My Style

This post is my entry for the blogger contest by Women's Web and Trishla eMart to describe a Style of My Own. 

When I look back and remember the years gone by I see that I haven't changed much as far as my style is concerned. I always preferred clothes that were comfortable to wear, easy to maintain and did not strain my purse. As for accessories I prefer to admire them from a safe distance and I have always been in awe of those who can wear earrings that look more like pendants and still feel comfortable enough to carry on normal conversation with those around them. If I ever wore anything expensive I would constantly worry about its safety and miss out all the fun associated with the event. Therefore the diamond earrings that my mother gave were hardly worn as long as she was alive and after she passed away I wore them for a few months for sentimental reasons and put them away because I felt that I would not only lose them to earring snatchers but would gift them parts of my earlobes as well. I think I should give up writing about 'My Style' because you may ask what is so stylish about wearing common everyday clothes. But I don't give up easily and here is a list of what I like or do not like, and I hope that my style would emerge from such a list. So here I go!

I have told you already that comfortable clothes top my list so crisp cottons are my choice any day and anytime. Even among cottons handlooms from any part of India would top my list. Be it saris, salwar kameez or nightwear I am not a great fan of floral prints. Stripes, dots, checks, traditional embroidery are all welcome. Zari - pure or otherwise are not for me.

Pure silk has a grace and beauty of its own but I feel that it's elegance is lost when it has a heavy Zari border and/ or pallu. The focus has to be on the silk so I would go for lightly embroidered silk or silk with small Zari dots and a thin line or two of Zari as a narrow border. Mysore silk would be my first choice and Kanjeevaram would be the next. Printed silk from Murshidabad or Bhagalpur also makes one feel good.

Coming to hairstyle I have almost no hair left so I cannot say much. Last year I visited America and my granddaughters got together and coaxed me to leave my hair loose. They straightened it using a gel and ordered me to leave it alone. I felt so uncomfortable that I couldn't wait to tie it up into a small ponytail. This is in contrast to what I preferred as a schoolgirl when I wanted to leave my long hair loose and my mother would have none of it. She would try different styles of plaiting it but it had to be braided - never left loose.

Thinking of my childhood reminds me of a photograph of me as a sixteen year old in which I couldn't recognize myself. It was taken at the farewell of the teacher of the tailoring school that I attended for a short time before joining college. I had worn jhumkas and a mattal to support the pair of heavy earrings that I was wearing. The mattal is a small chain that is fixed to the earring on one side and has a hook that is fixed to the hair above the earlobe. My mattal had beads too. I was also wearing a long chain with a heavy pendant. So whatever I may say, there was a time in my life when I dressed up for an occasion. Not that don't dress for an occasion now. I do. But it is more out of respect for the occasion and less for myself.

At my age however I prefer salwar kameez to saris for casual wear. There are a group of people whom I meet during my morning walk who had never seen me in a sari. They once saw me in a sari at a temple and said that I ought to wear a sari more often. I had to tell them that I wear a sari to college on every working day and had been wearing saris since my college days. I switched over to salwar kameez after I tripped and fell a couple of times during my morning walk.

As for footwear no high heels for me although with my less than five feet height I should be wearing heels. These days I like durable and comfortable footwear to fancy ones but I admit to having tried fancy ones in my hostel days including high heeled and pointed toed slip ons.

To end I would say that my style is to look presentable and feel comfortable. I can wear almost no jewelry with minimum make up and walk among decked up dolls feeling confident and self assured. That way I need not worry about spilling stuff on a dress or wonder if my hair is messed up or my kohl/eyeliner smudged. I cannot understand why a person would want a new outfit for every special occasion or feel uncomfortable if another person wore a dress similar to theirs. One can wear casuals and yet look stylish if they have the right attitude, carry themselves well and gel with the environment. On the contrary if one dresses up to show off or impress people chances are that he/she will get noticed for the wrong reasons.

Life in America

I am in America now. While here I cannot help comparing my life in India to life here. Which one is better? My heart insists that with all its shortcomings India is better. I suppose with time I may change my opinion if I ever I relocate to America in future. Just as I preferred life in my maternal home to the one I led in Jamshedpur when I first came to the steel city and now swear that no place in the world is as good as Jamshedpur! People tend to adapt but right now I feel ' East or West, India is the best'.

I think I will make a list of what I miss -

I miss the bustle of the morning hours in India. At five in the morning we have morning walkers greeting each other in loud voices -

" Jai Sriram".....

We have a park adjacent to our apartment complex and people of all ages come there for walking, jogging, yoga practice, for chatting with friends, to discuss politics and what not. They stay on till six thirty or seven in the morning only to be replaced by young mothers who have sent their children to school and go to the park for a quick run and also to exchange notes with others of their group. Class tests, excessive home work, a child's illness and the husband's quirks are part of the group discussions that take place simultaneous to those of senior ladies who leave home after sunrise due to gout, arthritis etc. that get affected by the chill morning air.

And then the school vans and auto rickshaws buzzing in and out, the milkman and the domestic helps arriving on the scene. TV programs heard from neighbors' homes with devotional songs playing at full volume and no one seems to object. Sipping my morning coffee from my balcony I don't even have to step out from my house to socialize. Familiar faces, a wave of the hand and a pleasant look that says 'how do you do' is enough to start my day.

In America you wake up to be greeted to deserted roads and an unfamiliar silence. Not a soul in sight one is left wondering whether it is okay to walk down the wooden steps uncertain if the noise would wake up the neighbors.

One went for a morning walk in India, accosting other morning walkers with a nod or a raised hand. On your way back you picked up milk, a packet of bread and fresh vegetables from a local vendor on his way to the market place. You haggle over the price while he outsmarts you by quoting a higher price condescending to give it at a rate that is midway between his and yours. You miss a day and someone or the other enquires after your health and wonders why you were not seen the previous day. Morning walks in the US are different. Known as well as unknown people greet you with a 'hello' and it is evident that they are being polite and you reciprocate. Beyond that they are as wary of you as you are of them. The nearest store is at least one and a half mile away and one has to get past a busy intersection to get there. The traffic baffles you and you prefer to be safe than sorry. Milk, grocery, bread, vegetables and fruits are all bought during the week ends and stored in huge refrigerators. Bargaining?? What's that? Never heard of it in America. The woman at the check out point says 'have a good day' but it is nothing like our roadside vendor who misses us if we took longer than three days to visit the marketplace.

Another thing I miss here is public transport. Anywhere one wishes to go in Jamshedpur we have the choice of taking an auto rickshaw or mini bus. And the town being a small one we reach our destination in a maximum of ten minutes. The rule here is to own a car to be mobile. Each family has two cars land once the child turns 18 she/ he will have a separate car. Now, assuming that we know to drive, isn't it unfair to expect them to have a fourth car for visitors? So we tag along when possible or end up reading books at home most of the time.

