including me was being questioned. Some retired pensioners were also affected. It seems that our posts were adjusted against the posts of another college in the University that had posts in excess. Now the concerned college was clamoring for the posts to be returned to them saying that the employees of the college were losing out on their line of promotion and it was against the government rule that posts be transferred to other colleges. Another version was that after adjusting our services the university should have accounted for the adjustment to the government. Now the university is part of a new state and the government of Bihar that had created the post was no longer approachable. We have separated from Ranchi university and are now part of Kolhan University. Would the parent state government or the parent university offer some explanation? Everything was so very confusing.

'people get transferred, not posts'.........

I did not know whether to laugh or cry. Luckily my pain was so severe that it did not matter whether after 30 years of service I would be told that my entire career was based on a wrong foundation or if I would be denied pension and retirement benefits. Learning to look at the bright side of things! Our Principal is now making trips to Ranchi to adjust our posts against the posts of retired employees as well as those who left our college services midway for whatever reason. In the meanwhile it is whispered that there is no problem as such and all this fuss is being created by a few with itchy palms. 'God save this country' is all I can say. No I am not too worried. I am something will be done and with nearly 300 employees affected a solution ought to be arrived at and the problem done away with forever.

I may not be very regular but I shall post something once in a while till my arthritis is taken care of. Will catch up with your posts soon.

Tagged!

Suranga tagged me to write about 10 things that I do that are not considered feminine. Well Suranga 10 is a little too much but I'll try anyway.

1. I am not keen on make up/shake up etc. Even on my wedding day I did not use lipstick. Except when in my pre-teens I don't remember ever wanting to own lipstick. I think it has something to do with a teacher who'd pick on me all the time. I don't remember her name but I do remember her red lipstick and frowny face.

2. I do not attach too much importance to feeding the family and children in particular. Yes, they need to be given meals on time and I make sure that the food is nutritous and filling. But ask me to cook a separate dish for each of my children or worry about satisfying a fussy child throwing tantrums for food........ well they can howl as much as they want but they get to eat what the rest of us eat. I was brought up that way and I never imagined that there could be another way. However I do see other mothers do exactly the opposite and I feel a little inadequate as a mother.

3. I have said this before and I'd say it again. I am not the person to want to go on a shopping spree. Most of my sarees have been selected by other people. Like say a person may go to Calcutta and pick up a few sarees from there and ask me to choose from among them. Even in that case the number should not exceed 2 or 3. Someone just has to say that this one or the other one would look good on me and I'd simply go for it. Regarding my monthly provisions, my husband takes care of it. I drive him to the market and wait in the car most of the time. It is the other way round in most families.

4. When my daughters visit I book tickets and plan for vacations and my husband worries about pickles and pappadams.

5. I wish I could say that I could change tyres and fix punctures. I cannot but the day I decide to learn I definitely will. I can take care of fuses and minor faults with my gadgets.

6. It seems that as a child I would rather read a book than play with dolls according to my paternal aunt.

7. I admire ladies who can spend a whole afternoon attending kitty parties and stuff. I have been invited to join chit fund groups that meet up on a monthly basis.but I've declined the invitation saying that I'd rather open an RD in a bank. I cannot discuss anything unless it has a social or psychological relevance.

8. Like Usha I seem to grow hair on my chin and pluck it out regularly. Finally my true colors are showing and the world gets to know the not so feminine side of my nature!

So I have not fared too badly and I see that the feminine energy within me needs to be boosted. May be I'll try. I may succeed or may be not. We are all what God made us to be.

Anyone interested may take up this tag but I'd invite Renu to do it if she has not done it already.

Temper Tantrums

I thought I would not be able to blog for a while with my daughter and g'daughters visiting us. True, I have been busy - no, not overworked since my daughter takes care of her children's need pretty well - but just enjoying their company. Little Annu wants to be carried all the time "amma, godi"........ is her request from time to time. Need I say that I am ever ready to oblige. Her mom complains that I am spoiling her but aren't grandmoms expected to do just that?

However, I just heard of a case in which a mother had been misunderstood all her life and passed away just around the time her daughter began to understand her problem giving her no chance to make amends. I felt sorry for both of them since it was not fair that one's judgemental error becomes a life long burden. I could not help sharing this story with you so that if ever we come across such cases we remember that there could be more to it than that which meets the eye.

Shuba was a close friend of mine when I was in college. We in the hostel tend to get close to a few chosen friends and often share secrets with them - secrets that we don't feel comfortable talking to our own siblings or members of the extended family. Shuba's problem was her mother. As perceived by Shuba she was foul mouthed and uncaring and gave her father a tough time. Shuba and her younger brother were sympathetic towards the father who often worked late hours in office just to avoid a confrontation with his wife. Even when he did come home early the children would meet him at the street corner and the three of them would take a stroll to a neighboring park just to be able to talk to him without the mother constantly yelling and complaining making any communication between them impossible. When alone with her father Shuba would crack jokes, mimic her teachers while her brother would discuss cricket and politics. Her dad would tell them how his day went and about his aspirations for his children.

"I wish my dad had been blessed with an understanding wife. My mother comes from a rich and influential family and nothing my dad does measures up to her standards. She is quarrelsome and often takes out her frustration on her parents as well as me." Shuba would say.

"Why you?" I'd ask.

"I resemble my dad and she hates me for it."

At the tender age of 16 I did not really understand much and pretty much agreed to Shuba's view that her mother was acting difficult on purpose. My opinion did change a bit when I met her mother in person. She seemed a warm person and made me feel comfortable. I took her side in private when Shuba tried convincing me that her mother was just putting on an act.

"She does it whenever we have visitors. She'll be so kind to me that none would believe my version. That is why I never talk about her to family members. No one would believe me when I tell them about her temper tantrums."

Like all good things life our association came to an end after we graduated. We exchanged letters for a few years and finally even the letters stopped. I often thought of her and wondered how she might be faring. My own mother was a pillar of strength in the initial years of my marriage when I faced severe financial problems and had to deal with a sick mother in law all by myself.

"This will not last for ever. Better days are waiting for you. Just be patient." she'd say.

And I'd feel better. It really helps when one gets the right kind of advise. I wondered if Shuba's mother could ever be a mature and balanced guardian to her the way my mother was.

Years rolled on. I met Shuba purely by chance at a wedding. She was a microbiologist working in a multinational company. She was her usual jovial self but I sensed that all was not well with her. I could not bring myself to ask about her mother. So I enquired about her husband and children instead.

"I have an only daughter and would you believe it when I say that she is just another version of my mother. She seemed so unhappy and dissatisfied no matter what I did for her. I got her married to a person of her choice hoping that she'd be happy with him. But no, she kept quarreling with him and hated his parents from day one. The couple moved into a separate apartment and now she accused him of hatching plans against her with his parents behind her back. She attempted suicide following a quarrel with him and I had to intervene. I took her for psychiatric counselling and her condition has been diagnosed as bipolar disorder and she has inherited it from my mother through me. With medication and counselling she is much better now. Her in laws are quite understanding as is her husband. He has decided against having a biological child and plans to adopt one in a year or two when her psychiatrist considers her condition fit enough to raise a child."

"All is well that ends well. Thank God that she had understanding people around her. Why do you seem upset? Things are improving and you should be happy." I said.

"Only when I accompanied my daughter to her counselling sessions did I understand what it was that my mother suffered from in all these years. We did not have the means or understanding to treat her condition and always believed that she did it on purpose. Unfortunately, I got so involved in my daughter's life that it took me a while to realize that with a little medication and a lot of understanding my mother too could have led a near normal life. I truly wanted to make amends and bring her over to my house on my return from my daughter's place. But God perhaps wanted to punish me for never having tried to understand her problem. Within a week after my return from my daughter's my mother passed away in her sleep with only my father by her side. She who never found peace in her life time, left us without giving us a chance to tell her that we now understand. Try as much as I might, her memories keep haunting me. If only I had a second chance........." her voice choked and she burst out crying. I let her cry to her heart's content hoping that her guilt would be eased out at least to some extent.

The entire story kind of depressed me. Very often we fail to understand that temper tantrums and the like need to be addressed with care and concern. It is easier to accuse the person of deliberately causing trouble and brushing aside his/her behaviour as a ploy to get attention. Moreover no one likes to admit that a family member needs psychiatric help. Like the heart, liver or kidney, the brain can also develop symptoms that can be rectified with proper treatment. No one need to feel embarassed about going to a psychiatrist. At least not in the 21st century.

Taking a break

Hi all,
I am busy for the next two months enjoying every available minute with my g'daughters megha and annika.will be back with loads of information about them.Goodbye till then.

Office Romance??

