Thursday, June 29, 2017

Domestic violence -The other side of the story

I am not sure if this letter will be well received. You are bound to feel upset and I won’t be surprised if you call me a ‘hen pecked’ husband. But I have to make my point and leave it to you to save the situation if you feel that I am right. Or rather that I am not wrong.

Point no. 1- Mine was not a love marriage. You chose Rashmi for me and I went by your choice. You wanted a fair, well educated girl from a decent upper middle class family to take charge of the household after you. I had no say in the matter and was regularly told that you and appa as parents would select a girl who would double up for the daughter you never had. It is quite another thing that you were supposed to bring me a wife – not a sister. Till today I have not complained. Yes, she has her shortcomings but then I have mine too. In the two year of our marriage we are still getting to know each other. Why don’t you do the same and try to understand things from her perspective? 

Point no. 2. – Is it fair that you expect her to cook a fresh meal three times a day considering the long hours she puts in at her office? You won’t let her hire someone to cook, you will neither let me help nor offer to help her yourself and yet find fault with her for not serving a freshly cooked five course meal for dinner. To top it you find the ‘dal’ salty and the ‘sabzi’ bland. How can you expect a girl who spent six years in two different hostels to take over the entire responsibility of running a household as per your terms? She needs time to pick up our ways.

Point no. 3 – Why do you bring up her parents all the time? It is always ‘her mother didn’t teach her to cook’ or ‘her father pampered her so much that she hasn’t learnt to adjust’. You never seem satisfied with the gifts they lavish on me. The suit they gave for my first Deepavali was ‘not worth giving to our driver’ and the diamond ring ‘had to be cross checked at our jewelers for its worth’ after all ‘it may not be real diamonds’. Do gifts really matter? It is just a token gesture. Don't I earn enough?How does it matter? If you keep on finding fault with everything they do, will she ever bond with you? They are her parents. She left her home and parents to share her life with me. But that does not mean that she is no longer their daughter. You resent the phone call she makes to her people, you resent the occasional outing that she plans with her friends and it may not be wrong to say that you resent her very presence in our house. 

You were not like this before. How has the equation changed after Rashmi came into our lives? You chose a wife for me with utmost care but nowadays your day begins with complaints about her and ends with more complaints against her. Appa is better. He is not as insecure as you.

Do you think that I can relax in the privacy of my bedroom? Rashmi takes over from where you left and subjects me to another round of torture by saying nasty things about you. I truly cannot believe what she says. Did you really add salt to the dal only to later complain that it was salty? And were you actually hiding behind the door and listening to her phone conversation?

I was better off without this mess called marriage. Am I not entitled to a quiet evening, with both of you being cordial to each other, where we can all sit together sipping tea and enjoying a normal conversation? If I pay attention to you she pulls a long face and if I go out for a short evening walk with her you get upset. While women can talk about domestic violence I can neither utter a word nor expect you to understand what I go through. People don’t talk about the emotional and mental torture a man goes through when he is caught in the crossfire between his parents and wife. Believe me, it affects my performance at work and my interaction with those around me.

Please try to understand…………………………
I just want some peace of mind and unfortunately it cannot be ordered online. 

This is my final submission for the blogathon # A letter to her . I wrote this piece because I felt that men also suffer in silence and experience the torture of being pulled in opposite directions by two women both clamoring for their attention. I wouldn't know if it qualifies to be called Domestic Violence. But it does cause a lot of agony and impacts their lives in ways that no one wishes to understand.

Note: I would like to read MeenaKandaswamy’s book When I Hit You because I understand that it deals with domestic violence that happens everywhere but society refuses to admit it.  I would love to read what the author has to say and I hope it helps me extend a helping hand to any victim of domestic violence whom I come across.    


DivSu said...

So very well written! Kudos! :)

Anonymous said...

Managing relationships especially those that come in form of extension after kids get married needs tutorials .
We need a compulsory subject to be introduced in our learning years. Let the young minds be taught to accommodate people.

I recently attended my nephews marriage . All through the marriage ceremony the girls Mother was angry, reserved and even refused to smile,
The to be couple are good, qualified and have the best. It is an arranged marriage but both wanted to marry each other from the day one. all agreed that one couldnt ask for better in This case !
Wiser people teach To keep Away egos and make the most of Any given occasion. But wisdom comes late to some and for some it may take another lifetime.

I liked the article . THe topic rather a complex one has been felt to look quite simple by the use of language and a style of writing that is a gift to you. The topic dwells on an angle that is true but often overlooked.

Why should one allow such to happen?
A woman who has brought up her kids and sacrifices so much to bring a smile to her family .. suddenly changes when her family is branching out!

Egos or insecurities? Don't know, so blame it on THE mind set!

Maybe kids could help parents and make them understand their point of view. That is an art that parents should teach their kids in their growing years.

Its not an easy job and one needs to invest time. And does the generation have time ?

Nice article !

Passer by

Hip Grandma said...

Passerby: any relationship is sustained when the people involved are willing to give others the required amount of space. Too much of possessiveness is not only harmful but also suffocating. Mothers are particularly guilty of not being able to accommodate a newcomer, who may compete for the attention of her son, into the family fold. The same mother has no issues with the son in law who may be more demanding and possessive than the daughter in law.

This ought to change.