And how about the lack of domestic help in America. They are our lifeline in India. Oh, yes we have dishwashers and washing machines in which we can wash a week load of clothes and driers that can dry them up instantly. But at least for me domestic helps are like family. We had Rajamma who worked for me from the time I arrived in Jamshedpur and left us after 22 years. Then Ashok my launderer again an asset who is responsible for starching and ironing my sarees and drycleaning my woolens when winter is over. The clothes are dried out in the sun and ironed without a crease. My interactions  with them help me appreciate their role in our society.

Please don't get me wrong. In an earlier post I had complained that my husband bored me with his opinions on political issues but I seem to miss it now. We usually start our day with it. Reading it on the net isn't the same as hearing him rant and rave over corruption and rising prices of essential commodities.

But I see that all three children of mine have adapted to life in America like fish to water. They don't seem to mind. They want us to relocate and be close to them. I understand their concern and may give in sooner rather than later. But how long it is going to take for me to adapt is to be seen. And to top it I call myself flexible and adaptable till now. I am not sure anymore.

Religion as I see it......

I think my religion is important to me. Not because I think that the religion I was born into is superior or inferior to any other. But because is very accommodative. I can imagine orthodox Hindus giving me cold stares. The caste system having lost the purpose for which it was created, the Hindus belonging to the group that had the benefit of education and the duty of imparting it to others began to consider themselves superior. But would a truly educated and knowledgeable person consider one human being as being superior or inferior to another? How about the group who were given the duty of cleaning up the mess created by others? Are they not the most superior group in that they are making the world a place fit to live in? Were it not for them could the so called educators, protectors and business people lead a comfortable life?

So let us not go by the dictates of the caste system. Let us understand that our religious texts do not differentiate between human beings on the basis of caste, creed or the color of one's skin. It does glorify a person who is true to himself and the society he belongs to. It applauds a person who stands up for one who is subjected to injustice. In fact most Hindu festivals are celebrated to signify that evil forces cannot last for ever. Justice prevails and the negative forces are vanquished. It also means that one need not despair. Bad times will not last forever. It also does not imply that once evil forces are vanquished they're gone forever. The battle between good and evil forces continues and one has to be ever vigilant. It is a reminder that neither good times nor the evil ones last for ever.

I also believe that my religion does not impose strict rules for worship. As a child we had a set of rules. We could not have solid food unless we bathed. The food prepared for the family had to be offered to God before consumption. We had to wash our hands and feet on our return from school before entering the house. In fact children had to take off their school uniforms, put it away to be washed and change before being given snacks to eat. These were hygienic practices and had nothing to do with religion. Religion was brought in to make people follow them. The rules were also meant to bring discipline in one's life and when food was meant to be offered to God one tended be extra careful while preparing it. I for one would suggest that these practices would be good for all people not just Hindus.

Coming back to rules for worship -

As far as I can remember my mother fasted on specific days like ekadasi or restricted herself to a single meal on certain other days. A day was set apart for the God of health and another for the God of wealth. Fasting for the well being of sons and husbands and setting apart special occasions to celebrate the girl child and worshipping her as Durga the goddess of might and valour was also not uncommon. Sisters pray for the welfare of brothers during festivals like Rakhi, Karthik poornima, Makar Sankaranthi and Bhai dooj. So the message one gets is that in a family set up girls as well as boys are important. Fasting and feasting are both important for good health. Every celebration has a significance.

But while during festivals one was treated to special delicacies it is also believed that God could be pleased by offering pure water or a flower or by prostrating or folding one's hand with reverence before starting the day if possible. Even if that was too much it was enough to be good to fellow human beings and kind to animals. Rivers are considered sacred and trees such as Tulasi and Peepal are worshipped. Raw Turmeric is distributed to women during festivals.  All this talk of conserving the ecosystem and preserving the biodiversity on earth has been practiced for ages by our religion by attributing divinity to animals and plants. The cow is worshipped, the snake is found wrapped around Shiva, Durga rides the lion and Meenakshi has a parrot perched on her shoulder. Goddess Lakshmi sits on a lotus, Karthik rides a peacock. Well the list is endless. The ecological pyramid and the food web were understood much later but my religion accords due importance to producers, consumers and scavengers reminding us that ecological balance was possible only when they co-existed.

It is unfortunate that a few have distorted the Hindu way of living to present it out of context. Let us not be put off by them. More than a religion Hinduism is a way of life. It lets a person choose his method of serving humanity. Meditation is considered a way to worship as much as the fanfare associated with temple worship with the blowing of the conch, beating drums and dancing. You could be part of either or neither. You could simply choose to do your duty without expecting rewards. You could rever your parents and your teacher as Gods in human form. No pressure to follow set rituals and no guilt associated when for some reason one is not able to fulfill or practice them.

Is it any wonder that I am comfortable belonging to such a group.

Back to business!!

Hurray!!!!

My research project is over and the final report has been drafted, approved and sent off to be bound. A little bit of writing work - like what was achieved by this work and how it would benefit society etc - remains. But the strain of poring into the microscope and identifying microorganisms is over. 

Did I enjoy my work? Of course I did. Do I want to take up another project? No, thanks. The next generation can continue from where we left. My house and family need my undivided attention. Husband has been sulking for too long and towards the end he even threatened to throw my laptop into the very river that was the subject of our investigation. I don't blame him. As I have said earlier, I am the only friend he has and it has been 14 years since he retired from service. He has his own opinion on political and social issues and cannot wait for me to get home to listen to his point of view. And apart from the time I served him his meals I would sit down with my laptop either  identifying the specimen that were micro-photographed, feeding data into tables or preparing graphs and charts. Sundays and holidays would be utilized for field work or visits to my Principal Investigator's or Ph. D guide's home for discussion. Summer vacation just came and went. I either went to college or worked at home engrossed in my work as usual. Husband was patient enough but became irritable towards the end.

I now come to my question on the issue.

I am passionate about whatever I do and do go overboard at times. But if our roles were reversed and it was my husband who was busy with some project taken up by him would I feel lonely and left out? I think not. 

Instead of sulking and pouting I would have occupied myself with umpteen chores that now remain unattended in the house. For instance I would have cleared the store room and disposed of the old  news papers and magazines. I would have seen to it that the house was tidied up and looked neat when he returned. And I would certainly not expect him to make tea and snacks for me within ten minutes of entering the house. Lastly, I would find some socially productive work to keep myself busy.

I do not know if I am being uncharitable but if our men folk show lack of understanding ( after all my project work would not continue for the next ten years) it is the woman/women who pamper them who has to accept blame. For my part, I agree that I played a role in making my husband an enabler.

The international breast feeding week is on and the Home Science Department of our college held a program to emphasise the importance of breast feeding and the benefits it confers to both mother and child. The program brought back memories of the time when I was a young mother. 

Apart from the health benefits the time one gets to spend while breast feeding one's child is very special. It is a very special time ensuring 'one on one' interaction that helps the child bond with the mother. It makes the baby feel secure and wanted. It makes the mother feel like an achiever because this is one area where a dad cannot pitch in and take over.