An incidence that took place long back keeps coming back every now and then. I belong to an older generation and my career has not been particularly difficult so I had it easy. Not so the current bunch of ambitious young women. They have goals in mind and work hard to reach them. In the course of their interaction with their male colleagues they often find themselves in unpleasant situations. How much of the blame should be accorded to them is my question.

Take for instance the case of PP. She landed a job in far off Ahmedabad in a small company. Her job was interesting as well as challenging. The average age of her company’s employees was around 25. Her boss was just 2 years older than her. It was the culture in their office to call the boss by his first name. Western influence perhaps?? Everyone including her boss treated PP as a friend rather than a subordinate. So when her parents visited her for the first time she was at the station to receive them. It was a Sunday and the train being late, she asked her boss to give her company while she waited for them to arrive. In the days that followed there was considerable interaction between PP’s parents and her office colleagues. They all seemed a decent lot and nothing seemed out of place even to their experienced eyes. So when they started looking out for a suitable match for their daughter they were surprised when two of her colleagues started harassing her - one being her boss himself. The girl herself was at wit’s end and found it easier to tell the boss that her parents were just looking for a suitable match but had not found one yet, rather than tell him outright that she was not interested in him and preferred to marry a person chosen by her parents. This in fact acted as a deterrent to the other colleague who withdrew himself on hearing about the interest shown by his boss in her. Trouble started when she finally got engaged to a person of her parent’s choice. The boss threatened to make life hell for her if she dared to marry someone else. She had no option but to ask her parents to intervene. Finally after ascertaining that she really had no interest in him, they spoke to him as well as his parents and sorted things out. Her fiancé was informed but he took it in his stride and did not worry too much. Today she is married and happily settled in Dubai having put the incidence behind her. But the whole episode left me wondering who was to be blamed in all this. According to her parents there was nothing in her behavior that suggested that she was even remotely interested in him. How then did he get the impression that she was?

The answer perhaps lay in the explanation given by a senior colleague of mine. According to him, girls may not think much of getting odd chores done by a male colleague. An innocent request of getting a few pages photocopied can put ideas into a guy’s head. He says that he very often sees a girl chatting with 3 or 4 male colleagues or class - mates. One never knows which of them would be hoarding romantic ideas about her even without her knowledge. It is therefore in her own interest that a girl needs to draw a line and make her position very clear. But then the girl’s fiancé did not worry too much which is again indicative that such incidences do happen and no one worries too much about it. With more and more children taking up jobs in distant places I suppose this too is part of their career experience.

Mother's Day - A retrospective introspection

Indus Ladies have published posts of mommy bloggers in their e book and I am glad to be included in the list. The book can be read by over one lakh readers from alll over the world. Their e book can be accessed by clicking on the link below =

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/announcements/94830-happy-mothers-day-get-our.html

Their banner is also displayed here.

Mother’s day is nearing and all of us are gearing up to celebrate the day. I don’t remember this being such an important day when my children were growing up. I vaguely remember being invited to their Bal-Vihar class along with other mothers and children were made to wash their mother’s feet as a mark of respect. Their teacher gave a short speech on the importance of a mother in one’s life. The children sang a few bhajans, sweets were distributed and we returned home to our daily routine. I don’t remember giving a second thought to the function. I was more worried about my husband’s return from office and the time in hand to get some snacks ready for him when he arrived. My father in law was waiting for me to get back home to be able to leave for his evening stroll to meet up with others of his age. What I mean to say is that those were times when motherhood was taken for granted.

Rewinding further to the time when I was growing up, I remember my mother giving due importance to us, the daughters of the house, on festive occasions such as Navarathri and Shankaranthi. But it never occurred to us as to why we never had a day allotted for a mother’s welfare. Oh yes, we were advised to fast on certain for one’s husband’s long life and on certain others for the son’s welfare but mothers were never given a thought. She was there in the kitchen or other areas of the house slogging away churning out mouth watering delicacies and supplying regular meals. Clothes would be folded and stacked, potable water filled in properly cleaned utensils, servants would be dealt with ………well one can go on and on. I don’t remember ever hugging my mother and saying “Happy mother’s day amma!” We were never a demonstrative lot.

I wonder when all this changed? Was it when TV sets became part of our homes? Is it because more and more children have left home in search of jobs in far off places and foreign countries? I wonder how my mother felt about it? Did she even expect to be given some kind of recognition for all that she had done for us children? For that matter do I want it for myself? To be honest I don’t and perhaps my mother too had never entertained such thoughts. But I do admit that I feel happy when my children call me up and wish me on Mother’s Day.

I truly wish I could relive my childhood and give my mother a little hug to say how much I loved her. I’ve never said it in words but I am sure she understood.

I wish my mother had been more communicative and shared her joy and sorrows with us. She somehow preferred to keep it to herself and we could never bring ourselves to ask her anything that she did not say but we understood all the same. Why then should we be told anything when we understood everything? I feel that it may have eased her troubled mind if not anything else.

Should I call it lack of communication? How could it be so when we understood each other so well even without communicating in words? Try as much as I might, I cannot recall an occasion when my mother made us the target of her own frustration and anxiety. In fact she never very much liked it when I used an aggressive or authoritative tone to pull up my children.

“You are teaching them to answer back. You will not like it when they do.” She’d say.

I know that I am not the person that my mother was nor are my children the kind that we were. However the rapport I have with my children is no less or more than that I had with my mother.

Generations of mothers have passed on. What remains unchanged is the care and concern they have for their children. Even under extreme provocation it is difficult for a mother to think ill of her children. She would find all kinds of excuses for them and blame everyone around them for the circumstances. Even when she is unable to defend them her heart is always willing to give them ‘just one more chance’.

Is there anyway one can define a good mother?

If she is soft on her unruly children then she is spoiling them.

If she is harsh then she is a tyrant stifling the natural growth of the child.

If she defends them from others who target them then she is over protective.

If she doesn’t then she does not care enough. After all who can support the children if not her.

So while it is generally agreed that all mothers are good, none are good enough. Paradoxical isn’t it?

I end with an instance that took place long ago.

My son was then around 9 years of age. My friend’s father in law had passed away and their house was full of relatives who had come to attend the ceremony connected to his death. I was at their place helping out with the arrangements for the function that was to take place the following day. With the mother busy and a whole lot of children to play with, my son was having unlimited fun time. The kids were up to mischief and one of them poured water on the firewood that was being used to cook meals for the family. The cook got upset and marched them down to the lady of the house complaining that it was impossible for him to work if the parents did not monitor their children. I ordered my son home saying that I’d deal with him later. I kind of accepted that even if he hadn’t actually poured water he was equally responsible for the situation. However, the other mothers did not think so. They went on and on about how well behaved their children were and this being a new place they would never ever dare to do such a thing. Finally I was the only person being indirectly blamed for raising an unruly kid who was responsible for spoiling their angelic incarnations.

Unable to take it any longer I left soon afterwards. My friend called out to join them for the night meal but I declined the invitation saying that I had a lot of pending work to complete at home.

The incidence has stayed with me ever since. Was it wrong of me to accept that my son might have had a hand in the mischief? Should I have defended him a bit more? I agree that my friend could not have supported my son or me since the ladies were from her husband’s side of the family. But could she not have generalized the incident having known Rahul since his birth? I have no answers till date. The incident, however, made me feel inadequate as a mother although I’ve not been able to change myself and jump to my children’s defence at the slightest provocation. I feel they have to take it in their stride and learn that it takes all sorts of people to make the world.

A very Happy Mother's Day to all of you!

On Motherhood..........

The image on the left is a banner inviting mommy bloggers to get listed in the e book that is being released on Mother's day by Indus ladies. This would be a great way of connecting mommy bloggers and exchanging notes. The link to this site is here.

Becoming a mother may be easy but being one is not. I may sound harsh because motherhood is considered an exalting experience.While one can be considered a bad daughter/teacher/sister/wife etc. it is difficult to be a bad mother. However, with all good intentions, motherhood also means a lot of responsibility and accountability.

A mother is a child’s first teacher and the example set by her is keenly observed and emulated. It is natural for a mother to vent her frustration on her child merely because he/she is an easy target. Very often the child takes it in his/her stride and a mother’s outbursts are not taken seriously but there have been instances of a mother’s attitude and outlook that have had an adverse effect on a child’s personality and perspective. It is therefore a mother’s duty to take care that she does not rub in her own disappointments onto her children to the extent of affecting their lives.