I do not mean to undermine a dad's role in this area. Lactation is a physiological process and it is the brain that signals it's onset. It is a husband's duty to see to it that his wife gets adequate time with her baby and is in a relaxed state of mind. While it is important to pay attention to the diet of a nursing mother it is equally important to make her feel special.

So, my advise to young mothers and mothers to be is to enjoy the special role that nature has given you. Internet offers tips - good ones at that - but each child is different and nothing can be generalised. Listen to good advise whether it is from your doctor or grandmother but decide on the requirement for your child yourself. The little one is your responsibility - an extension of you and your husband - and deserves the very best.

Happy parenting!

Nostalgia.......

Feeling nostalgic today. Had the opportunity to relax and listen to old Tamil movie songs of the 60 and 70s. Songs that I would listen to on my transistor while finishing my record work while Vividh Bharati, Radio Ceylon and listeners' choice from AIR, Tiruchy played my favourite songs. These were songs we would be treated to for an hour after dinner before the Silence Hour in our hostel. How much we would nag the seniors in charge of selecting records to play our favourite numbers!

How I wish that I had never grown up and continued to lead that carefree life for ever.

How I wish I never had to learn the bitter truth and harsh realities that are part of life.

Spread the language of love

Spreading the language of love

Four years back we had the the pleasure of celebrating our granddaughters’ birthdays at Jamshedpur. Megha was turning six and Annika two. We combined their birthday celebrations and arranged for a small party for sixty people including 12 to 15 children. The kids had a blast and my granddaughters must have taken back pleasant memories of their two months stay in India Then came the task of sorting out gifts. There were a number of Cadbury's chocolate gift packs, stuffed toys, dolls and other items. I put away the chocolates telling them that they could have them over the next couple of weeks. My six year old granddaughter then surprised me with her words  -

“Amma” she said, “I want to give away the chocolates to children who do not get to eat them. We keep getting chocolates all the time and do not need more of them”.

Enjoying a game at Bridge School

I felt proud of my little girl and took the two of them to a bridge school run by Anjalidi and they not only shared chocolates and snacks with the 35 girls in the school but spent the whole evening playing with them. On their return to America Megha continued to remember them and once asked me to distribute cold drinks and snacks to her Bridge School friends on her behalf. I gladly obliged. My co sister Geeta heard about the bridge school and gave them a trunk load of utensils and household items that belonged to her mother to be used by them.

Yummy snacks??

   

A similar sentiment is expressed in the “Share the Language of Love” campaign jointly hosted by Johnson’s Baby in collaboration with Goonj – an NGO that echoes similar sentiments. The objective of the campaign is to motivate parents to donate their children’s utilized articles with children from underprivileged families so that they too may experience the joys of childhood. This in turn would help children to appreciate the privileges that they enjoy and also realize that children that are not as privileged as them also deserve to enjoy the experience of owning items that that their parents cannot get for them.

The idea of sharing and caring not only does wonders to the donor as well as the receiver – I say it from experience – but also sends positive vibes to society in general. The organizers of the campaign have collection centers where the items may be deposited. Those who are interested may just give a missed call to 1800 267 6767/1800 267 2222 and they will be guided to the nearest collection center where they can give away stuff that were purchased with great care for their own children who have now grown up and/or have no use for them. If a small gesture like this can bring a smile on a child’s face why not we join hands and support the campaign.

I am no very much into blogging these days with a research project demanding my time and attention. But the idea behind the campaign was appealing and I could not help remembering that Megha echoed the very same sentiments four years back! I hope she remains so always.

     

Happy Mother's Day

This mother’s day I wish to pay my heartfelt tribute to all those women including my mother who have shaped my life.  I have already written about my mother in earlier posts but whatever I write seems inadequate. She has had a very strong and positive role in my life and I have no hesitation in tracing every little success that came my way and each one leads me to her. From the time she taught me to read and write till occasions that left me depressed her presence alone instilled a confidence that was difficult to explain. Never verbose or vocal, she led by example and one could never compromise on morals and ethics – neither when she was alive nor after her death. She taught me to accept the ups and downs in my life with equanimity and under her guiding influence I learnt valuable lessons – the most important one being that good and bad times are a part of life and neither last forever.

My mother’s sisters also mothered me in their own way. Following my father’s death they would invite us children for vacations and treat us to movies and exhibitions the way my dad would have. Her older sister had no children of her own but how can I forget the kindness and concern she showed when she came to assist me when my son was born. I was in hospital following my delivery and in a foul mood because my husband was taking a long time to come. He was to come straight from his office so I did not expect my aunt to turn up. But she did. She did not know the route and could manage just a few words of Hindi. A flask of coffee in one hand and idlis in the other she took the town bus, got down at the blood bank as per my father in law’s direction, followed the crowd that was proceeding to the hospital, asked for the maternity ward and was by my bed even before my husband. All because she knew that I would be hungry and that she did not want me to eat the hotel food that my husband may get since he was coming straight from his workplace.

Kamakshi mami, my maternal aunt by marriage about whom I have written in this post was also a second mother to me. She taught me the virtue of being selfless again leading by example. Her own children were around the same age as my brothers. I cannot recall a single incident where she subjected us to indifference or showed any preferential treatment for her own children. It was her influence that helped me overcome minor irritants and hiccups as a young bride in Jamshedpur.

My mother in law also made me feel at home in my acquired family and would tell me so much about her people that I learnt to love them even before I had met them. She also did not differentiate between daughter and daughter in law and thanks to her, today I can proudly claim that I equally love both my sister and sister in law.

   

Finally, my mother in law’s friend Thailam mami, who was a pillar of strength when my mother in law was sick and I was at a loss not knowing how to deal with her mood swings and hunger pangs. I could walk into her house at six in the morning and return with a bowl of rasam or sambhar for my mother in law who was normally a picky eater but screamed for food like a six month old on account of her diabetic condition. Thailam mami not only assured me that I could feel free to approach her anytime and would come over during her free time and reassure my mother in law that she would be well very soon. But for her support and guidance l could not have coped with my responsibilities well enough.           

       

  Motherhood is not about raising children it is more about teaching them valuable lessons of sharing and caring. This is done, not by preaching from a pedestal but by showering love and affection on those around us.

A very happy mother’s day to all mothers!   

Being taken for a ride???

I have been out of sorts lately. I don't seem to be my usual self. Reason? I have suddenly realised that however generous one would like to be, pressure tactics employed by people are annoying. I don't know if I am right or wrong. But recent experiences have made me lose faith in those around me. Am I being used? I ask myself. I think I am. When this thought crosses my mind I do not feel like being considerate or kind to those in need. What then am I supposed to do? I tried being mean but ended up hurting myself more than the person I wished to hurt. It just does not work in my case. Let me explain.