Sujaya was an ambitious mother and although her husband was not a high ranking officer she nursed hopes of educating her daughters well and ensuring a bright future for them. Being ambitious was one thing but constantly drilling into their minds that they deserved the best in life and that their lives should never be like her own was something else. The disappointment that she felt at being a middle class housewife rubbed into her daughters and they in turn chose to look down upon anyone who was not so well placed in life. When the question of marriage arose, no proposal seemed good enough. If the boy was well placed in life, he had to support ageing parents. If his parents had enough resources to take care of their expenses and the boy himself was earning a good salary, his English had a Bihari/ Bengali accent and he was not considered suitable. The boy’s sisters were snobs or the mother seemed dominating. The father was just a clerk or the quarter allotted to him was meant for workers and supervisors and it was impossible to adjust to life in his home. This went on and on and at no stage did their mother explain to them that it was not possible to find a perfect groom. It was unfortunate that the girls had a skewed idea of human relationship and marriage. While the older one found herself a matured partner who was able to bring about a positive change in her attitude, the younger one was not so lucky. Her marriage failed and ended in a divorce.

Bamini had a tough time at the hands of her parents in law. In fact the entire household including her husband would tremble at the sight of her domineering father in law. It was no wonder that she filled her daughter’s mind with negative thoughts about one’s in laws. Her daughter today is suspicious even when her mother in law showers genuine affection on her. She feels that there had to be an ulterior motive behind the seemingly kind behavior on her mother in law or sister in law’s part.

There are many other examples that come to my mind where I’ve felt that had a little caution and self - control been exercised by parents, their children would be better adjusted individuals. A father who humiliates the mother in the presence of his children, a mother who suppresses facts or lies to her husband or a parent who supports a child when he/she is wrong are all accountable for the kind of adults they become later.

No one is perfect and this applies both to parents and children. The reaction to a particular circumstance also varies with individuals. The mother who is at the receiving end may evoke sympathy. However, she could also be considered a weakling and as being responsible for the situation. The daughter who watches her being abused may turn out be an aggressive individual.

What then is the solution? I am no counselor but I do feel that two adults committed to each other by marriage as well as members of the extended family on both sides should be mutually respectful, at least once children arrive. I know of a lady in her seventies who has an only son. It is to her credit that none have heard her complain about her daughter in law. The girl is just picking up the nuances of house keeping and very often messes up things. The mother in law understands, that with all her faults, she is an important person in her son’s life and mother to her dear grandchildren. She therefore needs to be treated with love and affection. Criticizing her or constant faultfinding will not help. Accepting her for the person she happened to be and gently trying to initiate her into the customs of the family without imposing her own will on her would perhaps bring about a positive change in her attitude and very soon she would be a second daughter to her.

I end with a story that my mother loved to repeat-

A woman has four daughters and an only son who is the youngest among her children. The son gets married and the daughters who have arrived for the marriage advice their mother to treat the new bride well – ‘like one among them’ to quote their words. The mother is all too willing to pamper the daughter in law. The daughters leave and the house is back to normal. One afternoon the woman is heating milk for the afternoon coffee when the postman arrives bringing a letter from her mother. She calls out to her daughter in law asking her to keep an eye on the milk and starts reading the letter. The daughter in law has either not heard her or did not take her words seriously, the milk boils over and the kitchen is in a mess. The woman gets upset and starts cleaning up. She is also cross at her daughter in law for being careless and asks her to pay more attention in future. She then prepares coffee and takes it to her DIL’s room and finds her sitting on her bed and sobbing.

“Am I not supposed to say even this?” she asks her husband. “After all I would have said the same had it been one of my daughters in her place.”

“You cannot take the same liberty with your daughter in law as with your daughter” advises her husband. “ You can pamper your daughter in law as much as you want but you have to wait for a while before you take the liberty of admonishing her. She needs time to accept you as her mother. Right now you are just her mother in law.”

He was indeed correct and this story is true in every relationship. One needs to give it time to grow. And like any other relationship, motherhood also need to grow and develop along with one's children!

Teen Troubles?

I have an acquaintance who has a 9 year old son studying in a reputed school in town. The boy, it seems is unable to concentrate in class and lags behind in academics. While I feel he should be given more time to realize the need to put his heart into his work, his mother's anxiety was equally justified.

"Not a day goes by without my getting upset didi." she said. "Give him a mobile phone - the very latest model - he will understand its functions in no time. He is equally comfortable using the computer and would keep playing computer games all day if he could. But ask him to sit for an hour with his books and he finds all sorts of excuses to avoid working on his home work. Rarely does he note down his home work and completes it on his own. I have to stay up till 11 at night after finishing my work and personally check if he has understood his lessons and completeted the assignments given to him. I took him to a counsellor and she says that he is fine and is just plain lazy. She wants me to stop helping him and let him fail his class tests once or twice. You will see that he will learn to work on his own. He would certainly not wish to be left behind while his class mates move on."

I wonder if it is that simple. A cousin of mine was very good at sports and other extra curricular activities. He was not a bright spark in academics but managed to pass his exams without any extra coaching. But of course in our times academics could not be compromised and no one cared if he played basket ball well enough to represent the school team. Or that he was a good orator and possessed excellent social skills. The boy had no option but to feign illness. He'd come home complaining of head aches and would want to sleep in a dimly lit room. His parents got an eye test done but the specialist in his home town could not make out what his problem was. He was referred to a famous ophthalmogist in Chennai who realized that the boy was actually trying to avoid his studies and home work and trying to gain sympathy by pretending to have some severe eye problem. In reality there was nothing wrong with his eyesight. Constant nagging by his mother regarding his average class performance was driving him nuts and lack of appreciation for his co curricular activities was equally frustrating. Luckily the eye specialist counselled his parents and they realized their mistake and made amends well in time and today the boy is happily married and doing very well in life.

Another little boy known to me was a natural left hander. His mother thought that it was somehow wrong to allow him to write with his left hand. At a very tender age she would insist on him writing with the right hand. The boy found it difficult to write with the right hand and his writing would be barely legible. With time he did overcome the problem but his initial years in school were nothing to remember by. He lacked speed in writing and would never finish his class work in time or note down his home work. His mother would go to the house of a class mate to make a note of his home work and the little boy would often act pricey. His mother would find sadistic pleasure in making her wait saying that her son needed to finish his home work and could give her his book only after that. The mother would vent her anger on the little boy and immediately compare him with his smarter younger sister. I agree that with the passage of time and a lot of help from his mother the boy finally answered his boards and came out with flying colors. But I also wonder if a lot of frustration could have been avoided if only the boy had been allowed to use his left hand and let him be as nature had made him. I am perhaps over reacting but I do feel that the importance accorded to academics is quite a burden on our youngsters. This is exactly why I welcome the proposal by the CBSE board that a student be assessed not only by his/her curricular proficiency but also take into consideration, their extra and co - curricular interests and give due credit to these too.

We recently had a seminar on "Teen age suicides - a burning problem faced by society". Some of the points highlighted were interesting. Not all these suicides are the result of unrealistic parental expectations. But some are. Our teen agers are facing tough competition and a lot of peer pressure. They may not show it but they do realize that parents spend much beyond their means to educate them and it is not easy for a child to say that he/she would prefer to study a subject of his/her choice at a pace suited to them. As a result we have a generation of engineers who would rather be free lancers and/or doctors who'd rather take up a research oriented career. So it is imperative for parents to refrain from imposing their will on their wards and support them in their choice in whatever way they can.

A family friend had two sons who are into biological research at an age when their friends are minting money as IT professionals. Both the boys got admission to medical colleges but refused to join. Their parents encouraged them to follow the dictates of their heart. But their extended family was heard to whisper that the boys were perhaps poor students who had no option but to work as poorly paid research scholars. After all did not the soft and hard ware jobs absorb even the average and below average students and train them for jobs? All this talk of the boys being oriented towards research went over their heads. According to them the boys were worse than the very average among their peers. So what if they qualified for the prestigious Junior Research Fellowship/ scholarship grant and worked under eminent advisors and guides or if they published paper after paper in internationally recognized journals? They were dudds and that was it. In fact the older among them could not get married initially because parents of eligible girls found his scholarship money inadequate for their daughters. The boy is now happily married to a fellow research scholar who understands his passion for research work. So, at least in his case, rejection actually worked in his favor. To be stuck up with a demanding wife would have been worse than remaining a bachelor all his life.


Well, all I can say is this. Each child is unique and deserve to be treated thus. Let us be their props if possible. If not, let us not act as their detractors. They'd be better off without us deciding for them and on their behalf.

Is happiness a relative phenomenon?

The visitor hasn't visited me for a while now but she was kind enough to forward this article (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/30/opinion/30brooks.html?src=me&ref=homepage) to me by mail. I had been thinking of something along the very lines recently and this article just endorsed my opinion on the definition of happiness. This particular line from the article caught my attention. I quote -

'The overall impression from this research is that economic and professional success exists on the surface of life, and that they emerge out of interpersonal relationships, which are much deeper and more important'.

I had written a post on a story -(http://hiphopgmom.blogspot.com/2010/03/happy-womens-day.html ) that Dr. Mahalik narrated during a seminar in our college. the gist of the story is that women are happy when man's will is not imposed on them and they are allowed to deal with life's situation in their own way and as they deem fit and appropriate. I happened to refer to the story while talking to a friend. what she told me set me thinking.

"My husband had always allowed me to do things just as I wished and he had absolute trust in my discretionary powers. I wanted my name to be included as middle names for my sons and he heartily welcomed the idea. Whenever we had visitors at home he'd arrange for extra domestic help and never expect me to compromise on my time or schedule. We were never hard up for money and our children were above average and gave us no cause for concern. Yet, I was not happy. I wanted him to give me more of his time but thatwas one thing he could not spare. He had a busy scedule and was always helping someone or the other during his free time. So while the story makes a lot of sense it is not applicable to all. Individual needs vary and happiness is a relative term''. She said.

What is it that makes the world a happy place? Money and material things that money is able to buy do not give happiness. The pleasure felt when one progresses materialistically in life does not last long. I remember an incidence that took place within a month of my joining college. We had an examination and since an invigilator was absent I was asked to substitute. A week later I was paid Rs. 6/- as remuneration and this came as a surprise because I was not even aware that invigilation duty fetched extra remuneration. I remember thinking to myself that I would go home by share auto that day instead of the usual mini bus. I suddenly felt rich. I do not recollect whether I really took an auto rickshaw to get home. But I do recall the happiness I felt on getting an extra remuneration of Rs. 6/- and on being able to afford a return trip by share auto. Such joy is not felt now when I commute by my own car. There are several entrance exams held on Sundays for which we are sometimes given a remuneration of upto Rs. 350/- per sitting. But the Rs. 6/- that I first received stands apart and is very special. So perhaps money fetches happiness only if it is obtained when its need is acutely felt.

With my children settled I should be reasonably happy because I do not have to worry about them. And in fact I am happy for them as well as for myself. But moments of depression do set in when I wonder if I was wrong in aiming high for them. Would it have been better if they lived at an accessible distance rather than aim for the skies? My mother in law was happy to have a son take up a job with Tata Steel and with the family being able to continue to avail TISCO's quarter and medical facility every one was overjoyed. So even with only the basic requirements being taken care of one can be truly happy. But then that brings on another question equally relevant. If one did not aim high how would one progress? Would not lack of ambition cause dissatisfaction and be cause for unhappiness of a different kind?

What then is the solution? A fine balance perhaps. Improving of inter - personal relationships as the article points out and building up mutual trust with those around us may be the answer. Training the mind to look for happiness even in adverse conditions is not easy. However it is not impossible either. Bad as your lot may be, there are many who are worse. A look at them -not with disdain but with concern - is enough to make one realize that even under the circumstances one can find reason to be happy if only one tried.

Happiness unfortunately is not available in super markets and five star hotels. It is just a state of the mind. Unhappiness is the result of a wrong perception of the circumstances. It is here that I admire an aquaintance of mine. She works as a ward girl in a hospital and when her neighbor's daughter got married she gifted 10,000 rupees to her. She borrowed the amount from her provident fund account and repaid it with interest. On the other hand I've heard the wives of high ranking officer's who may never have traveled by public transport in town or by economic class while flying, actually taking home apples and dry fruits that foreign donors send for a government run orphanage for tribal children. They are the one's who are after the accountant ad finance officer's to find out when their arrears would be released and behave as if their lives depended on the money that was due. To my mind the ward girl who I see returning from a night shift when I go for my morning walk spreads more joy than others who have access to a luxurious life.

Let us then try to look for happiness in little things and remember that a society needs happy men and women rather than a wealthy but dissatisfied lot.

On Remembering Faces..........

My husband and me are two very different people. He has the memory of en elephant when it comes to remembering faces and I take a longer time to register faces and may be once registered I try to remember them. There have been occasions when I've looked at a person and thought 'he/she looks a lot like 'so and so' only to find out that she/he is indeed the so and so I took him/her to be. If there are two similar looking people I have to see them together to make out who is who. So I was thrilled this morning when I met a person after nearly 15 years and in about 5 minutes after meeting her I actually remembered her as R's mother. Of course by then she had finished greeting me, enquiring after my children, wished me goodbye and gone ahead. Like a tube light her identity flashed in my mind only after she had gone some 50 metres ahead of me and I truly regretted at not having asked her about R. But then that's me.

That reminds me of another such situation. My husbands insists on a morning walk and will take no excuses from my side to give it a miss. during our walks we would often see a woman, in her late thirties perhaps, walk past us. My husband likes to boast on his ability to recognize faces even after a lapse of 50 years and relishes the fact that I cannot place a person whom I may have only slightly known. Take it from me that I am not that bad. Now coming back to this girl, I'd often see her looking at us and turning away.

"Do you recognize her?"-my husband.
"No, who is she" - me.
"SN's oldest daughter."

I then remembered. SN was a colleague of my husband who passed away leaving behind 4 children. His wife had preceded him. The oldest girl was married and the son in law was unemployed. The other three children were minors the youngest being just 6 years old. His only son was perhaps in the 9th or 10th standard. My husband's departmental colleagues took it upon themselves to support the family for the few months before his settlement dues could be cleared. Being children they did not realize that with the father no more and hardly any savings they could not make atrocious demands when others were paying for their upkeep. Finally when the question of the dead man's settlement came an uncle cropped up from nowhere and the unemployed son in law wanted to have a lion's share of the amount saying that he was their guardian. The director of my husband's department deputed him to take an appropriate decision after judging the merit of the situation. My husband can be very adamant when he feels upto it. He brushed aside the claims of the maternal uncle and the son in law and suggested that the provident fund and gratuity amount and other dues may be fixed with the company and the interest be given to the family till the youngest child turned 18. He was accused of foul play in connivance with vested interests in the department but he stuck to his decision. The maternal uncle and the son in law were terribly upset and threatened my husband of dire consequences. The children- all four of them came - home with their brother in law and expressed faith in him and requested my husband to sign the papers in his favor and when he refused the very girl who crossed us on the road had some very unpleasant things to say about my husband. I remembered getting upset and asking my husband to wash his hands off the whole thing. We then lost touch but the department stood by my husband's decision.

In a flash the whole story came to my mind and I wondered if the girl was still upset with us although 18 years had lapsed. We were soon to know the rest of the story.

On a Sunday morning the girl stopped us and asked if we remembered her. Having some time in hand my husband asked her how the family was doing.

"Not a day goes by when we do not think of you uncle" the girl said.

"My sisters finished college and are now married. The youngest one got married last year. My brother is now employed and plans to marry soon. My husband works as a pathologist and earns enough to support us. My son is in college and daughter in high school. Thanks to your intervention we were able to make do with the amount Tata Steel gave us as monthly interest and we had enough money left to get my sisters married. As for my uncles, they abandoned us when they learnt that no money was coming their way. Were it not for you, my uncles would have controlled our finances and left us paupers in no time. My husband was young and inexperienced as were the rest of us. We had said a lot of unpleasant things about you. My uncle had convinced us that you were out to swindle money and that at the end of it when my sister turned 18 we would get nothing. With time we realized what you had done was actually a favor. I was hesitant to talk to you after all that had happened. I could not restrain myself today. Our family is greatly obliged to you and we will remember you always."

We were speechless for sometime not knowing what to say. The girl then invited us to her house and we left after promising her that we would definitely do so in the near future.

A few days later my husband pointed to another man and said the he was the uncle who set the children against him. The uncle stayed in the neighborhood and had yet abandoned these children who had lost both parents within a span of three years. I just could not digest it.

"i think it was good he abandoned them"said my husband. "Had he been in touch he might have swindled the meagre amount these children got as interest."

And he was right. So what if he takes pride in being able to recognize faces!





'

Happy Women's Day!!

My husband and me are two very different people. He has the memory of en elephant when it comes to remembering faces and I take a longer time to register faces and may be once registered I try to remember them. There have been occasions when I've looked at a person and thought 'he/she looks a lot like 'so and so' only to find out that she/he is indeed the so and so I took him/her to be. If there are two similar looking people I have to see them together to make out who is who. So I was thrilled this morning when I met a person after nearly 15 years and in about 5 minutes after meeting her I actually remembered her as R's mother. Of course by then she had finished greeting me, enquiring after my children, wished me goodbye and gone ahead. Like a tube light her identity flashed in my mind only after she had gone some 50 metres ahead of me and I truly regretted at not having asked her about R. But then that's me.

(To be continued later since I remember that I have something more interesting to share.)


We had a very good programme about 'Feminism in Oriya Short Stories' in our college and we were entertained to an inspirational as well as humorous lecture by Dr. Satya Priya Mahalik who has received several awards for his contribution to Oriya literature. I wish to share a story recounted by him.