I was always sympathetic towards my servants and my ex-maid Rajamma was no exception. She rang me up saying that her granddaughter was getting married and I gave her Rupees 10,000/- and asked her to get something for the granddaughter and keep the rest for her personal expenses. I normally give her some 500/- to 1000/- rupees when she goes out of town. She left for the south to attend the marriage. As luck would have it, she  fractured her hip bone and had to spend around 80,000/- for an operation and expected me to help. I had my own needs to take care of. My house had to be repaired, my grandchildren were visiting me and I had to go without pay for two of the four months that I had spent in America since I was short of paid leave. My own brother in law was in hospital in Chennai and needed financial help for a major operation. I  politely refused. 

That started it. Unknown people claiming to be her son in law, nephew and what not started calling me explaining her predicament and my reply remained the same. 'Sorry'. She then sent a woman known to her, along with a granddaughter living in Jamshedpur asking for money. Teary eyed, the granddaughter pleaded that I give at least 20,000/- rupees as loan and she would ask her father to repay it. By now, my husband had become adamant saying that we were not moneylenders and if we had been in a position to help we would have done it after the first phone call. 'No' meant 'NO'. The girl left, disappointed. 

That very night Rajamma called me asking me to ask one or the other of my friends to lend her money saying that her daughter had spent the money set aside for her daughter's marriage for her treatment and  with the marriage scheduled in December there was little time to arrange for money at short notice.

I was in a dilemma. There was truth in what she was saying but with a daughter in law working in a Nationalised bank why could she not arrange for loan? I began to wonder if I was doing the wrong thing by refusing to help. I also realised that if I gave in there would be future occasions when I would be thus pressurised. I did give in and hand over 15,000/- rupees to her son who was attending the wedding and informed Rajamma about it but I haven't yet heard from Rajamma as to whether he gave it or not although 2 weeks have gone by. There were umpteen phone calls made before I gave the money not one after receiving it. 

A day after I gave the money I told my husband about it and he had predicted that I would hear no more from her and how right he was! Tell me now if I am wrong in feeling upset and annoyed. This is just one incident. There are more. But I leave them for a later post.  

Of this and that

My vacation is almost over and in less than a fortnight I'll be back in India. It has been a pleasant stay - interacting with grandchildren, getting to know them better and generally relaxing. The only sore area was the fact that we were dependent on others to be taken around. Except for a fortnight spent before my second daughter shifted to her own house, we had no shopping areas near the places we stayed and were pretty much on house arrest during the week and if it weren't for two sets of grandchildren who were having their summer vacations we would have had nothing to do. 

We got to spend around three weeks with my son after a gap of more than 10 years. His visits to India just for two weeks including travel time and on his last visit he had spent just four days at home since he had to finalize the purchase of an apartment in Bangalore. On earlier visits to the US he was either studying or we had a lot of baby sitting to do so we visited him during a weekend and rushed back. It was a pleasure to relive the time when he was in India and also to see that he had not changed in the years gone by. I have given an account of an imaginary conversation with him in this post. This should explain why I miss the lively conversations and light - hearted banter that I used to enjoy with my children before they flew the nest.

Returning to my niche is something I look forward to. But I am also going to sorely miss my children and grandchildren. I sometimes wish we could return to the time when they were small, school goers and I did not have to worry about my blood pressure and arthritis. I remember my mother saying something to this effect during one of her visits to Jamshedpur. I had not understood her words then. I do now. And this makes me long for the days when I was my mother's daughter. She was a person I could turn to in my moments of distress and trust on her to give an unbiased advice and assure me that all would be well.

 'Bad times don't last forever' was her famous refrain. 

Unfortunately good times too do not last forever. So perhaps the best thing to do would be to enjoy the moment without worrying about the past and future.

Returning to a house that had been locked for more than 4 months and setting it in order is bad enough. I have to deal with some repair work too. The day we were leaving, around 4:30 in the morning, a part of the bathroom terrace (about 2 meters in diameter) fell off - plaster, concrete, cement - and we had no time to attend to it. In the process it had crashed into the washbasin and shattered it. We are lucky that it did not crash on our heads. I keep wondering if there has been further damage and now that we have to return I keep worrying about how it may be fixed. I hear that it has been raining heavily in Jamshedpur  which means that the seepage in the wall might have increased and repair work may not be immediately possible. 

So as you see though I know that I need to enjoy the moment I cannot help worrying about these little and not so little problems. Selfish I may sound but I cannot help wanting to return to my childhood when I had the older generation to take care of such things.

Be it as it may, let me enjoy the remaining week of my stay in America and enjoy Deepavali with my children and grandchildren which is again a pleasure that I hope to get after 13 years.

A happy Deepavali to all of you.

@ Dipali: Sorry for stealing your blog name.

Remembering the golden past.............

Navarathri has gone by and cut off from everything Indian and holed up in Pittsburgh, USA, I feel inclined to recall the Navarathi celebrations in the past.

Navarathri and Golu! My childhood memories combine the two as being inseparable. It seems we had a distant aunt (actually my mother's aunt) living next door who would not drink a drop of water before feeding a ' kanya ' during the nine days of Navarathri and at the age of three I had standing instructions to make myself available at their place to have an early lunch. The story goes that I would be ready to go to their place from the moment I got up and my mother had a tough time convincing me that I was not expected to turn up at dawn. This is just hearsay but since it was oft repeated by my no nonsensical mother it must be true.

There is another account given by my maternal aunt that my older brother would refuse to escort me to people's houses for 'golu' partly because only girls were invited and also because I would ask for 'sundal' the moment I entered a house without waiting for the lady of he house to give it to me. I was apparently eager to visit the next house.

Then I have memories of my younger brothers and male cousins setting out on their own for 'golu' in defiance of the rule that only girls were supposed to go visiting during navarathri. They too came back with a bag full of sundal and bananas and felt included. Those were carefree childhood days and I truly miss them now.

My dad had a transferable job and my mother would limit her navarathri celebration to the preparation of mouth watering 'vadai and payasam' on the 9 days and distributing haldi/kumkum and sundal  to ladies in our neighborhood on the 9th day. I remember loving the last day of navrathri because we would dutifully arrange our books in front of the deities in the puja room and offer prayers to Goddess Saraswathi, the goddess of learning. This was a day when we were forbidden to study. New clothes would be reverentially placed on a silver plate and would be given to us to wear on the following day. My mother would not even let us try them out for fitting and possible alteration and consequently our eagerness to wear new clothes would be such that we could not wait for the final day ie. Vijayadasami to dawn when we would wear them after a bath and dutifully write a full  page of Sri Rama Jayam before being allowed to read books. We were however invited to households that organized a golu. 

Post marriage ours was a household in which the tradition of the south was carefully followed and my mother in law had a trunk full of dolls and statuettes carefully wrapped in old newspapers. These would be dusted on Mahalaya day and arranged on shelves in the drawing room. Since it was a one bedroom, hall and kitchen unit that we lived in, we could not arrange them on steps but to her credit I must admit that my mother in law did a good job of it. We invited ladies from our neighborhood for haldi/kumkum and the atmosphere was one of socializing. This tradition continued for fifteen years and my daughters too enjoyed navarathri the way I did. 