A wise ruler of a small estate in Orissa lost a battle against a more powerful emperor and was taken captive. The emperor had given orders for beheading him the following day when he thought that man was going to die anyway so why not ask him a question that had been bothering him. If he answered the question the he would set him free and if he didn't then beheading him would be justified and no one would blame him. So he sent word for the captive king to be brought and asked him to explain how women could be made happy. The question naturally baffled the captive king who was himself unmarried and had not dealt with a wife. He then asked the emperor if there was a specific reason for asking him the question. The emperor replied that however hard he tried his queen was never satisfied or happy. So he was willing to set his captive free and return his kingdom if he came up with a satisfactory answer.

The captive king asked to be released on parole for a year during which time he would seek out people from different walks of life and try to get an answer to the question. He would return in a year's time and would gladly accept punishment if his solution was unacceptable to the queen.

The king saw no harm in granting the man a parole of one year because finding a means to please his queen was far more important.

The captive king travelled across the entire length and breadth of the country and met all kinds of people but none gave him a satisfactory answer. While some said gold and silver would please the queen others suggested that silks and chiffons of the best variety would do the job. While some felt that travelling to exotic destinations would brighten up her spirits others said a court jester could be hired to lighten her mood. But none of these solutions seemed good enough. Finally an old hag living all by hersl in a dense forest came up with a solution. But there was a condition attached.

"In case my solution appeals to the queen and you are set free, you will have to marry me."

Now our captive king was young and had his whole life before him. The thought of marrying this wrinkled old woman was not very attractive but the lease of life promised by the emperor was. He therefore agreed.

He went an conveyed the solution to the emperor. The emperor was impressed. But he had to confirm if the solution offered was acceptable to the queen.

" Oh my beloved queen" said the emperor. " would you be happy if I allowed you to use your wisdom discretion and decide things for yourself instead of trying to impose my will on you? In other words would independence to exercise your will make you happy?"

" Would you really let me do so?" the queen could not believe what she heard. " If you grant me the freedom to act independently and decide things for myself I'd be overjoyed and will give you no reason to complain."

The emperor was glad to have found a solution to his problem and set his captive free. But there was more trouble in store for the king since he had to marry the old hag as per his agreement with her. Being an upright and honest king he went back to the old hag and offered to marry her. His subjectes were upset by his choice but they had no option but to attend the wdding and pretend to be happy.

On the night of the wedding the king entered his nuptial chamber and found a beautiful young girl sitting on the bed. He was pleasantly surprised and asked her how this miracle had taken place. She replied that she had been granted a boon and could change forms twice a day. She could be an old hag or a young woman for 12 hours and get tranformed into the other form for the remaining 12 hours.

"Oh king!" she asked "tell me whether you want me to be a beautiful woman by night and an old hag during the day or if you would prefer to have it the other way around.'

The king was in a fix. Having a beautiful wife during the day would boost his public image but having to spend the night with an old hag would affect his married life. Then a solution flashed in his mind. Taking cue from the solution he offered the emperor the king said-

"My dear queen and my beloved wife, I leave it to you to use your intelligence wisdom and logic and decide for yourself what form you would wish to take and when. As for me, I am okay with both arrangements ."

The queen then decided to remain beautiful and charming right through the 24 hours of a day and our king was rewarded not only with a lease of life but a beautiful and intelligent wife to lead it with.

If only women of today are left to deal with life's situations in their own way we may not even have the need to celebrate a women's day to clamor for it. Mutual trust is all that is required.

Happy Women's Day to all of you.

A word about Dr. Satya Priya Mahalik. He is the 10th and youngest child in his family the other nine being his older sisters. He says that he has no hesitation in admitting that he helps his wife out in housework and takes pride in fact that he can do everything from cooking to cleaning. We need more husbands like you Dr. Mahalik!!

I began the post to say something else but ended up doing a woman's day post. The earlier part in italics has been deliberately left to be continued later.

On Spiritual Gurus and Swamijis.........

This post has been selected for BlogAdda's Spicy Saturday Picks. Thank you BlogAdda for the recognition.

Of late we have been tortured with non stop information about 3 godmen and their activities. TV channels never seem to have enough of sensational news and the hype they create. Sickening is the word and I truly long for the good old days when DD I was all we had and the remote was unheard of. As it is I watch very little TV with my husband monopolising TV time and deciding to switch channels every 2 minutes. Thank God for the computer and the fact that he doesn't come anywhere near it unless there is something particular that I want him to read/see like my grandchildren's photograph or a particularly good piece forwarded by my friends. But I digress. Let me come to the point.



We all seem to blame these Swamijis for whatever they are accused of doing. Like for instance we are outraged that Kalki Bhagavan charges 5 lakhs to bless a person or that Bhimananda was supplying girls to important people in and around Delhi. It was Premananda some years back and Nithyananda now. It is time we stopped blaming these godmen and tried to do some introspection. Like the corrupt bribe taking government officials these godmen flourish only due to public support. The person who offers to give Kalki Swamy 5 lakhs to be blessed by him certainly did not get that kind of money by fair means. He seeks the blessing of the swamy not for spiritual upliftment but for success in all his money grabbing endeavors. Correct me if I am wrong.


I wonder why most of these godmen get involved in sex scanadals? Take for instance Swami Nithyananda. Whether the video that was telecast happened to be authentic or morphed is not my question. However, this could not have been done without the support of insiders and it was probably done with the sole intention of extracting money from him. When the man did not yield, the video was put up for public viewing. If the intention was good there were umpteen other ways of bringing him to book other than whipping up public sentiments and increasing the viewership of the news channels. What was the government doing all this while when foreign money was being pumped into the Ashram? That money corrupts is common knowledge. But what are the measures taken to ensure proper channelizing of funds that are being thus collected? What is the purpose served by burning the Ashram and destroying property?



A few years back I was on my way to Chennai. The news of the head of the Kanchi mutt being arrested on murder charges was doing the rounds and I expressed my anguish at the turn of events to a co passenger. He spoke of another Ashram, no less popular, as being used for every conceivable illegal activity and being controlled by the so called devotees who pump in money and therefore have a say in how it should be run. According to him, the very purpose of running an ashram for spiritual upliftment of the masses had taken a beating.



It took several years of penance and meditation for our sages to come up with what we now sum up as Hindu philosophy. They led a restricted life and shunned wordly pleasures. There can be no short cuts to success. Yet we see ashrams coming up over night and each one seems more opulent than the other. Westerners are influenced enough to participate in programmes conducted by them. But not all of those insiders who witness the accumalation of easy money are saints. Some have devious minds and want their pound of flesh so to say. I do not emphasize or overrule the possibility of these godmen - I don't mean anyone in particular - being tempted to lead double lives. They are after all human. My only suggestion is for them to restrict the flow of money and to be as transparent as possible in their dealings. Excessive flow of money causes trouble in ways unforseeable. 'Hasty climbers are soon to fall' claims a popular adage. I feel inclined to believe it when I see the rise and fall of such self proclaimed gurus.



Finally, I do not understand why a person needs to look for god in their fellow human beings and seek enlightenment through them. We all have our own inner voice directing us towards appropriate behavior and should that not suffice? In our own way we too are responsible for propping up these swamijis. Suranga speaks of the joy of giving in her latest post. I agree with every word that she says. One can give food for the hungry and clothes for the needy in a quiet, unassuming way and feel uplifted. One can spend a quiet afternoon in an old age home or orphanage and feel enlightened. Were it not for public support it would never be possible for self styled gurus and swamijis to flourish. It is time we seriously thought of channelizing our time, money and energy for the upliftment of society. Upliftment of the soul will automatically follow.


One last word - this post is not aimed at anyone in particular. Just my anguish over the kind of message we give the world that looks upto India for spiritual guidance and leadership. I do not want my country to be made a laughing stock by sensationalizing such negativities instead of dealing with them in a firm and objective manner. That's all.

Awarded!!

Usha has been kind enough to bestow the kreativ blogger award to me. I am overwhelmed Usha. My rants and rambling monologues are considered kreativ?? Should they be? Well, I suppose so since it is Usha who is saying it. Thank you Usha for the award.

Now the difficult part of sharing seven little known facts about me……….

Difficult because my blog is more of an autobiography and I’ve already shared much of what I feel or do in my posts. So I have to come out with seven secrets that were till now safely stored in my mind.

As a child I loved reading books and it did not matter whether I begged, borrowed or stole them. I remember borrowing a book from a lending library close to a friend’s house and misplacing it. The man charged an anna per day for it and my bill was literally increasing by the day. The friend would pester me in school and I’d promise to get it the next day. I’d conveniently ‘forget’ to get the book the following day. This went on for a week and the friend’s mother landed at our place since the librarian had approached her. My mother had actually put it away while cleaning the house so she returned the book and paid the money. In our days this was a very serious offence and I was properly admonished for borrowing the book without her permission and not telling her about it right away. These days children easily ask for huge amounts as spending money and parents don’t even keep track of where the money is spent. It was not so when I was growing up. Every penny spent had to be accounted for.

I must be the only person who literally cried to leave the boarding school – no, not after my school finals but while returning home for my vacations. It is quite another thing that I would also cry to leave home once vacations were over. On the last day of my hostel life in Tiruchy, six of us close friends spent the night together and wept our hearts out knowing that we would perhaps never meet again. I met only one of them 2 years after I passed out but I really value their friendship till date. We had a great time together.

My results speak of an intelligent mind. But I know better. I always had someone very sincere to study with. This person would not be a very close friend of mine but as in the case of Angammal during my undergrad course, would take it upon themselves to wake me up in the morning or set targets to complete and practically force me to study. During my M.Sc. it was Poonam and the prodding of my husband helped me complete Ph.D apart from the encouragement he gave me during my Masters. So I should be actually giving a good percentage of my marks to them. In fact Angammal’s wake up call on her way to the bathroom at 4;45 IN THE MORNING had benefited our entire block in the hostel and during my combined study sessions at Poonam’s place I was treated to delicious Gujrathi food every afternoon for 7 to 8 months. Thank you Angammal and Poonam I’ll remember you always. I have so much to thank my husband for that he may get puffed up and burst. So I’d rather not tell him anything.

An interesting incident should be enough to explain how much I was pampered by my in laws. We were traveling to Chennai in 1981. The children were young and the journey was long. My father in law who was also traveling with us was helping me manage the children. A fellow passenger pointed out my FIL to my husband who was filling water at Vizag station and said –“Your father in law wants you to get some biscuits for the children. My husband had a tough time convincing him that he was the son and I was the daughter in law. I must be the only daughter in law whose mother in law would encourage her to stand up for her rights as the lady of the house. Thank you amma! I’ll always remember your support during the initial years of my life in Jamshedpur.

I really don’t know how I managed to cook for the family and reach my workplace at seven in the morning by public transport during the early days of my career because I am generally accused of being slow. Those days I did not have a mixer, grinder or a refrigerator. The children were young and the oldest among them had not yet turned 7. If as a slow coach I could achieve so much what would I have done had I been super fast! And my husband may make coffee now. During those days he could not help with cooking or dicing vegetables unlike his younger brother who would pitch in when there were visitors or it was getting late for my co – sister to leave home.

I haven’t yet learnt to say “No” and end up offering my time and energy, sometimes money too to totally undeserving people. My husband likes to blame me though he is no better. My argument is that ‘just on account of a few why punish the majority who are genuine’. I really cannot do much about this. I am like that only.

Finally, I’d give anything up to gain a few inches of height. I am in total admiration of tall people. Again I’d do anything to shed a few pounds. There has been a slow but steady increase in my weight. I was 39 kilos at the time of my marriage and am now 62/63. Why my body hoards food I cannot understand. And to top it I walk at least 5 kilometers on most mornings.

Well, these are seven things about me not very interesting or special but they are part of my nature and will probably remain so. Now to tag seven others and award them as kreativ bloggers………… and here I go!

Vishesh: you wouldn’t believe that a teenager could write such deep felt poetry. I haven’t read him for a while now. But they are a treat whenever I do.

Tys on ice: where has he vanished? He makes you think and laugh at the same time.

Preethi’s chronicle: first time I am tagging her. But her account of little V makes an interesting read.

Smitha: Her entry for the IWD contest is really worth reading. Her Jamshedpur connection makes me biased in her favor.

Smi: She has the courage to offer to adopt me for a mother in law. She may not have read this post of mine!

Gauri: of tiny tid bits. Her abhayisms make one remember the times when my own children were young. Writes very well.

Renu: whose anubhooti discusses every relevant aspect of life.

Abusive relationships (Contd.)

In my previous post I had asked “What makes a woman put up with an abusive relationship? Is it love alone or is there a fear factor involved? Is divorce a solution?”

I think not. Not unless a strong will to confront the abuser is involved as the following example illustrates.

If J married a man of her choice, G had an arranged marriage. Her husband was a bank manager and they were married after their horoscopes were duly matched and declared very compatible. G was a small town girl and in awe of life in a metro when she accompanied her husband to New Delhi. Three months after her marriage her mother came to Delhi to invite the couple to come over to Ajmer to celebrate the first Deepavali after marriage. She saw the girl cooking in aluminum vessels and was surprised to hear that her husband had rented a bank locker to put away all the steel ware and other costly items given to her at the time of her marriage. The mother being worldly wise and experienced realized that the girl was being taken for a ride and began investigating her son in law’s credentials. The truth was bitter. The son in law was victim to every bad habit one could think of and had sold off not only her jewelry and silver ware but also her costly saris and steel ware. He was heavily into debt and drew only a fourth of his salary. When negotiations with his family failed, the mother insisted on a divorce and the court granted it within a year. The family moved to interior Tamilnadu.

As luck would have it G’s mother died in an accident soon after the divorce came through. Her father was a mild mannered person who had let his wife handle things. G’s husband took advantage of the situation and began to pester them again. He would visit them from time to time and ask for money. He had been dismissed from his bank job and found sadistic pleasure in torturing G and her father. He would buy stuff from the local store on credit and the shop owner would come to their doorstep to ask for money. He would pop up from nowhere when she went out and snatch her purse and take out whatever money she had managed to earn by coaching school children. The father could take it no more and died soon after. Her younger brother, who had faced the loss of both parents even before he finished college, took up a job and soon married a colleague and G had absolutely no one to turn to. Someone suggested that the local church needed someone to sweep and swab the place and would give the person food and shelter in the convent as well as a nominal remuneration. Would she be interested in working for them? She felt that it was the best option available and agreed to work there although the church insisted on conversion. Religion had no relevance to a woman in her position and anyone who could shelter her from the abusive husband was Almighty personified as far as she was concerned. Relatives and their so-called well wishers criticize G but do they have a right to do so? What kind of protection does a woman like her have under the circumstances? She is a distant relative of mine. I had suggested that she come over to Jamshedpur. Our town, being far from her native place in Tamilnadu, would perhaps be beyond the reach of her husband. She was good at sewing ladies and children’s garments and I could get orders for her from my college. She could stay at our place for the first few months and move out later once she established herself. Her sister and aunt vetoed the idea saying that it was too far away from their place and should she face any problem it would be difficult for them to attend to her. However, I am glad she found a safe haven in a convent. This was perhaps the best solution.

Take the case of Sa whose marriage to her colleague KS came as a surprise to anyone who knew the two of them. She was a convent educated, brilliant girl from an affluent background with a promising future and had taken up a job in a primary school just to keep herself occupied. She was preparing for competitive exams and hoped to make it to the administrative service or a nationalized bank. KS, on the other hand was an average student from a middle class background and would be happy to see his temporary job in the school regularized. That theirs was a mismatch was evident to all but the couple concerned. Sa’s parents were merely informed that they were getting married in court and they could act as witnesses to the marriage if they so wished. Unable to let down their daughter, they followed her to court and later to their house with a whole lot of household goods and stuff. With time they became fond of their son in law and he reciprocated in good measure. Sa got a job in a reputed bank and left her job in the school. Soon a crack in the seemingly good relationship between them began to show. The couple had a son who was growing very fond of his father. Sa then decided that she would divorce KS before further damage was done and their son began to miss his father. The world blamed Sa and declared her head strong and willful. Her parent’s plea fell on deaf ears. She had decided to divorce her husband of 5 years and that was the end to the story of their marriage. No questions were asked or answered. One later heard different versions of their failed marriage but nothing was confirmed or denied. But today we know that KS was into drugs and alcohol and also had a weakness for women and it was only fair that Sa withdrew herself from his life keeping her son’s future in mind. If she had gotten into a messy relationship she was smart enough to come out of it. She was certainly not going to let the world decide for her. I do not know for sure if their relationship was an abusive one. I, for one felt that Sa had perhaps pre-empted an unsavory situation before much damage was done.

I stand by my claim that an abusive relationship cannot be addressed by anyone except the concerned persons and that too not unless one wants to. It requires a lot if inner strength to stand up against an abusive partner. Divorce too cannot offer protection as G’s case indicates nor can relatives or friends - much as they may want to. It is for the person concerned to decide what the best option would be under the given circumstances.

Abusive relationships.

I've been tagged by Suranga to participate in the International women's day contest held by Indus Ladies.
Please click on the graphic on the left for details.

The following is my entry under the category:"Relationship Issues". Happy reading.