It was then that things changed. I registered for Ph.D and the crop I took up as my research tool was seasonal and the Durga Puja / Navarathri vacations were used up for my research and 'golu' took a back seat. When my research work was done (after seven long years), daughters had left for college and the world around me had changed. Old friends had left, we had moved to our own apartment and we replaced golu at home with a visit to Durga puja pandals in our neighborhood and to houses of  neighbors who had bhajan sessions during Navarathri. I haven't given away my golu dolls but do not have the heart to start the tradition because it does not feel the same with daughters and grand daughters staying far away in a foreign country. Somehow, I prefer to donate the money for a social cause.   

My grand daughter Megha expressed her disappointment over the fact that her mommy did not have a 'golu' in their house and I thought of the time when I had looked forward to it. When I was growing up Navarathri was a time for ladies to socialize and give expression to their creativity by coming up with beautiful rangolis and decorations. Perhaps Megha too wants it for similar reasons. 

While I was brooding over the lack of festivities in America, my son suggested that we go to a temple in his area. The visit to the temple cheered my heart and I felt that I was in India again. Coincidentally it was the 9th day of Navarathri and also a Sunday. I got to see ladies in Kancheepuram silks and girls in paavadai and it did wonders to my spirits.

 I must add that there are places in America where they celebrate our festivals with a lot of fanfare and it is only by chance that I opted to spend this lap of my stay with my son. If after a gap of ten years I get to spend three continuous weeks with him, I feel that it is as good as having celebrated Navarathri!

             

On Societal Dynamics............

This is a post about my changed perspective about life in America. From ever since I could think for myself I had been under the impression that we Indians value the wisdom of our elders and are pretty much family oriented.

I thought that in the West - particularly the US - children branch off (read break off) from their parents and families early in life and neither parents nor children intrude into each  others domain. Children take responsibility for the choices they make, struggle through college, are burdened with loans and mortgages even before they start earning and as a result they do not feel inclined to be part of their parent's lives in their twilight years.

On the contrary in India and other Asian countries (in Italy also according to a book I read) parents worry themselves sick about the well being of their adult children who may well be employed and married. Children never really branch off and are very much part of their parent's lives till they die. As a result life for the elderly is less lonely in India.

A book that I am now reading - Another Country by Dr. Mary Pipher - has changed my perception. So has my interaction with my son's friend Curtis.

Curtis came over for lunch last Friday. My son had warned me to be prepared for his heavily accented American English and his preference for the Republicans. I expected to meet a formal, tight lipped American and wondered what his reaction would be to our Indian set up. Curtis was no fan of vegetarian food, I was told. But since I am a vegetarian he would have to bear with me, I thought.

When Curtis arrived he did not appear to have grown horns and seemed very much like my own son. He shook hands with me and sat on the cushion beside a low center table that double up for a dining table. When food (roti, dal, vegetable pulao, cauliflower sabzi and cucumber raita) was served he politely asked my son how the items on the plate had to be mixed and matched. Initially he tried combining dal and roti, pulao and raita but later placed the pulao and veggies on the roti, rolled it up and made it into some kind of Mexican burrito and consumed it with practiced ease. My husband who does not like eating with a spoon and ate his food using his hand felt relieved. The atmosphere was informal and relaxed.

We spoke on a variety of subjects including the family life of an average American and his interactions with his parents and children. He spoke of the emphasis given by his parents to his education and how they were careful about the facilities they gave him while he was at college. He spoke of having saved his pocket money to buy his first mobile phone while in college and rued the fact that school going children these days preferred to be picked up and dropped at school and parents being scared of denying them expensive electronic gadgets like i Pad and smart phones.  He felt that parents gave in to their demands because they had themselves been denied a lot when they were growing up. This in turn was making a whole generation irresponsible and demanding. 

 His parents lived close by and though he had an establishment of his own he dined with them at least four times a week. He fondly called his dad a smart man who drew a pension from two sources and joked about the tricks employed by his mother to make him eat mushrooms and the way he amost always outsmarted her. By the time he left he became comfortable enough to give me an affectionate hug and embrace my husband the way my son would have. I was left wondering if there was any difference between the Indian and American cultures if Curtis had an upbringing similar to that of my son and if the way children are being pampered by indulgent parents in the Indian sub-continent is the same as in USA?  

Mary Pipher's book talks of the problems that affect the elders in America. She quotes umpteen examples of children caring for their parents in the best possible manner and of the unfortunate shift from a communal culture to an individualistic set up. I have not finished the book but from the examples quoted I see that it is not as if the older generation is abandoned by their children. Job opportunities and better transportation and communication facilities have sent them to far away places and increased the Geographical distance between parents and children. Children alternate between their responsibility towards their job and children and a sense of guilt and helplessness for being unable to do their best for their parents. At times, parents too do not wish to be intrusive and prefer to suffer in silence. I was surprised that the older generation in India too face a similar predicament as mentioned in this post with more and more children opting to take up careers in foreign countries.

I think we like to paint our culture as being the best but it is not  superior or different to any other. We also face predicaments and dilemmas like any other race. We too have children who are caring and others who are self centered. Similarly,  we too have parents who have sacrificed their life for their families and others who have squandered money and brought their families to the streets.  The equation in families have also changed because a man is no longer the sole provider nor is his wife solely a home maker. When such shifts take place in societies is it not natural that the family structure also get altered?

Mary Pipher predicts a return of a community based set up in the near future. The importance of having grandparents to monitor the welfare of grandchildren is already being felt and there is a gradual realization that no amount of money spent on child care can substitute it. A few of my cousins talk of forming colonies where like minded people can live in an apartment complex so that they can be there for each other and their children can lead their lives in peace. 

So let us not lose hope. Human beings are the same world over and one need not fret that times have changed. Changes in society, like fashion, is cyclic not linear.

   

Every one has a reason to pray

'Cycle Pure Agarbathies' and the Lakshmi Puja Pack along with Ripple Links have announced a contest about why Every one has a reason to pray and I have been tempted to write about it. Details of the contest can be got here. The past three months have been hectic and blogging has taken a back seat. However the topic is interesting and has set me thinking. Why does one pray? When did I start praying in the real sense? How does praying to an Almighty God influence me? Let me think..........

As a child I would watch my mother observe strict rules of a kind of self imposed quarantine even while going about her chores and would not even drink water till she finished reciting her slokas and offered food to God. However, to be fair to her, she did not impose a regular prayer schedule or routine on us children and we were pretty much allowed to decide for ourselves about our mode of addressing God. 

My earliest memories of praying dates back to the time when I heard the story of a shepherd boy who had no friends and Lord Krishna would come and play with him. I sincerely hoped that if I prayed hard enough He would perhaps appear before me.I could then boast and brag about it in school. I was just around five years old then.  As a child I would pray for anything starting from a prayer that I may not be punished for not doing my homework to not getting caught for sneaking snacks to our dormitory to feast at night.

When my dad was terminally ill, I remember praying that I may be allowed to die in his place since the family needed his presence more than mine. I had learned in my History class that the Moghul Emperor Babur had thus  prayed for his son Humayun's health and God answered his prayers. Humayun recovered and Babur died in his stead. Deep in my heart I believed that God would grant one's sincere wishes if the motive was selfless.

It took me a while to understand that all prayers are not granted whatever be the motive. Prayers are meant to lift one's spirit and give moral and mental strength in adverse situations. Meditating on cosmic energy one derives peace of mind through prayer. Nature worshipers are criticized for praying to God's creations like rivers and trees rather than to God - the creator. But I, for one, feel that our natural wealth has been conserved to a great extent due to the reverence man has shown towards nature. 

As far as I understand prayer does not necessarily have religious affiliations. Sending and connecting to positive vibes, combined with a heartfelt desire for universal brotherhood can also be interpreted as prayer.While there are those, like my mother, who prayed on a daily basis and on a regular routine there are others who pray when things spin out of control and feel the need for divine intervention. Then we have a few who use their prayers as bargaining tools saying that they need this or that benefit and offer to do something for the temple/church or society in return if and when their purpose is realized. Some pray out of fear of an almighty God while others pray for self realization.

But all said and done there can be no doubt regarding the fact that a sincere and heartfelt prayer does wonders to one's mental and emotional health.As for me, it does give me inner strength and a firm belief that there is some powerful cosmic energy that helps me sail through adverse conditions and watches over me at all times.

These are reasons as to why I pray and how I plan to use  'Cycle Pure Agarbathies' and Lashmi Puja pack this festive season...........

Well, I pray because I feel inclined to pray and also because it helps me accept the good and evil aspects of life with equanimity.  

With all my children in distant shores I pray for their well being as well as that of their families. More so because I may not be able to reach them at moment's notice.

I pray that my husband and me remain healthy enough to allow my children lead their lives in peace. I also pray for similar blessings to my siblings, cousins in laws and friends who belong to my generation.

I pray that I may be able to do my bit for those in need in my own little way.

I pray that I may always remain true to myself and those around me.

Finally I pray that my country's leadership is such that will bring out the best in its people.

Imagining things..............And why not?

I happened to read a comment left by a reader on a post in Women's web and decided to analyze what  my reaction would have been if we had been allowed to have an honest discussion before marriage. If I had been as honest as in this post my marriage would not have taken place at all. It might have been something like this. I call myself PV and my husband KNR. I have written about my life before marriage here . This should give you an idea about the kind of person I was.

KNR: Do you know to speak Hindi?

PV: (To herself) How unromantic. How does it matter?Is he looking for an excuse to reject me?      (Aloud) I can understand. I am out of touch now. But why do you ask?

KNR: Just like that.

PV: I will pick up soon.

KNR: Good. Do you want to know anything about me or my family?

PV: Do you have a library near your house? I would want to become a member. By the way do you read books? Have you read Nevil Shute? He is awesome.

KNR: I must ask my mother. She is the decision maker in my family.

(To himself) Is the library my family? And why doesn't she marry Nevil Shute? Awesome... my foot.

PV: (to herself) No library means no marriage. How can I not read books?

(Aloud) I need to keep myself occupied. Moreover I cannot get sleep unless I read a few pages each night. I am sure your mother will understand. By the way, do you get The Hindu in your place? I don't like any other newspaper. I regularly read Art Buchwald. He is so funny.

KNR: You will have a lot of house work to do. That should keep you occupied. We get The Hindu two days late so we buy The Statesman that is published in Calcutta.

PV: (To herself) Don't they have servants? I would not mind reading The Hindu that is two days late. (Aloud) I need to do something in my free time. Maybe I could teach slum kids to read and write.

KNR:  (To himself) Good God! There is no way amma would let her do it.  Having slum kids in the house is ridiculous. And she is not going to let her go out on her own in the initial months. Neighbors may start gossiping.

(Aloud) My mother makes awesome sweets and savories. You could pick up recipes from her.

PV:  (To herself) Am I marrying his mother? Why does he bring her in all the time? And I have no    interest in trying out recipes.

(Aloud) You seem to be very fond of your mother.

KNR: Everyone in our family goes by her decision. She knows what is best for us. 

PV: (To herself) What a pest of a woman. (Aloud) You work in a lab don't you?

KNR: (To himself) At last she asks something about me. All this while she was worried about membership in the local library. Doesn't she want to know about life in our town?

(Aloud)Yes, we do steel melting. (Explains the process in detail and half of it does not even register in PV's mind).

PV: You have relatives in the south. Do you visit often?
(To herself) If this is so I too can come home every year.

KNR: My parents come when there is a wedding or death in the family. My younger sister stays back   to cook for me and my brother.

PV: (Horrified) What? She is only twenty years old and is in college I hear.
 And she is left behind tocook for her brothers? I find this ridiculous.

KNR: What is so ridiculous about it?She has been learning to cook from the age of thirteen. She can cook for fifty people.

PV: Fifty people? I cannot cook for five?

KNR: What? You haven't learned to cook? How come your mother let you off so easily? My mother was very particular about teaching my sister housekeeping.

PV: My mother says that cooking is something a woman does all her life. She needs to relax and learn things at her own pace. I cook only if and when I feel like it. I read, write letters to friends, watch movies in the theater, play board games like chess with my brothers.For me cooking is not a priority. In our family daughters in law are gradually initiated into the household.

KNR: It is the exact opposite in our family. Daughters in laws take charge as soon as they arrive.

PV: (To herself)  Good Lord what am I getting myself into? Must talk to mummy. We're nothing alike!.

 

 KNR: (To himself) What kind of person is she? Wants to play board games and read the newspaper but has no inclination to run the house. I must talk to amma.We seem to be exact opposites!

I agree that my marriage took place forty years ago and times were different. But it is equally amazing how two entirely different persons bonded over time. Even if I had actually had this imaginary conversation my mother would have rubbished my fears and would have known that with time I would learn that marriage was not a fairy tale and expectations rarely tally with reality

Techno-savvy children and bewildered parents.

A father of  seven year old twin boys remarked that kids were over stimulated thanks to technology and class room teaching no longer appealed to them. With access to video games and supermen they needed to be engaged all the while which in turn was affecting parents at home and teachers in school with neither group equipped to keep pace with their demands. Gone are the days when kids could be left to play on their own while parents relaxed. The kids had to be constantly engaged. As a result they go to soccer camps, music class, learn yoga and karate. True, over stimulated minds are difficult to handle. This is certainly a topic for balanced debate.