Abusive relationships


Any relationship is difficult to define but an abusive one between a man and woman has baffled those who view it from outside. What is it that allows a woman to remain in an abusive relationship is difficult to explain let alone justify.

J was the first born to affluent parents. Her father was a practicing lawyer and her mother was a home - maker. As a child she was a little charm and everyone would want to carry her around. She studied in a reputed school in town and though not a bright spark she was not a dull head either. She was an average student who managed to pass in all subjects. She was however inclined towards cultural activities and regularly participated in music contests and the like. Seeing her interest in learning formal music her parents engaged a tutor to teach her Hindustani classical music. It was then that trouble began.

To cut a long story short she eloped with her music teacher when she was barely 16 only to realize that he was not the prince charming that she took him to be. He was addicted to alcohol and barely earned enough to make ends meet. She was around 18 years of age when her daughter was born and things became worse. Being regularly beaten up for money from her parents she would have no option but to approach them just to save herself. Her parents urged her to leave him and come home with her daughter and to pursue her studies. She initially resisted the idea of leaving her husband but finally relented. She was enrolled in a local college which though not the best was close to her home. She had by now lost her self - confidence as well as self esteem and was a mere shadow of her former self. She however managed to pass the first and second year of her degree course when her husband came begging for forgiveness. He pleaded with her, claimed that he loved her dearly and would commit suicide if she did not agree to accompany him to their house. He promised to look after her and their daughter. Her parents said that she was free to go with him if she wanted to but not before finishing college and obtaining a degree. There was a tussle between her head and heart and the latter won. She went away with him a second time without wishing her parents goodbye.

The beatings and abuse that had earlier become part of her life resumed and the husband had now become a drug abuser as well. He actually needed money to buy drugs and what better way to obtain it than to beat up his wife and sending her crawling to her parents for it! This time around he had acquired a mistress who added fuel to the fire by regularly complaining about her to the husband who in his drunken stupor would beat her up with even more vehemence. She had no option but to approach her parents once again who were wise enough to insist on a divorce as conditional to her being allowed to return to them. The girl is back and after a break of three years plans to finish college and take up a job. However, the possibility of her ex husband influencing her and luring her back cannot be ruled out.

What makes a woman put up with an abusive relationship? Is it love alone or is there a fear factor involved? Is divorce a solution?

Education and financial independence can address the problem to some extent but the real solution comes from within. One cannot compromise on one’s dignity and self respect. Loving a person immensely is fine but allowing him/her to take advantage of the situation and abuse one is quite another matter. The line between compromise and adjustment is thin but it is there all the same. One just needs to identify it.

I tag Usha, Eve's lung and apu and invite them to participate in the IWD contest.

Intuitions and premonitions

Do you believe in premonitions? I think I do. I had mentioned about Dr. N.K. Singh, the founder of our college, in an earlier post. This year he wanted to celebrate Saraswati Pooja on Basant Panchami day in the premises of his school for the first time since he took charge. He invited practically everyone he knew as well as those who had contributed to the school in any way. He personally invited a good number of his former colleagues and associates. I was also an invitee. We were treated to a delicious ‘Khichri bhog’ and entertained to a music competition by his students. The teachers and other staff members were like a close knit family and I was reminded of the times when we’d have a similar get together in our college premises. That was long back when our founder principal was alive and the same family spirit prevailed in our college too. ‘Sir’ as we fondly call Dr. N.K. Singh was not in excellent health since he was recuperating after some health setbacks but he was in excellent spirits. We met him personally to enquire after his health and he in turn made fond enquiries about our well - being. He particularly remembered the dal prepared by my colleague’s mother who had treated him to excellent home food long back when her husband was alive and he was a frequent visitor to their place.

“No one prepares dal quite they way you do. It simply does not taste the same.” He said.

“No problem” said the lady. “You can come over anytime. I’ll have it ready for you”.

“I’ll definitely come over once the weather gets warmer” he said.

Those present wanted to know what was so special about the dal she prepared. He replied that he really did not know but it had neither spices nor flavoring agents but tasted very good. There was magic in her hands. Someone joked that in that case we all would like to taste her preparation!

Somehow all this kind of disturbed me. On my way back I remarked that it appeared as if Dr. N. K. Singh wanted to meet his old friends and other well wishers in person and used the Saraswati puja get together as an excuse. I wondered aloud if he had some pre monition about his not being well enough to celebrate another Saraswati puja.

Fifteen days later he passed away. His body was brought to our college and we gathered to give him a tearful farewell. We feel orphaned. But that is not my point. I wonder if he understood that his days were numbered or was it just chance that we got together on Saraswati puja day?

Mrs. Sinha was our neighbor for more than 13 years and was very fond of my children. She had a soft corner for my son and would take him to her house from the time he was a month old. He grew up calling her husband uncle papaji. She’d look after him when I went to work and he hadn’t started regular school. They shifted to another part of the town and Rahul soon forgot them but she hadn’t. She would enquire after him whenever we met and when he visited her after finishing college she hardly recognized him. To her, he was the small boy in his pre – teens whose toys she would store in her almirah when other children bullied him or the little boy who would cuddle by her side on hot summer afternoons to listen to a story. She would be fiercely possessive about his belongings and regularly complain to me about how innocent he was and how other boys took advantage of his generosity.

In the early February of 2006 she died. We had returned to Jamshedpur on the very day after spending a week at Ooty and Coonoor. Rahul had come to India he had arranged for the trip to celebrate my birthday. I had studied in Coonoor and we visited my old school. It was as if she waited for Rahul to arrive before breathing her last. Mr. Sinha remarked that she loved him like a son and had perhaps beckoned him to stand alongside her son at the cremation. She had earlier expressed her desire to accompany us on our trip when she heard that Rahul was landing at Chennai and we planned to leave for Ooty from there. It was only due to her indifferent health condition that I was reluctant to take her along.

The logical side of my brain tells me that these were chance incidences. But could both be just co – incidences? They say that all of us emit vibes and one feels connected due to them. The sixth sense sometimes works overtime we have an intuition of things to come. My sister recalls how she felt the urge to enquire after my ailing mother and rang up at around 10 at night. My mother had gone to bed but on hearing that it was my sister who was calling, she got up and spoke to her. She died in her sleep that very night.

There is a lot about brain chemistry that we do not know. However, it is not unusual for one to feel connected to or repelled by a complete stranger. An organization called ‘vazhga valamudan’ advises people to send positive vibes to all known and unknown people. They finally ask us to wish our enemies, if we have any, well. The idea behind is that positive feelings and good will to all is beneficial not only to the person who receives it. It does wonders to the person who sends it. I always wish that a person who is hell bent on making life miserable for me should become the president of USA or prime minister of India. They should reach dizzy height and never look down so that I may lead a peaceful life.

“Vazhga Valamudan”! This can roughly be translated as “May you prosper”. I say this to one and all of you!

On Parenting............

There are times when I feel glad that my role as a parent has taken a back seat and I no longer have to worry about my children’s education or career. I’ve done my bit and can afford to play computer games while listening to carnatic music. Parenting rules seem to have changed drastically and what applies to one set of parents need not work in the case of others. Was it so earlier, I wonder? The Hindustan Times devoted a full page on parenting techniques and has my head reeling. Are my daughters who are currently raising kids having it tough or is this the scenario in Asian countries I wonder. Somehow the pressure in India seems endemic and self-imposed.

When I was growing up our mothers were there to see to it that we sat with our books for an hour or two before dinner and once dinner was ready we packed up and no one bothered if our home - work was half done or undone. Teaching us was the teacher’s job and they really put their heart and soul into it and drilled and filled our minds with the basics of each subject so much so even the average and below average students had a fair grasp of the subject. The school did not interview parents or bothered if the parents were qualified enough to teach their children. Teachers praised or punished the children according to their performance and it was usually taken as part of school life.

These day teachers are scared to say anything to an errant student. For all you know the child may run away or jump into the nearest water body and the teacher would be blamed. Are parents in a better position? I am afraid not. They fall flat at the child’s feet and give in to every whim. The explanation is that their parents lacked the means and could not afford to indulge them. But by God’s grace they are better placed and of what use was money if the child’s demands could not be fulfilled? The child grows up believing that he/she has a right to make atrocious demands and cannot take ‘no’ for an answer. Psychologists say that suicide rates among teenagers are on the rise. Like teachers, parents too are scared to impose rules on their children. The slightest rebuke or an occasional corrective measure cannot be handled by children and they feel depressed over issues that those of my generation would have ignored or accepted as idiosyncrasies of the previous generation. We would have had mimicry sessions and laughed our lungs out in private but certainly did not contemplate drastic measures like running away from home or committing suicide. We faced stiff competition even at home and grew up to be a tough lot.

Having said this do I have any solutions to offer? I do.

Parents should be able to draw a line and not try to fulfill every demand of the child even if they have the means. This leads to unhealthy competition in society that is detrimental to its progress.

Every household should have certain rules that have to be obeyed however distasteful it may be to growing children. They may sulk and pout but will understand in the long run.

Parents and teachers should interact and communicate regularly since both have a role in shaping a child’s life. Their role should be complementary and positive.

Children should be allowed to grow at their own pace and to indulge in hobbies of their own interest and choice. Appreciation of the child’s sincere effort even if it does not translate into top ranking levels would go a long way in boosting a child’s confidence.

However much one loves his/her child it should be made clear to the child that there can be no compromise on responsible behavior and basic etiquette. Regular and open communication helps and the child should be allowed to give his/her side of the story in case of unacceptable behavior.

Lastly, the child should be made to understand that there are several other children who are less privileged but they do not give up easily. Rather they work harder to reach the goal that those better off achieve easily. When I say less privileged I mean financial, physical as well as mental setbacks.

However, as I mentioned in my last post, each situation is unique and every parent/child equation different. Becoming a parent is easy but being one is not. You may ask if I practised what I now preach. I had it easy because I lacked the means. It is tough on the current generation of parents who have to make hard decisions. Good luck to each one of you and God bless your families.

A victim Of Repetitive disorder - that's me!!

Those of you who feel that I tend to be repetitive remember that I AM AGEING!!

I keep worrying about the kind of mother in law I’d make. Oh, yes I am already mother in law to two fine young men but mother in lawing a daughter in law would be different or so I am led to believe. Long back my mother’s friend told her in my presence that it was easy to deal with a son in law. The retired husband could be at his service, talk about politics and other such stuff while all one needed to do was to supply regular doses of coffee speak of a few sentences from behind the curtain and depute the daughter to take care of things. She of course talks of the 1960’s scenario. Things have changed now to the extent that we MILs do not address the sons in law from behind curtains and doors but we still cannot take things for granted the way one can with a daughter in law.

‘Really??’ I can almost hear my daughter number one ask. ‘High hopes mummy!’

I suppose the ‘Tu, tu, main, main’ of Sachin’s brilliant tele - serial is meant to be laughed off and forgotten. I loved the serial and adored the MIL – DIL duo. I truly wish to have a DIL like her to make life spicy. I promise to add more spice to it. Okay, okay I’ll try to do my best. So here are some of my specifications-

My daughter in law should be a third daughter to me. She has my permission to gang up with my daughters to pull my legs and tease me to death if she wants to. I wouldn’t be able to deal with too much politeness and formality. I am just not used to it.

She can feel free to cook any kind of exotic dishes as long as they are vegetarian. I am game to all forms of trial and error being tried out in my kitchen. My own mother in law was an excellent house - keeper and cook. I learnt a lot from her and now I plan to learn more from my daughter in law too. So dear unknown daughter in law - simply go ahead you have my support!

I’d love it if my DIL loved books. We could have lively discussions on the plot and characters. And hopefully she’d be sensitive to social issues. I have a group of friends who are just that.

I would feel very uncomfortable if I got a decked up doll for a daughter in law. The kind that keep worrying about make up and matching accessories. She’d be equally disappointed with my casual dress sense. We may end up complaining to our respective husbands who would not know how to deal with the situation and support the wrong person. I can bet on the fact that my husband would do just that and it is quite possible that my son would take after him. It was a mutual agreement with my own MIL that we’d pull out each other’s hair if need be, but never involve our husbands.

But wait; are not these liberties the priority of a daughter? So I suppose that I am actually looking out for a daughter in my daughter in law and hope that she tries to see her mother in me.

Okay that was meant to be funny. A look around me tells a different tale. I see quite a few daughters in law who has become part of the family they married into and the affection they shower on their parents in law is often extended to me. Not all of them are part of a joint family but I can see that a bond has been struck and the comfort level in the relationship is good. Money, or the lack of it, hardly seems to matter. In fact I have often seen that a certain amount of interdependence actually helps people bond.

There are other families where the daughter in law has been married for 30 years but is yet to consider her mother in law an important member of the family. A lady I know is financially sound and in reasonably good health. She is well read and at the age of 80 she passes her time reading the day’s newspaper and solving cross - word puzzles. She is mild mannered and cannot harm a fly let alone other fellow human beings. Her only fault is perhaps the fact that she is far too self respecting and insists on paying a fixed amount every month for her upkeep. She feels that since she is in a position to pay she would not want to burden her children. Is it any wonder that she is treated like a tenant in their homes? Not wanting to burden the children is fine but I do feel that one does not have to carry it too far. One can always camouflage the amount as a gift on a special occasion or a surprise holiday package for the son and his family or some such thing. My own parent in law had exhausted their financial resources even before I entered the scene. But it was clear from day one that they headed the family and we were expected to take over. Even before I realized it I became one among them and once I started working my father in law’s presence in the house was actually a boon. He took care of practically everything including the children’s homework and the launderer’s account. A certain amount of interdependence as well as the will to bond is perhaps required for any relationship to thrive.

There can however be no generalization in the matter. Each case is different and every equation is unique and it is only the persons concerned that have work on whatever is best for them. There is no magic formula that can be safely applied to all

Welcome Year 2010!

A very happy year 2010 to all of you.

I’ve taken a long time to post anything mainly because my daughter and children were here and I was having fun time with them. They however left on the 15th and my much neglected health started clamoring for attention. A bad cold needs to be pampered and not ignored. I did just that and it simply wouldn’t go. Not that it has gone now but having taken notice of it and treated it with respect it is now subdued and has agreed to lie low and leave in good time.

Winter has been severe after a long time. We had almost forgotten that Jamshedpur could be this cold but right when global warming was being discussed at international levels the northern part of India was being treated to an intense cold spell. We thought that it would get warm after Pongal but it didn’t. May be a few weeks more and we’ll be complaining of excess heat!

Cold weather is fine if one had someone to make hot tea and bring it to your bedroom and you could cuddle up in your bed with a novel in hand, soft music playing, and munching fry – ums/peanuts. Here, the husband has to be attended to as if he were a schoolboy, so what if he makes coffee in the morning!

I sometimes wish he wouldn’t make my coffee. Honestly. He makes it at 5:15 in the morning and starts waking me up saying that it would turn cold and wouldn’t taste as good if re – heated. Now I have to decide whether to wake up in the cold weather just to drink coffee or re – heat it later and be happy to drink sub standard coffee. To add to my misery my coffee maker can talk and keeps commenting on the quality of his preparation and most of the time I get up, but heat up my coffee that by now has become lukewarm.

My daughter asks me why I cannot insist on making my own coffee later. I too wonder why I don’t. I have no reason but perhaps deep down in my heart I prefer to have coffee prepared by him. Division of labor, I suppose. Like folding bed linen was my job till I stated working. Since I had to leave early for work he took over and now it has become his job. When he is out of town and I have to fold the single bed sheet used by me and put away my pillow, I find myself wishing that he’d return fast!

Yesterday was Basant Panchami and in our parts of India we celebrate Saraswati Puja on this day. I am always in admiration of the Goddess Saraswati who represents knowledge and learning. In contrast to the image of Durga who promises divine justice Saraswati seems to tell us that an intelligent mind can tackle adverse situation and justice would automatically follow. And justice may not always mean retribution. Somehow the principle of ‘an eye for eye and tooth for tooth’ seems wrong. The actual and long lasting justice would be to create a change in the minds of people. Correct me if I am wrong.

Let us therefore make a wish at the onset of a New Year.

Let us wish that we have the courage to say NO to practices like greasing palms and giving dowry just to find the easy way out. It is not easy to go against the tide. But 5 years back we, in our college, did just that. We were to benefit by a higher scale and the notice had reached our office. Those belonging to our group from other college paid the concerned dealing assistant in the university Rs. 500/- each to get it implemented. We resisted. The clerk would send extra money but ‘forget’ to mention how it may be utilized in the covering letter. In the following month the college would be directed to pay us the difference but money would be short. This went on for a year when a particularly strict IAS officer took over acting VC of the university. Unable to explain why a particular group from a specific college was being denied the scale the clerk quietly released the money out of fear of action against him. So a tough helmsman can make a difference is what we learnt. We again hear that the 6th pay recommendations would be implemented only if a certain amount is coughed up. Many in my college want to pay up. But I insist that we wait till the budget is presented to see how the university is going to explain why we are being denied the benefit. Patience is required and by god’s grace I have plenty of it. And the fact my colleagues pay heed to my words is comforting. I do hope I continue to be loved and regarded in the same manner till retirement.

A very happy year 2010 to all of you and do continue to pamper me because I am soon entering my 60th year and may soon go through the second childhood phase!