The conversation then shifted to the plight of senior school teachers who had to make interesting power point presentations and throw in cartoon characters even to teach subjects like Chemistry and Mathematics. I could understand children in their preteens getting easily distracted but do senior school children need stimulants to understand the basics of a subject? I remembered an essay that we had to write in our 11th standard - "Is Technology a Boon or Bane to Society"? So even before Television had entered our homes and mobile telephones were unheard of, our elders had been worried of the changes taking place in our lives due to technological advancement. I was myself of the opinion that mobile phones were a luxury and school going children were better off without them. Or that two wheelers that were motorized were not meant for children in high school and they would benefit more if they cycled to school. My mother had advised me against sending more than the required amount for my daughter's hostel expense when she joined college saying that she would waste it. I would send her a draft each month. But five years later I got my son an ATM card partly because I wanted to be spared the trouble of making a draft and sending it by registered post.It was also because I had realized that he may face unforeseen situations and require money at short notice.   Internet banking skills were acquired much later and I now seem to have forgotten the days when one actually stood in a queue to purchase railway tickets.  

I see myself reaping the benefits of advanced technology and have to admit that life has become a lot easier on account of it. Why then am I worried that over exposure to technology may harm my children and grandchildren? Even while I write this post my 9 year old granddaughter is baking a cake all on her own. Her dad has gifted her a mini oven with a timer. Her mom has bought her cake mixes with proper directions. With a little help from me (to measure vegetable oil and to remove the finished cake from the oven) the child has managed to bake a cake and now she has started on the preparation of cookies. Mini ovens and cake mixes were not available when my children were growing up but that is beside the point. Technology, when put to proper use, is never harmful. Educating children on the proper use of the tools available to them and encouraging them to understand that life is not just speeding up but also slowing down to savor the beauty of nature and to give a thought to the less privileged ones among them would perhaps balance the hyperactivity that they are constantly subjected to. For this attitude to develop socially productive activities ought to be encouraged. For instance why don't we have parents teaching their wards to manage a kitchen garden? Why not train them to fold clothes and arrange their closet or vacuum their rooms? Isn't it true at least to some extent that parents too want to relax and prefer to latch their kids on to a video game or a TV program even if it only to keep them off their backs? Are we not proud that a child in our family not yet two years of age is able to plug an earphone to his ear, hit the right button and listen to music from an i Pad? I know that I feel puffed up when my grand kids do it.  

I am sorry to say that the onus is on parents and grandparents. The child can and should be given direction and elders ought to strike a balance regarding the activity their wards indulge in. Not easy I admit,but no harm trying.

Morality In Marriage

I happened to read an old post of mine about my views on marriage. One of the readers had raised a question regarding the role morality ought to play in a marriage. If the husband was otherwise a responsible person and provided well for his family did it matter if his morality was questionable? 

This question does not have an easy answer. In fact it does not have an answer at all. Let me explain. Till about a hundred years back it was common for men folk to visit prostitutes and was considered a status symbol and indicative of affluence. Their womenfolk could not object. I am sure they were not happy about the arrangement but could do little to prevent it even if they wanted to. With time such visits became hushed shameful affairs and women began to have a say in the matter. Fear or rather awareness of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases have acted as deterrents. I happened to be part of a team that conducted a survey on AIDS awareness long back and we had a session with sex workers as part of our training. They all had a single message for society. "We don't go to men. They come to us. If wives could check their husband's desire for sex outside marriage we would automatically be out of work".

It is easy for me to say that morality is a very important factor in a partnership including marriage. But don't women or for that reason men to a lesser extent have umpteen reasons to look the other way if their partner is not loyal to them? Does not the security provided by marriage  matter? Or if children could get affected in the crossfire between parents would it perhaps be better to ignore the husband's philandering habit? I tend to talk as if morality in a marriage is the responsibility of the husband alone. It is the responsibility of both partners although the clandestine affairs women have outside marriage are not reported often.

The reason for my choice of this topic stems partly from what I heard about a neighbor whose husband wants a divorce. I have known the woman from the time her son was a two year old. He is twenty two now. The husband and son are apparently fond of a mother/daughter duo also residing in our complex. Initially I rubbished the story saying that the son could be interested in the daughter and the mother being a family friend could have expected the boy's family to approve of the match. Differences might have cropped up when the boy's mother objected. But I hear that the husband squanders hard earned money including his settlement dues on the neighbor and her husband is a silent spectator. He does not have a problem as long as the money keeps coming. I really don't know what to make out of the story. If both husband and son have turned against her, the lady ought to opt for separation. But with no income of her own can she afford to do it? Wouldn't she throw morality to the winds and wish to remain married. Those living in their block are fed up with the constant fighting and had to call the cops to settle their dispute when things got out of control.

A relative of mine some ten years younger to me is a lawyer by profession and has a soft corner for the assistant who works in his Office. His mother advised the daughter in law to keep quiet saying that if she objected he may be more open to making his affair known to the world. It was in her own interest that she chose to pretend that she did not know about it. With children to educate she could not afford to confront her husband lest he stopped supporting them. Selfish it may sound but the practical aspects cannot be ignored.

Every arrangement, including marriage, that is endorsed by society has evolved over several years. Morality is a matter of individual perception. The middle class sets high standards for morality be it loyalty in marriage or earning money by fair means. A look at those in governance and administration tells a different story. One scam is hardly dealt with and a new one comes up. In the slum where my domestic help lives they have no time to even define morality. Affairs outside marriage are ignored unless it involves fist fights between the couple in question. So I suppose morality matters to people who can challenge it. But if a person chooses to ignore it let us give them the benefit of doubt.

Happy Mother's Day!!

I have a question that deserves an honest reply. Widowed mothers are deprived of active participation in their son/daughter's weddings as per Hindu customs. They say that their participation is inauspicious. Does their widowed status make them less or inferior mothers? Who else could be more of a well wisher for her children? Why not all of us including mothers resolve to do away with this misconception and do our bit to ensure their participation in family functions particularly if it involves their children. 

As for children they ought to take a lead if they wish to pay a tribute to mothers and motherhood. 

Happy Mother's Day to all mommy bloggers.

Celebrating Girls, Celebrating Women

Thank you Women's Web for honouring me with a first prize!!!

I feel like a school girl now!wow and WOW again.

Women's web is holding a contest on Celebrating Girls, Celebrating Women. Details can be got here. 

The following is my entry for the contest. The offer of Flipkart vouchers for the winners was too good to resist. Moreover I have become too lazy to write. This assignment is a welcome one. So what if I am competing with a generation half my age! 

Looking back I feel that I had it lucky. I was born when my parents were traveling from Bangalore to Madras and my mother had to disembark at Jolarpet and check into the railway hospital to deliver me. My dramatic entry into the world made my father grant me the status of a heroine and he would never tire of repeating the story of my birth to anyone who was within hearing distance. I was his little princess. When I was a month old I had convulsions and as the story goes, my father, though a doctor himself, could not decide on the medicine and its dosage that could be safely administered to an infant. My paternal grandmother prayed that she would name me Padmavathy after the deity in Tirupathi if I recovered and soon afterwards my dad miraculously found a cure to my illness while looking up a medical journal. My grandma performed a “Sumangali Prarthana” when I recovered and my naming ceremony soon followed. I grew up without realizing that girls were considered unwanted in several families. We faced no such discrimination in ours.

As a child I was encouraged to speak out and stand up for whatever I considered was right. On one occasion the Principal of our boarding school punished me for something I had not done. She refused to listen to any explanation threatening to write to my father about the incidence. I wanted my father to hear my version being pretty sure that he would understand. I wrote a detailed letter mentioning the Principal’s refusal to allow me a chance to defend myself and gave it to my teacher to post. Since our letters were censored the Principal got to read the letter. She called me to her office and asked for my side of the story. When convinced she asked me if I wanted the matter dropped or if I would want her to post the letter. I replied that I would want my father to know about the incidence and if he felt that I was wrong I would gladly accept his verdict. She posted it just to see what my father’s reaction would be. However, she did add a note from her side saying that the matter had been resolved and that she wanted me to stay away from bad company and do well in life. If she had expected my father to scold me or advice me on good behavior she must have been disappointed. My father expressed absolute faith in me and added that he was sorely disappointed at the judgmental attitude adopted by the school. The Principal was highly appreciative of my parents’ trust in  me and even more surprised at the level of confidence I showed by depicting the episode truthfully and posting the letter through her.

“This is the kind of rapport I would want every child to have with their mentors” she added after narrating the incidence in the assembly. The entire school clapped for me. I was just thirteen years old then.

Years have gone by and today I teach undergrad students in a local college. I am afraid that even today girls face discrimination in their families and are considered a burden by their own parents. Just two days ago a young girl doing her B. Com in our college approached me saying that her friend was being subjected to mental torture and was contemplating suicide. The girl had been abandoned by her husband within two months of her marriage. That her husband was unemployed or that she was sexually harassed by her father in law who accused her of being a woman of loose morals when she refused to yield to his advances did not bother her much. She was more upset that her mother wanted her to return to her in laws and ‘adjust’. Her  mother was  worried about the future of the other unmarried daughters who would not get good husbands if she continued to stay with them after marriage. More so since her in laws were spreading rumors about her character and chastity. I could understand her mother’s point of view even if I did not agree with her. I asked the girl to remain firm and continue to concentrate on her studies. Suicide was no solution. She could earn some pocket money by teaching school children and/or taking up part time assignments. I told her that there was no need to return to her husband unless he found a job to support her and promised to stand up for her against his father. She had heard from reliable sources that her husband was planning to remarry.

“Good riddance” I said. “It should be sufficient reason to put him behind the bars”.

I offered to talk to her mother if required. When she left I could make out that she had gained some amount of self assurance. I asked her friend to keep a watch over her and continue to instill confidence in her.

Although the status of women needs to improve I am glad that girls are reporting incidents of physical and mental torture. Instead of churning out spicy stories about their friends in distress, the youngsters are offering support them in whatever way they can. This in itself is cause for celebration. However, womanhood cannot be celebrated unless they realize their own worth and merit. A colleague of mine spoke of the lavish wedding she had planned for her daughter who was  a final year engineering student. She had set aside 25 lac for dowry and gifts for the groom. She would need another 10 lac for the wedding expenses and five more for jewelry and silverware. She claimed that this was the minimum that a well employed groom would expect adding that if she tried to bargain there were others ready to quote a higher price for the same boy.

I blame the girl and her parents more than the groom's family for the situation. I would certainly not want to marry a man who could decide on his life partner based on the price quoted by the highest bidder. The girl’s family wish to flaunt their purchasing power by making such offers and the groom’s family behave as if their son is up for sale (read auction). Bride burning and torturing daughters in law are consequences of the greed that is being fanned and nurtured by society in the name of dowry. Girls too have no qualms about letting their parents part with their life savings for their marriage and allowing them to depend on their sons for their upkeep.

I cannot help narrating a conversation I had with my co - sister 25 years back, She wanted to know if I had bought diamond ear rings for my daughters and advised me to buy the earrings fast since prices of gold and diamonds were touching the sky. I replied that I had no intention of investing in diamonds and their education was my priority. My co - sister insisted that no decent guy would marry them for free. I retaliated by saying that my husband's cousins (8 of them) had all married well placed men none of whom made atrocious demands. I too would be able to marry my daughters without the above mentioned piece of jewelry. If she quoted one example of a person who made dowry demands I could give five examples of those who did not. I can proudly claim that I was right and the question of dowry never came up at the time of their marriages.

Let the successful ones among us celebrate women and womanhood by all means. However, in our moments of celebration let us also remember that there are several women who need our emotional support to stand up for themselves.

This piece is my entry for -  http://www.womensweb.in/articles/celebrating-girls-celebrating-women/

Goodness of Coconut For The Skin

Being a south Indian and a Tambrahm at that, coconuts were always a part of my existence. My earliest memories of this wonder ‘nut’ is the time when an aunt or grandma would sit down with a bottle of coconut oil and all of us cousins would line up to have our hair combed and neatly plaited. The ritual of applying coconut oil and plaiting the hair of 8 to 10 girls would be followed by application of coconut oil and combing the closely cropped hair of our male cousins. As a child I thought it to be old fashioned to have so much oil applied to our scalp and tried to coax my mother to have my hair trimmed and permed or curled but she would have “none of such nonsense with hair falling over the forehead” and I have to thank her for her effort and the gift of the lovely long hair that I once possessed.  

Coconut oil served to help me bond with my hostel mates when I had to join a boarding school at the age of twelve. I was a stranger in a hostel where a good number of students were Anglo Indians. Having left home I was a total misfit in the hostel. Among the toilet items that my mother had packed for me was a bottle of scented coconut oil that had frozen in the cool weather of the Nilgiris. I was trying to scoop out a little with a spoon when a voice behind me said-

“Why don’t you let it melt in the sun for a while?”

It was my good friend Irene Trencher who had given the suggestion thereby offering to make me comfortable in an alien situation. Others followed and soon at least 10 of them borrowed my scented coconut oil to apply on their hands and legs and my mother was at a loss to understand how a bottle of coconut oil could get over in a month’s time. The warden had to intervene and take the oil bottle in her custody till I felt comfortable enough to say NO to friends who took advantage of my insecurity.

When my daughter was born my mother took the trouble of extracting coconut milk from home grown coconuts and clarifying it like butter and filtering pure coconut oil to give my daughter a body massage. The smell of home made coconut oil was heavenly and my daughter’s skin acquired a natural glow on account of it. She made sure that I brought back a bottle of coconut oil thus prepared and used it exclusively for massaging the child’s body to make sure that her skin did not crack in the winter months.

Apart from external application coconuts are generously used in Tambrahm/Kerala cuisine since it has the property of curing stomach ulcers and is a rich source of fiber, vitamins and minerals. And who can deny that coconut water is the safest soft drink from God’s own factory!!

It was fun participating in this contest by Women's web. Took me back in time.